(for steponherneck) One Step Forward (Two Steps Back)
For: steponherneck
Title: One Step Forward (Two Steps Back)
Pairing: Jongin/Chanyeol
Word Count: ~3,300 words
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Jongin’s teenager-ish angst, too much fluff, and my inability to write
Prompt: post-disbandment au where jongin moves in with the other character and they finally give in to how they feel about each other
Summary: Moving in with Chanyeol is a lot more than Jongin bargained for.
Author’s Note: firstly, thank you to my lovely recipient for giving me such wonderful awesome prompts to choose from! ♥ i know this is lacking quite a bit, and it’s definitely not anywhere near where i wanted it to be, length and quality-wise, but i was very much pressed for time and energy. i tried to stick with the prompt, and i hope you think it’s at least semi-okay! a million, trillion thank yous and kisses to A for being my personal lifesaver and everything beta, as well as to p + p. also, thank you to the mod, because she put a lot of effort into this, and managed to put up with me.
Jongin moves into Chanyeol’s apartment on a Tuesday.
After the disbandment, Jongin had ended up staying with his sister, which had been great and all, but only for a while. It had gotten old after a few months, and he’d started to feel like he should have his own space instead of taking up so much room there. So he began weighing his options; he could either sift through his closest friends, see which ones needed a roommate, or crash on Kyungsoo’s couch for the time being, just until he could get his own apartment, and while Kyungsoo would be the Ideal Flatmate, he’s just not too fond of cats.
In the end, though, it was Lu Han that had made the decision for him, claiming that a friend in Seoul was looking for someone to split rent with. Jongin had been a little skeptical at first, because he didn’t know all of Lu Han’s friends, but he knew that Lu Han wouldn’t be too much of an asshole as to actually jeopardise his living situation. Admittedly, he should’ve known better than to trust Lu Han of all people, because it actually ends up being Chanyeol that needs the flatmate.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Lu Han said, taking a long drink of cola. “You haven’t spoken to each other since he left the dorm.”
“That doesn’t mean move in with him at a moment’s notice, hyung.” Jongin’s stomach twisted in knots at the thought of him and Chanyeol living in the same apartment, but the idea in general wasn’t too bad. At least, as long as he stayed out of Chanyeol’s way... He’d toyed around with the idea, albeit tentatively, even as Lu Han spoke through a mouthful of galbi.
“Regardless, it’d be good to see him again, you know. If the roommate thing doesn’t work out.”
Jongin hadn’t had the energy to argue, even if a stranger would probably benefit Jongin more than Chanyeol would, but he didn’t say that. Instead, he’d agreed, which is why he finds himself in the room across the hall from Chanyeol’s, tucking the last of his clothes away into a drawer.
“Do you need help unpacking?”
Jongin flinches, knocking over a couple of empty containers in his haste to turn around. Chanyeol stands in the doorway, unwrapping a piece of some obscure grape candy he’s always liked. He looks like he’d just gotten out of the shower, dark hair damp and a towel wrapped around his neck. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” In addition, Chanyeol isn’t wearing a shirt, and if Jongin’s cheeks are red, he isn’t willing to acknowledge it.
“‘S okay.” Jongin shrugs and blows his bangs out of his face. It’s getting too long, constantly falling into his eyes, and he reminds himself to get a haircut soon. Maybe next weekend, after he’s done working choreography with Baekhyun and Jongdae. “I’m almost done, anyway,” he says, standing to kick the fallen boxes out of the way, and figures tomorrow he’ll just store them under his bed for the time being.
“Sure,” Chanyeol says after stuffing the wrapper into his pants pocket, and then he’s twisting the ends of the towel with long, steady fingers. “Hey. After you're done, maybe we could watch a movie or something?”
“I’m sort of tired, after moving all the stuff in,” Jongin says, fumbling with the hem of his t-shirt. Underneath the material, his stomach is turning. "I think I’m actually gonna go to bed. We can catch something later, maybe.” He lowers his eyes, but doesn’t miss the way Chanyeol’s face falls as he quietly bids him goodnight.
*
On the third day, as they’re sitting on the couch watching the movie Jongin had promised, Jongin kisses Chanyeol.
It’s not on purpose, not necessarily, and it’s not so much a kiss as it is Jongin just pressing their mouths together, but Chanyeol’s lips are slightly chapped and soft, and for a split second, Jongin wants more. Then Chanyeol’s hands are dragging him closer by his hips, and Jongin’s suddenly not sure whether he wants Chanyeol to move closer, or if he wants to push him away.
