(no subject)
Jobs have changed, people have changed, I have changed. I am having these overwhelming feelings of comfort to be posting again. So lets just see how it goes.
Jen Walker. Met her while working at New York Sub, practically live with her now. One of the neater people I've been blessed with meeting. Same working for nothing as me. Same going nowhere as all of us. I love who she is. Lives small, kills the pain, changes her mind with the things I say. I have a lot to say about her but most of it is pretty incriminating so I will just say nothing other than what a joyful addition to my life.
Jenni. (Ok wait, confusing detail: "Jen" is Jennifer Walker. "Jenni" is Jennifer Clark. Just for the record. We had to make a distinction, even I still get confused) Anyway, she and I are trying to separate a little. I guess our relationship got pretty codependent and unhealthy. So were trying to back off from each other while maintaining our friendship. She broke up with (or was broken up with by) her gf, we were all glad. We all hang out together and girlfriend put our Jenni in Portland on weekends, the crowd was displeased. Now she has been hanging out with this new girl. I haven't met her yet so I shouldn't judge, but I've read her blog. What of it I could stand anyway, She is depressed and way down on herself, whines constantly about hating herself and looking ugly despite her pretty blond hair and rockhot body and the flock of men that congregate around to look at and read about her. Whatever. Jenni came over with starry eyes telling me how inspired she was by this woman. Telling me how intrigued by her stories she was... Shit, I've been depressed and had low self-esteem for ages, why aren't I inspiring. Why aren't I the sexy "uglygirl". Bah, I'm just being a jerk. I totally know what its like to have a shitty self image or a skewed view of self. I'm just jealous. Of what I'm not totally sure. Anyway, onward. HUGE HEAVING SIGH!! My Jenni is shipping out to sea. ROCK!! I am so excited for her. She came back with the coolest stories of the ship and of songs and of this really family-esque feeling from the inviting crew. I know she digs that, so while I'll hugely miss her. I am way exited and proud that she has earned this opportunity. She made it sound so cool that even I, (horrible aqua-phobia and all) considered applying to volunteer. I LOVE YOU JENNI!!! VIVA MY SEA LADY!!! I will be your tow-rope girl!!
Riley, my love. I was pretty harsh on him a couple posts ago. He isn't that bad. In his defense he is very responsible and low maintenance. He has come so far. From doing drugs every day and drinking himself blind every night to sober and clean (Aside from the pot I can't get him to quit. Infuriating) Always pays his half of the bills. Doesn't bother me, (which bothers me). Who knows what I want. I change my mind every 14 seconds. All in all he is mostly patient and kind. He can be a real asshole, but even when its bad, its not that bad. I just wish he cared about us more. Cared about my feelings more. I wish he had goals. I wish he had a plan. I wish he wanted more out of life. I wish he had passion. Wish the TV wasn't on all the time. I wish we had sex. I wish I didn't blame myself for the fact that we don't. I wish I wish. I bet he wishes a lot about me too. Wishes I didn't need so much attention. Wishes I would lose weight. Wishes I wouldn't keep so many secrets. Wishes I were Rebeca with his little girl. Wishes wishes. Sigh. We'll probably keep going like this until we can't stand it anymore. Isn't that how it goes?
So recently I have been keeping a dream journal. Most of it is pretty amazing. I don't have nightmares anymore. (I mean, the occasional sick, twisted or frightening, but most are pretty rare these days) In fact I really look forward to my dreams. They have been really deep and symbolic. Maybe I'll post some of them in here.
My job rocks, I really enjoy it. Being out of work was scary and stressful, but it was nice to have a little bit of rest. I got to plant a garden at Riley's parents house and take naps and keep my house clean. I got to cook meals and read books and take my time drinking big mugs of tea. I wonder why I don't do that stuff on my days off. I have this nasty story that I don't have enough time.
Fuck I hate to exercise. Its embarrassing, its difficult, its painful. Jenni and I bought a treadmill at Christmas time. And vow as I might that I will use it, (30 mins a day, 20 mins a day, ok 3 times a week, alright, at least once a week) I hate it. I'll admit that I feel good when I'm finished. And that I am filled with self respect when I finally get around to getting on the damn thing. Its been a blessing and a bitch at the same time.
