Love so thick it hurts.
I love Connor. So much. My very favorite musician. Sweeps me off me feet every time. I just read the lyrics to a song I had memorized. The power in his poetry is so profound. I rediscover it each time I hear it. I love you Connor. Take me away from here.
Its kind of a creepy morning. I'm up early. Riley still sleeps.not that that is unusual, but there is a link now, to a place I haven't been in a while. our apartment it hungover and sad. I can't get it right.
We drank a little last night. Well, I drank a little. He drank a lot. I laid in the grass in the back yard and stared up at his swaying face. There is a sadness between us. We both know it will be over soon. We play like forever but we both know.
Travis and Andy and Nick were over, we watched tv and they all laughed. I sat between them hollow. This place is perfect. I was ridiculous to think that moving would make me less lonely. It has nothing to do with the place, and everything to do with whats in it. I made a chore list yesterday, things for me to get done. A few things for Riley. He did them. Then told me he really felt things were lopsided work wise. That he does all the work around here. Unbelieveable, in my view. I have always felt that I do more. That I work an 8 hour day and come home and pick the house up while he goes and drinks with his friends. I didn't argue though, which was astonishing. I just said, I'm sorry you feel that I don't pull me weight around here. I gave it right to him. Only now Im being pissed about it, so who knows. I feel very lopsided EVERY day. With love. He does a few chores and now he is doing all the work. mahhhh
I forgot how nice it feels to bitch in my posts.
I wrote down all the things in my life that weren't working. Then I wrote how my life would be and how I would feel if they were working. Then, why they weren't working. If I could change the world, If I didn't look at life through Jane goggles, If I took things as things and changed my view, Life would fucking rock.
I forgave Traci yesterday. Took me long enough to get off of it, but I did. I was having my nails done and I was watching a woman getting a pedicure, I thought of Traci and how happy it made her to do nice things, and how happy it made her to have nice things. I thought of her squirming in the chair and screwing her face up when the lady would touch her feet. Just because she stopped talking to me, Just because she said ugly things about me, and did things that hurt my heart, doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean Anything. It doesn't mean anything. Even now typing it out I'm getting mad all over again, that I feel she threw out our friendship and made friends with Kyles new girlfriend just to hurt me. But none of that means anything. Look how powerless that leaves me. Look how without her that leaves me. It strange, but even the whole time that I hated her for what (I felt) she did to me, when I would think of my wedding, I would think of her there. Crying and happy. When I think of my life, middle aged or retired, even old, she was in it. Emily and I have an Anti-Traci pact. We both were very hurt by how we felt about her and knew that if either of us made friends with her that it would hurt the other. Its not AT ALL the only reason I've stayed away. AT ALL. But I was so sure I was over it the other day. She would be lucky to have the amazing person I am in her life. And... I would be lucky to have her too. I was a different person then, Maybe she is too. Maybe not. But either way, and with or without her, Im over it.
I miss Jessica. I wrote her a whole email in my head last night. She will have none of me anymore. She hates me and thinks I ruined her life. She looks at life through Jessica goggles, like we all do. (well, not all 'jessica' of course) She can't see that I really had little to do with it. Its my view that I was the only one in the situation with any fucking integrity. Still not much, but any at all. I was the only one that said sorry for not having told her. I was the only one that didn't... it doesn't even matter. None of it means anything. It means what I make it mean, and I make it mean that I miss her and the Henry the 8th story and the grammer rules. I miss digging through her house and (REALLY SLOWLY) getting things organized, arranging her flowers so she would have some alive. She would be lucky to have some one awesome like me in her life, if she could get over her view of what happened and let us support her and make her feel better. Is bullshit worth the cost of love?
Its kind of a creepy morning. I'm up early. Riley still sleeps.not that that is unusual, but there is a link now, to a place I haven't been in a while. our apartment it hungover and sad. I can't get it right.
We drank a little last night. Well, I drank a little. He drank a lot. I laid in the grass in the back yard and stared up at his swaying face. There is a sadness between us. We both know it will be over soon. We play like forever but we both know.
Travis and Andy and Nick were over, we watched tv and they all laughed. I sat between them hollow. This place is perfect. I was ridiculous to think that moving would make me less lonely. It has nothing to do with the place, and everything to do with whats in it. I made a chore list yesterday, things for me to get done. A few things for Riley. He did them. Then told me he really felt things were lopsided work wise. That he does all the work around here. Unbelieveable, in my view. I have always felt that I do more. That I work an 8 hour day and come home and pick the house up while he goes and drinks with his friends. I didn't argue though, which was astonishing. I just said, I'm sorry you feel that I don't pull me weight around here. I gave it right to him. Only now Im being pissed about it, so who knows. I feel very lopsided EVERY day. With love. He does a few chores and now he is doing all the work. mahhhh
I forgot how nice it feels to bitch in my posts.
I wrote down all the things in my life that weren't working. Then I wrote how my life would be and how I would feel if they were working. Then, why they weren't working. If I could change the world, If I didn't look at life through Jane goggles, If I took things as things and changed my view, Life would fucking rock.
I forgave Traci yesterday. Took me long enough to get off of it, but I did. I was having my nails done and I was watching a woman getting a pedicure, I thought of Traci and how happy it made her to do nice things, and how happy it made her to have nice things. I thought of her squirming in the chair and screwing her face up when the lady would touch her feet. Just because she stopped talking to me, Just because she said ugly things about me, and did things that hurt my heart, doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean Anything. It doesn't mean anything. Even now typing it out I'm getting mad all over again, that I feel she threw out our friendship and made friends with Kyles new girlfriend just to hurt me. But none of that means anything. Look how powerless that leaves me. Look how without her that leaves me. It strange, but even the whole time that I hated her for what (I felt) she did to me, when I would think of my wedding, I would think of her there. Crying and happy. When I think of my life, middle aged or retired, even old, she was in it. Emily and I have an Anti-Traci pact. We both were very hurt by how we felt about her and knew that if either of us made friends with her that it would hurt the other. Its not AT ALL the only reason I've stayed away. AT ALL. But I was so sure I was over it the other day. She would be lucky to have the amazing person I am in her life. And... I would be lucky to have her too. I was a different person then, Maybe she is too. Maybe not. But either way, and with or without her, Im over it.
I miss Jessica. I wrote her a whole email in my head last night. She will have none of me anymore. She hates me and thinks I ruined her life. She looks at life through Jessica goggles, like we all do. (well, not all 'jessica' of course) She can't see that I really had little to do with it. Its my view that I was the only one in the situation with any fucking integrity. Still not much, but any at all. I was the only one that said sorry for not having told her. I was the only one that didn't... it doesn't even matter. None of it means anything. It means what I make it mean, and I make it mean that I miss her and the Henry the 8th story and the grammer rules. I miss digging through her house and (REALLY SLOWLY) getting things organized, arranging her flowers so she would have some alive. She would be lucky to have some one awesome like me in her life, if she could get over her view of what happened and let us support her and make her feel better. Is bullshit worth the cost of love?