He settles for pushing Chanyeol away, though, probably too roughly, but he doesn’t have it in him to care enough, because he’s not sure what this is or what he’s doing. Mumbling a quiet apology to Chanyeol, whose eyes are growing to be the size of small moons, Jongin retreats to his room, and when he finally falls asleep, way after he hears Chanyeol shut the door to his room, the kiss is still replaying in his mind.
*
As Jongin is leaving for the SM building the next morning, he notices that Chanyeol has already left with his manager to the set of his new drama. By the time Jongin gets back, he’s sleeping. It goes on like this for the remainder of the week, and despite his lingering guilt, Jongin prefers it that way; it’s a lot better than feeling like he’s walking on eggshells every time he’s around Chanyeol.
*
“So, how’s the whole living arrangement going?” Taemin is loud and staticky over the small speakers of Jongin’s earbuds. Jongin winces and resists the urge to rip them out of his ears, instead fumbling with the volume buttons.
“He uses all the hot water when he showers, and never puts the milk up after he’s done with it,” Jongin says miserably, when he’s sure Taemin won’t render him deaf. He glares at the overfilled laundry basket sitting on the floor in front of the bed, as if it’s the reason Chanyeol is Chanyeol. “I can’t even get him to put the cap back on the toothpaste. He’s not even here most of the time, and he still finds ways to get under my skin.”
Taemin snorts but doesn’t laugh, like the good best friend he’s supposed to be. Even so, Jongin can practically hear the effort it’s taking, and that in itself makes him scowl. “It’s not even that bad, Jongin.”
“You have no idea what I go through daily.” Jongin scratches his at his arm, kicks his feet up against the headboard. “Is it too late to come live with you?”
“That offer was rescinded the moment I asked you, since I know you’d be, like, the worst roommate ever.”
“You’re the worst,” Jongin says, and if Taemin were actually here, he’d attempt to suffocate him with his pillow. “You’re probably worse than Chanyeol-hyung.”
“Hm.” Taemin is quiet for a minute, and when he speaks, he sounds thoughtful. “You know, you lived with him for six years, and it wasn’t so bad then, from what you’ve told me. What’s so different about now?”
“It’s not, I just. I don’t know.” Jongin lies, and then he frowns, because that kiss is still at the forefront of his mind.
*
what do u want get for dinner?
is what Chanyeol texts Jongin that night. It surprises Jongin, since he didn’t think they were speaking. He doesn’t ever even remember giving Chanyeol his number after he’d changed it. Intuition tells him it was probably Lu Han’s doing, but he pushes back his annoyance, as there’s no reason why Chanyeol shouldn’t have it in the first place. He puffs his cheeks as he stares down at his phone, wondering if he could just pass it off as an unreceived message.
He ends up texting back anyway, sending a quick im not too hungry before he loses his nerve. After he powers off his phone, Jongin realises that he has possibly done something Very Stupid, so he decides to take a very long, much-needed nap. Maybe Chanyeol won’t wake him up. He knows he’s being illogical and, admittedly, a little ridiculous, but Chanyeol makes him feel weird, so it’s probably justified.
Later, Jongin walks into the kitchen to find a chocolate chip muffin sitting on the counter, right next to a venti Americano. A post-it note has been stuck to the rim of the still-warm cup, Chanyeol’s messy Hangul scrawled across the side.
You sleep too much~~~ I stopped and got this for you since I know you didn’t eat yesterday. It’s cold outside, so wear a jacket!
The weight of something warm settles in Jongin’s chest, alongside a terrible guilt that has him frowning and pouring the contents of the to-go cup down the drain.
*
Somewhere between late night trips to the convenience store and filming for variety shows, Jongin falls in love with Chanyeol. It’s not an earth-shattering revelation that hits him out of nowhere one morning while he’s eating breakfast, nor is it this startling moment of truth that has him freezing in the middle of dance practice.
Instead, it happens slowly; he begins noticing things that others probably wouldn’t, like how Chanyeol prefers peppermint toothpaste, or the way Chanyeol’s lips press together when he’s unsatisfied with something. Initially, it doesn’t mean much to him, because it’s not unusual for him to notice things like that.