Jen Walker. Met her while working at New York Sub, practically live with her now. One of the neater people I've been blessed with meeting. Same working for nothing as me. Same going nowhere as all of us. I love who she is. Lives small, kills the pain, changes her mind with the things I say. I have a lot to say about her but most of it is pretty incriminating so I will just say nothing other than what a joyful addition to my life.
Jenni. (Ok wait, confusing detail: "Jen" is Jennifer Walker. "Jenni" is Jennifer Clark. Just for the record. We had to make a distinction, even I still get confused) Anyway, she and I are trying to separate a little. I guess our relationship got pretty codependent and unhealthy. So were trying to back off from each other while maintaining our friendship. She broke up with (or was broken up with by) her gf, we were all glad. We all hang out together and girlfriend put our Jenni in Portland on weekends, the crowd was displeased. Now she has been hanging out with this new girl. I haven't met her yet so I shouldn't judge, but I've read her blog. What of it I could stand anyway, She is depressed and way down on herself, whines constantly about hating herself and looking ugly despite her pretty blond hair and rockhot body and the flock of men that congregate around to look at and read about her. Whatever. Jenni came over with starry eyes telling me how inspired she was by this woman. Telling me how intrigued by her stories she was... Shit, I've been depressed and had low self-esteem for ages, why aren't I inspiring. Why aren't I the sexy "uglygirl". Bah, I'm just being a jerk. I totally know what its like to have a shitty self image or a skewed view of self. I'm just jealous. Of what I'm not totally sure. Anyway, onward. HUGE HEAVING SIGH!! My Jenni is shipping out to sea. ROCK!! I am so excited for her. She came back with the coolest stories of the ship and of songs and of this really family-esque feeling from the inviting crew. I know she digs that, so while I'll hugely miss her. I am way exited and proud that she has earned this opportunity. She made it sound so cool that even I, (horrible aqua-phobia and all) considered applying to volunteer. I LOVE YOU JENNI!!! VIVA MY SEA LADY!!! I will be your tow-rope girl!!
Riley, my love. I was pretty harsh on him a couple posts ago. He isn't that bad. In his defense he is very responsible and low maintenance. He has come so far. From doing drugs every day and drinking himself blind every night to sober and clean (Aside from the pot I can't get him to quit. Infuriating) Always pays his half of the bills. Doesn't bother me, (which bothers me). Who knows what I want. I change my mind every 14 seconds. All in all he is mostly patient and kind. He can be a real asshole, but even when its bad, its not that bad. I just wish he cared about us more. Cared about my feelings more. I wish he had goals. I wish he had a plan. I wish he wanted more out of life. I wish he had passion. Wish the TV wasn't on all the time. I wish we had sex. I wish I didn't blame myself for the fact that we don't. I wish I wish. I bet he wishes a lot about me too. Wishes I didn't need so much attention. Wishes I would lose weight. Wishes I wouldn't keep so many secrets. Wishes I were Rebeca with his little girl. Wishes wishes. Sigh. We'll probably keep going like this until we can't stand it anymore. Isn't that how it goes?
So recently I have been keeping a dream journal. Most of it is pretty amazing. I don't have nightmares anymore. (I mean, the occasional sick, twisted or frightening, but most are pretty rare these days) In fact I really look forward to my dreams. They have been really deep and symbolic. Maybe I'll post some of them in here.
My job rocks, I really enjoy it. Being out of work was scary and stressful, but it was nice to have a little bit of rest. I got to plant a garden at Riley's parents house and take naps and keep my house clean. I got to cook meals and read books and take my time drinking big mugs of tea. I wonder why I don't do that stuff on my days off. I have this nasty story that I don't have enough time.
Fuck I hate to exercise. Its embarrassing, its difficult, its painful. Jenni and I bought a treadmill at Christmas time. And vow as I might that I will use it, (30 mins a day, 20 mins a day, ok 3 times a week, alright, at least once a week) I hate it. I'll admit that I feel good when I'm finished. And that I am filled with self respect when I finally get around to getting on the damn thing. Its been a blessing and a bitch at the same time.