(no subject)
Earlier this year, I read an article on altruism and whether it truly existed. I particularly liked a part of it, which I reproduced in an entry here. The part of it revealed that
"Studies of rescuers show that they don’t believe their behavior is extraordinary; they feel they must do what they do, because it’s just part of who they are. The same holds for more common, less newsworthy acts - working in soup kitchens, taking pets to people in nursing homes, helping strangers find their way, being neighborly. People who act in these ways believe that they ought to help others, but they also want to help, because doing so affirms who they are and want to be and the kind of world they want to exist."
I liked it because I realized that it succinctly worded out the motivations I have when I do certain things. Today, I realized that these words have helped me to understand the bitter taste in my mouth - from something I expected to taste sweet - better.
I realized I got into this position only because I genuinely believed that by helping, it would affirm my beliefs in how I could contribute to an organization that in turn, sought to contribute to society. A month ago, I would wholeheartedly submit that what I was doing would help shape the current world into the world I wish to live in. But that was a month ago, and I realized that things have changed, many many months ago.
So I apologize, with all my heart, to the establishment for failing to contribute in the manner which would maintain its longevity. However, I now see that my failure lies in a latent subconscious (and general) disinterest in the tasks I am given. I no longer believe that my contribution matters, because there is now little congruency between the organization's private interests and the society's education. Still, I don't deny that I am wholly at blame for my own misdemeanor. I've just seen the reason why.
The establishment is aware that things have changed within it. But for starters, how's that coming along? I think it is self-aware but it is daunted by the conclusion that is clearly led to by the dots. When was the last internal discussion truly on the "to be educated", rather than on the "educators" and the math?
When did the prejudice held by the bureaucracy overtake the prejudice amongst the young-minded, when the latter is already bad enough? When did longevity start being defined as quantity and stop being defined as quality?
The establishment, it teaches so many lessons. But when will it learn from its own lessons? When will one stop cowering under one's fear of responsibility and authority, by pushing it to a convenient victim and doing what one know one's responsibility and authority entails.
That said, I know exactly what I should do now. And I know when to walk away when it's the best option all hearts considered.
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