Except he starts to wonder what Chanyeol’s lips would taste like after a while (grape, since he’s always eating these gross purple candies), how soft his hair would be between his fingers (softer than he’d have thought), and it’s then that he realises that this is something more serious. For the sake of work, of their friendship, he never completely acts on… whatever this is, because he isn’t going to lose everything that he worked so hard for, that they all worked so hard for, to something that could end in a second.
Distancing himself seems to be the answer to his problem. It’s hard, Chanyeol makes it so hard, but as time passes, it becomes easier.
*
When one in the morning rolls around, Jongin is still awake. He’s too keyed up for some reason, so he decides to attempt to imitate the honey tea his mother used to make when he couldn’t sleep. It’s silent and dark as Jongin moves through the apartment, television having been turned off after he got home. Chanyeol’s door is closed; either he hasn’t come home yet, or he’s asleep, which Jongin is grateful for as he pulls out bottles of water and honey from the fridge.
“Can’t sleep?”
Chanyeol, Jongin thinks with slight alarm, looks too pale under the flourescent light of the kitchen, seemingly having to lean against the counter to avoid falling over at any given moment. His hair is tousled, falling into bleary eyes, and he runs a hand through it before covering his mouth to hide a yawn. He adjusts the blanket he has draped around his shoulders, an ugly floral one that Baekhyun’s mom had knitted and sent after their debut, and raises an eyebrow.
“No.” Jongin finally answers, turning to pull two mugs out of the cabinet. He carefully fills them little more than halfway with water before sticking them in the microwave, too lazy to boil water on the stove. “You snore too loud for anyone to get any peace.”
Chanyeol rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning wide enough to show Jongin all of his teeth. “I don’t snore, and even if I do, it’s not that loud.” He reaches out to grab the canister of tea sitting on the counter, fishing out two bags and holding them out for Jongin to take. “You sleep like the dead, anyway. It’s not like it’ll keep you up.”
“Obviously you do, since I’m still awake.” Jongin plucks the tea from Chanyeol’s fingers. They’re callused, but not as rough as Jongin would’ve thought. “Why are you even up?”
"I heard you in here. Thought you might’ve wanted some company.”
“If wanted company, I would have asked you,” Jongin says mildly as the microwave beeps. He pulls the cups out quickly, dropping the tea bags into them before they cool. The water instantly turns a warm brown. He’ll let them sit for a minute before adding anything else. “Thanks for the gesture, though.”
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything at first, and he’s looking pensively at the floor when Jongin glances at him from the corner of his eye. “You wouldn’t have asked, though.”
Jongin pauses in stirring in the honey, teeth tugging at his bottom lip. His stomach is beginning to turn unpleasantly, and he’s sure his face is red, with the way that it’s burning. “I would have. I do all the time.”
“You wouldn’t,” Chanyeol says. “You never do. You’ve been avoiding me lately.” He doesn’t sound angry, not really, but Jongin can still hear the quiet accusation in his words and… he shouldn’t have gotten up, should have just stayed in bed and tried harder to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to talk about this right now, especially not with Chanyeol.
“I would,” Jongin replies quietly. “And I’m not avoiding you, I...”
“Don’t want to be here.” Chanyeol’s lips press together, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows. Jongin sort of wishes he could smooth it out with his thumb. “Why can’t you just admit that-”
“I’ve never once said that. How do you know I don’t want to be here?”
“Because we never talk,” Chanyeol says, blanket slipping off his shoulders. “You never seem like you want to be around me, and no matter how hard I try, you still make me feel like I’m not good enough.”
Jongin shakes his head, his fingers tightening around the spoon. “I didn’t mean for you to-”
“To what?” Chanyeol blows out a sharp breath. “I’m tired of chasing after something I’ll probably never have. Six years is a long time, Jongin.”
“And I wasn’t going to lose my job over something that didn’t...” Regret fills Jongin the moment the words are out, because even if he didn’t finish, Chanyeol’s face crumples like he knows what Jongin was about to say, and he wants to take them back because he said it wrong, that wasn’t what he meant.
“Alright,” is all Chanyeol says, though, takes a step back. Jongin wants to stop him, wants to pull him close and apologise, but the words stick too much in his throat. Instead, he watches as Chanyeol withdraws and goes back to his room, the door shutting quietly.
Guilt is what keeps Jongin awake the rest of the night, mind working too hard for him to manage to fall back to sleep, and he only heads out to the studio to meet Baekhyun and Jongdae after Chanyeol has left for his set.
*
“I don’t know what you did to Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says a few days later, after Jongdae and Jaewan have gone and it’s just him and Jongin left in the room, “but you need to fix it. He looks like shit right now.” He’s breathing heavily out of his mouth, shirt off and sweat dripping down the sides of his face, and Jongin would think he looks a bit ridiculous if he didn’t feel so terrible.
“I don’t know how to fix it, hyung,” Jongin says, pathetically. He drops his bag to the floor and sits beside it, resting his chin on his knees. “I really messed up, and he won’t even come near me, let alone listen to what I have to say.”
Baekhyun hums, thoughtful, and flops down next to Jongin. “I screwed up once, really bad, when we were trainees. He pretty much ignored me for weeks, but we were fine after that. Had to find the right time to make him listen to me, though. ” He pushes his hair out of his face, and his eyes are serious behind the thick black frame of his glasses. “Chanyeol’s not too hard to figure out, when you know what you’re trying to do.”
“But I don’t know what to do.” Jongin is tired of cryptic remarks; he just wants Chanyeol to speak to him again.
“You’re the one that fucked up,” Baekhyun says, standing and brushing off the seat of his pants with a small smile. “You have to fix it. We both know Chanyeol, and even if he’s a little stubborn, he’ll come around. Just find the right moment.”
Jongin sighs, and hopes Baekhyun is right.
*
Today is Jongin’s day off, so he’s decided to spend the free time sitting on the sofa, eating junk and watching episodes of some bad k-drama he doesn’t know the name of. Chanyeol hadn’t needed to film today, and Jongin can hear him moving throughout the rest of house as he finds ways to avoid whatever room Jongin occupies.
It’s been two weeks since Jongin’d talked to Baekhyun, and Chanyeol has showed no signs of forgiving him. Jongin doesn’t blame him, but he’s impatient, and he’s not going to wait another two weeks just to have Chanyeol say two words to him.
He waits until Chanyeol is passing through to get to his room before grabbing at his wrist, teeth taking his bottom lip between his teeth. Chanyeol stills under his grip, and Jongin considers this a good sign, even if Chanyeol’s only half-looking at him.
“Hyung.”
“What?” Chanyeol asks. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to apologise,” Jongin says a little fumblingly, and he feels his face heat up under Chanyeol’s glare. “For what I said, that one time. I didn’t mean it-”
“Except you did, right?”
“No.” Jongin clears his throat, tightens his grip around Chanyeol’s wrist. Wishes he could pull him closer still. “I didn’t. I guess I just…”
“You can’t take it back,” Chanyeol says, and he doesn’t even sound angry anymore, just sad, and it makes Jongin feel even worse because he’d rather have Chanyeol yell at him over this. “Just because you didn’t mean it, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t at least half the truth.”
“I’m… really bad at this, so just. Just listen, for once.”
“You are,” Chanyeol says under his breath. “I’m listening.”
“I never meant what I said,” Jongin starts, and winces as he hears his voice crack. Chanyeol probably doesn’t notice, but then his lips twitch, and Jongin is almost too embarrassed to continue. “I mean, I did at a point, but that was because it was easier for everyone if we just didn’t.” He lets go of Chanyeol’s wrist to pick at a loose thread in his sweater, voice low. “It was necessary at the time, and I guess it stuck. Doesn't mean I never wanted you, or whatever you thought. Because I do. Obviously.”
Jongin wants to laugh. Chanyeol looks ridiculous right now, eyes too wide with his mouth hanging open, and maybe he wants to kiss him instead. He doesn't do either, though, because he feels like he's going to be sick if Chanyeol doesn't say something.
Chanyeol chokes out something that could've been “so stupid" and he sounds a little breathless and disbelieving, and that's all it takes for Jongin to lean in and capture Chanyeol's lips between his own. It's a lot better than last time, Chanyeol's warm, smooth mouth moving against his, and it's hard for Jongin to suppress a slight grin when Chanyeol's hands settle on his hips.
"I guess I understand what you were trying to do," Chanyeol says as he pulls away slightly, "but you are so stupid."
“I am not.” Jongin tries not to pout, because he’s not the stupid one. That’s always been Chanyeol, with his loud laugh and dumb facial expressions. “Am I forgiven for my inability to speak?”
“Not yet. You still have a lot to make up for,” Chanyeol says seriously, but he still kisses Jongin again, slow and deep. He knows the others will probably make fun of them when they inevitably find out, yet he can’t bring himself to care as he kisses Chanyeol back.
He agrees, though, since he does have a lot to make up for, six years worth, but he figures there are worse things he could spend his time doing.
Title: One Step Forward (Two Steps Back)
Pairing: Jongin/Chanyeol
Word Count: ~3,300 words
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Jongin’s teenager-ish angst, too much fluff, and my inability to write
Prompt: post-disbandment au where jongin moves in with the other character and they finally give in to how they feel about each other
Summary: Moving in with Chanyeol is a lot more than Jongin bargained for.
Author’s Note: firstly, thank you to my lovely recipient for giving me such wonderful awesome prompts to choose from! ♥ i know this is lacking quite a bit, and it’s definitely not anywhere near where i wanted it to be, length and quality-wise, but i was very much pressed for time and energy. i tried to stick with the prompt, and i hope you think it’s at least semi-okay! a million, trillion thank yous and kisses to A for being my personal lifesaver and everything beta, as well as to p + p. also, thank you to the mod, because she put a lot of effort into this, and managed to put up with me.
Jongin moves into Chanyeol’s apartment on a Tuesday.
After the disbandment, Jongin had ended up staying with his sister, which had been great and all, but only for a while. It had gotten old after a few months, and he’d started to feel like he should have his own space instead of taking up so much room there. So he began weighing his options; he could either sift through his closest friends, see which ones needed a roommate, or crash on Kyungsoo’s couch for the time being, just until he could get his own apartment, and while Kyungsoo would be the Ideal Flatmate, he’s just not too fond of cats.
In the end, though, it was Lu Han that had made the decision for him, claiming that a friend in Seoul was looking for someone to split rent with. Jongin had been a little skeptical at first, because he didn’t know all of Lu Han’s friends, but he knew that Lu Han wouldn’t be too much of an asshole as to actually jeopardise his living situation. Admittedly, he should’ve known better than to trust Lu Han of all people, because it actually ends up being Chanyeol that needs the flatmate.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Lu Han said, taking a long drink of cola. “You haven’t spoken to each other since he left the dorm.”
“That doesn’t mean move in with him at a moment’s notice, hyung.” Jongin’s stomach twisted in knots at the thought of him and Chanyeol living in the same apartment, but the idea in general wasn’t too bad. At least, as long as he stayed out of Chanyeol’s way... He’d toyed around with the idea, albeit tentatively, even as Lu Han spoke through a mouthful of galbi.
“Regardless, it’d be good to see him again, you know. If the roommate thing doesn’t work out.”
Jongin hadn’t had the energy to argue, even if a stranger would probably benefit Jongin more than Chanyeol would, but he didn’t say that. Instead, he’d agreed, which is why he finds himself in the room across the hall from Chanyeol’s, tucking the last of his clothes away into a drawer.
“Do you need help unpacking?”
Jongin flinches, knocking over a couple of empty containers in his haste to turn around. Chanyeol stands in the doorway, unwrapping a piece of some obscure grape candy he’s always liked. He looks like he’d just gotten out of the shower, dark hair damp and a towel wrapped around his neck. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” In addition, Chanyeol isn’t wearing a shirt, and if Jongin’s cheeks are red, he isn’t willing to acknowledge it.
“‘S okay.” Jongin shrugs and blows his bangs out of his face. It’s getting too long, constantly falling into his eyes, and he reminds himself to get a haircut soon. Maybe next weekend, after he’s done working choreography with Baekhyun and Jongdae. “I’m almost done, anyway,” he says, standing to kick the fallen boxes out of the way, and figures tomorrow he’ll just store them under his bed for the time being.
“Sure,” Chanyeol says after stuffing the wrapper into his pants pocket, and then he’s twisting the ends of the towel with long, steady fingers. “Hey. After you're done, maybe we could watch a movie or something?”
“I’m sort of tired, after moving all the stuff in,” Jongin says, fumbling with the hem of his t-shirt. Underneath the material, his stomach is turning. "I think I’m actually gonna go to bed. We can catch something later, maybe.” He lowers his eyes, but doesn’t miss the way Chanyeol’s face falls as he quietly bids him goodnight.
*
On the third day, as they’re sitting on the couch watching the movie Jongin had promised, Jongin kisses Chanyeol.
It’s not on purpose, not necessarily, and it’s not so much a kiss as it is Jongin just pressing their mouths together, but Chanyeol’s lips are slightly chapped and soft, and for a split second, Jongin wants more. Then Chanyeol’s hands are dragging him closer by his hips, and Jongin’s suddenly not sure whether he wants Chanyeol to move closer, or if he wants to push him away.
He settles for pushing Chanyeol away, though, probably too roughly, but he doesn’t have it in him to care enough, because he’s not sure what this is or what he’s doing. Mumbling a quiet apology to Chanyeol, whose eyes are growing to be the size of small moons, Jongin retreats to his room, and when he finally falls asleep, way after he hears Chanyeol shut the door to his room, the kiss is still replaying in his mind.
*
As Jongin is leaving for the SM building the next morning, he notices that Chanyeol has already left with his manager to the set of his new drama. By the time Jongin gets back, he’s sleeping. It goes on like this for the remainder of the week, and despite his lingering guilt, Jongin prefers it that way; it’s a lot better than feeling like he’s walking on eggshells every time he’s around Chanyeol.
*
“So, how’s the whole living arrangement going?” Taemin is loud and staticky over the small speakers of Jongin’s earbuds. Jongin winces and resists the urge to rip them out of his ears, instead fumbling with the volume buttons.
“He uses all the hot water when he showers, and never puts the milk up after he’s done with it,” Jongin says miserably, when he’s sure Taemin won’t render him deaf. He glares at the overfilled laundry basket sitting on the floor in front of the bed, as if it’s the reason Chanyeol is Chanyeol. “I can’t even get him to put the cap back on the toothpaste. He’s not even here most of the time, and he still finds ways to get under my skin.”
Taemin snorts but doesn’t laugh, like the good best friend he’s supposed to be. Even so, Jongin can practically hear the effort it’s taking, and that in itself makes him scowl. “It’s not even that bad, Jongin.”
“You have no idea what I go through daily.” Jongin scratches his at his arm, kicks his feet up against the headboard. “Is it too late to come live with you?”
“That offer was rescinded the moment I asked you, since I know you’d be, like, the worst roommate ever.”
“You’re the worst,” Jongin says, and if Taemin were actually here, he’d attempt to suffocate him with his pillow. “You’re probably worse than Chanyeol-hyung.”
“Hm.” Taemin is quiet for a minute, and when he speaks, he sounds thoughtful. “You know, you lived with him for six years, and it wasn’t so bad then, from what you’ve told me. What’s so different about now?”
“It’s not, I just. I don’t know.” Jongin lies, and then he frowns, because that kiss is still at the forefront of his mind.
*
what do u want get for dinner?
is what Chanyeol texts Jongin that night. It surprises Jongin, since he didn’t think they were speaking. He doesn’t ever even remember giving Chanyeol his number after he’d changed it. Intuition tells him it was probably Lu Han’s doing, but he pushes back his annoyance, as there’s no reason why Chanyeol shouldn’t have it in the first place. He puffs his cheeks as he stares down at his phone, wondering if he could just pass it off as an unreceived message.
He ends up texting back anyway, sending a quick im not too hungry before he loses his nerve. After he powers off his phone, Jongin realises that he has possibly done something Very Stupid, so he decides to take a very long, much-needed nap. Maybe Chanyeol won’t wake him up. He knows he’s being illogical and, admittedly, a little ridiculous, but Chanyeol makes him feel weird, so it’s probably justified.
Later, Jongin walks into the kitchen to find a chocolate chip muffin sitting on the counter, right next to a venti Americano. A post-it note has been stuck to the rim of the still-warm cup, Chanyeol’s messy Hangul scrawled across the side.
You sleep too much~~~ I stopped and got this for you since I know you didn’t eat yesterday. It’s cold outside, so wear a jacket!
The weight of something warm settles in Jongin’s chest, alongside a terrible guilt that has him frowning and pouring the contents of the to-go cup down the drain.
*
Somewhere between late night trips to the convenience store and filming for variety shows, Jongin falls in love with Chanyeol. It’s not an earth-shattering revelation that hits him out of nowhere one morning while he’s eating breakfast, nor is it this startling moment of truth that has him freezing in the middle of dance practice.
Instead, it happens slowly; he begins noticing things that others probably wouldn’t, like how Chanyeol prefers peppermint toothpaste, or the way Chanyeol’s lips press together when he’s unsatisfied with something. Initially, it doesn’t mean much to him, because it’s not unusual for him to notice things like that.
Except he starts to wonder what Chanyeol’s lips would taste like after a while (grape, since he’s always eating these gross purple candies), how soft his hair would be between his fingers (softer than he’d have thought), and it’s then that he realises that this is something more serious. For the sake of work, of their friendship, he never completely acts on… whatever this is, because he isn’t going to lose everything that he worked so hard for, that they all worked so hard for, to something that could end in a second.
Distancing himself seems to be the answer to his problem. It’s hard, Chanyeol makes it so hard, but as time passes, it becomes easier.
*
When one in the morning rolls around, Jongin is still awake. He’s too keyed up for some reason, so he decides to attempt to imitate the honey tea his mother used to make when he couldn’t sleep. It’s silent and dark as Jongin moves through the apartment, television having been turned off after he got home. Chanyeol’s door is closed; either he hasn’t come home yet, or he’s asleep, which Jongin is grateful for as he pulls out bottles of water and honey from the fridge.
“Can’t sleep?”
Chanyeol, Jongin thinks with slight alarm, looks too pale under the flourescent light of the kitchen, seemingly having to lean against the counter to avoid falling over at any given moment. His hair is tousled, falling into bleary eyes, and he runs a hand through it before covering his mouth to hide a yawn. He adjusts the blanket he has draped around his shoulders, an ugly floral one that Baekhyun’s mom had knitted and sent after their debut, and raises an eyebrow.
“No.” Jongin finally answers, turning to pull two mugs out of the cabinet. He carefully fills them little more than halfway with water before sticking them in the microwave, too lazy to boil water on the stove. “You snore too loud for anyone to get any peace.”
Chanyeol rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning wide enough to show Jongin all of his teeth. “I don’t snore, and even if I do, it’s not that loud.” He reaches out to grab the canister of tea sitting on the counter, fishing out two bags and holding them out for Jongin to take. “You sleep like the dead, anyway. It’s not like it’ll keep you up.”
“Obviously you do, since I’m still awake.” Jongin plucks the tea from Chanyeol’s fingers. They’re callused, but not as rough as Jongin would’ve thought. “Why are you even up?”
"I heard you in here. Thought you might’ve wanted some company.”
“If wanted company, I would have asked you,” Jongin says mildly as the microwave beeps. He pulls the cups out quickly, dropping the tea bags into them before they cool. The water instantly turns a warm brown. He’ll let them sit for a minute before adding anything else. “Thanks for the gesture, though.”
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything at first, and he’s looking pensively at the floor when Jongin glances at him from the corner of his eye. “You wouldn’t have asked, though.”
Jongin pauses in stirring in the honey, teeth tugging at his bottom lip. His stomach is beginning to turn unpleasantly, and he’s sure his face is red, with the way that it’s burning. “I would have. I do all the time.”
“You wouldn’t,” Chanyeol says. “You never do. You’ve been avoiding me lately.” He doesn’t sound angry, not really, but Jongin can still hear the quiet accusation in his words and… he shouldn’t have gotten up, should have just stayed in bed and tried harder to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to talk about this right now, especially not with Chanyeol.
“I would,” Jongin replies quietly. “And I’m not avoiding you, I...”
“Don’t want to be here.” Chanyeol’s lips press together, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows. Jongin sort of wishes he could smooth it out with his thumb. “Why can’t you just admit that-”
“I’ve never once said that. How do you know I don’t want to be here?”
“Because we never talk,” Chanyeol says, blanket slipping off his shoulders. “You never seem like you want to be around me, and no matter how hard I try, you still make me feel like I’m not good enough.”
Jongin shakes his head, his fingers tightening around the spoon. “I didn’t mean for you to-”
“To what?” Chanyeol blows out a sharp breath. “I’m tired of chasing after something I’ll probably never have. Six years is a long time, Jongin.”
“And I wasn’t going to lose my job over something that didn’t...” Regret fills Jongin the moment the words are out, because even if he didn’t finish, Chanyeol’s face crumples like he knows what Jongin was about to say, and he wants to take them back because he said it wrong, that wasn’t what he meant.
“Alright,” is all Chanyeol says, though, takes a step back. Jongin wants to stop him, wants to pull him close and apologise, but the words stick too much in his throat. Instead, he watches as Chanyeol withdraws and goes back to his room, the door shutting quietly.
Guilt is what keeps Jongin awake the rest of the night, mind working too hard for him to manage to fall back to sleep, and he only heads out to the studio to meet Baekhyun and Jongdae after Chanyeol has left for his set.
*
“I don’t know what you did to Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says a few days later, after Jongdae and Jaewan have gone and it’s just him and Jongin left in the room, “but you need to fix it. He looks like shit right now.” He’s breathing heavily out of his mouth, shirt off and sweat dripping down the sides of his face, and Jongin would think he looks a bit ridiculous if he didn’t feel so terrible.
“I don’t know how to fix it, hyung,” Jongin says, pathetically. He drops his bag to the floor and sits beside it, resting his chin on his knees. “I really messed up, and he won’t even come near me, let alone listen to what I have to say.”
Baekhyun hums, thoughtful, and flops down next to Jongin. “I screwed up once, really bad, when we were trainees. He pretty much ignored me for weeks, but we were fine after that. Had to find the right time to make him listen to me, though. ” He pushes his hair out of his face, and his eyes are serious behind the thick black frame of his glasses. “Chanyeol’s not too hard to figure out, when you know what you’re trying to do.”
“But I don’t know what to do.” Jongin is tired of cryptic remarks; he just wants Chanyeol to speak to him again.
“You’re the one that fucked up,” Baekhyun says, standing and brushing off the seat of his pants with a small smile. “You have to fix it. We both know Chanyeol, and even if he’s a little stubborn, he’ll come around. Just find the right moment.”
Jongin sighs, and hopes Baekhyun is right.
*
Today is Jongin’s day off, so he’s decided to spend the free time sitting on the sofa, eating junk and watching episodes of some bad k-drama he doesn’t know the name of. Chanyeol hadn’t needed to film today, and Jongin can hear him moving throughout the rest of house as he finds ways to avoid whatever room Jongin occupies.
It’s been two weeks since Jongin’d talked to Baekhyun, and Chanyeol has showed no signs of forgiving him. Jongin doesn’t blame him, but he’s impatient, and he’s not going to wait another two weeks just to have Chanyeol say two words to him.
He waits until Chanyeol is passing through to get to his room before grabbing at his wrist, teeth taking his bottom lip between his teeth. Chanyeol stills under his grip, and Jongin considers this a good sign, even if Chanyeol’s only half-looking at him.
“Hyung.”
“What?” Chanyeol asks. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to apologise,” Jongin says a little fumblingly, and he feels his face heat up under Chanyeol’s glare. “For what I said, that one time. I didn’t mean it-”
“Except you did, right?”
“No.” Jongin clears his throat, tightens his grip around Chanyeol’s wrist. Wishes he could pull him closer still. “I didn’t. I guess I just…”
“You can’t take it back,” Chanyeol says, and he doesn’t even sound angry anymore, just sad, and it makes Jongin feel even worse because he’d rather have Chanyeol yell at him over this. “Just because you didn’t mean it, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t at least half the truth.”
“I’m… really bad at this, so just. Just listen, for once.”
“You are,” Chanyeol says under his breath. “I’m listening.”
“I never meant what I said,” Jongin starts, and winces as he hears his voice crack. Chanyeol probably doesn’t notice, but then his lips twitch, and Jongin is almost too embarrassed to continue. “I mean, I did at a point, but that was because it was easier for everyone if we just didn’t.” He lets go of Chanyeol’s wrist to pick at a loose thread in his sweater, voice low. “It was necessary at the time, and I guess it stuck. Doesn't mean I never wanted you, or whatever you thought. Because I do. Obviously.”
Jongin wants to laugh. Chanyeol looks ridiculous right now, eyes too wide with his mouth hanging open, and maybe he wants to kiss him instead. He doesn't do either, though, because he feels like he's going to be sick if Chanyeol doesn't say something.
Chanyeol chokes out something that could've been “so stupid" and he sounds a little breathless and disbelieving, and that's all it takes for Jongin to lean in and capture Chanyeol's lips between his own. It's a lot better than last time, Chanyeol's warm, smooth mouth moving against his, and it's hard for Jongin to suppress a slight grin when Chanyeol's hands settle on his hips.
"I guess I understand what you were trying to do," Chanyeol says as he pulls away slightly, "but you are so stupid."
“I am not.” Jongin tries not to pout, because he’s not the stupid one. That’s always been Chanyeol, with his loud laugh and dumb facial expressions. “Am I forgiven for my inability to speak?”
“Not yet. You still have a lot to make up for,” Chanyeol says seriously, but he still kisses Jongin again, slow and deep. He knows the others will probably make fun of them when they inevitably find out, yet he can’t bring himself to care as he kisses Chanyeol back.
He agrees, though, since he does have a lot to make up for, six years worth, but he figures there are worse things he could spend his time doing.