Yeah Im still alive.
Quiet and away but alive.
A forewarning, this is not a happy post or fandom relevant. It's personal and depressing and behind a cut so that no one has to read it. I don't want to spam anyones f-lists with angst.
Ah... where to begin?
Last Monday I finally got to see a Uni counsellor. We had an hour and a half session where I just started talking about... well everything.
My youth, my schooling, my life up till then and we figured out some very unsettling things.
The most unsettling of all is that my friendship with Arrzy was an abusive one that lasted seven years.
It makes sense, I spent seven years at the beck and call of a strongly narcissistic person, putting all my time an effort into her and when I didn't I was suddenly the monster and the bad guy.
It also explains some habits I have.
I fight or get annoyed with Emma or Jess, raise my voice for anything, even if I'm right, I get swallowed up by guilt. I punish myself whether by withdrawing from them or by self harm.
I still feel guilt for even defending myself from Arrzy, for putting my foot down and saying No.
I can't believe it, but it still makes so much sense.
The counsellor drew me a diagram that described how an abusive relationship functions and it described us so well.
I'm seeing her again on Monday, the counsellor so hopefully we can make more progress.
I feel better than I have been, I'm still on edge but I'm less unbalanced. I still feel broken though. It's a bitch to smile and half the time I just want to cut my heart from my chest so the pain stops.
So... thats where I stand.
Now onto better things I think.
Last Sunday I went to a gather, saw friends and saw Jack. Jack is lovely. He stayed with me in the morning, we talked a lot about Uni and what we were doing and when we got separated in the city he looked for me. I found him later when I tried to go home, I was just down for the day at that moment and all I wanted to do was break down and cry.
He, the sweet heart that he his, hugged me and sang to me. I don't know what song it was but its either by Kiss or Guns And Roses (<-- His fave band ). And then we spent the rest of the day together with Emma, Jess and his mate Marek. It was... wonderful.
By monday I was missing him already. I'm such a sap.
So that was nice, lifted everything for a while but now I seem to be drifting back down again. I'm... tired of hurting. Tired of feeling so fucking guilty for something I know I should not be. It's a struggle to be angry and to feel anything else but sorrow.
So, being a musically inclined as I am I'm composing a play list of sorts, a personal mix tape for the past years that should be done later tonight.
Anyone interested?
Sorry bout this guys.
A forewarning, this is not a happy post or fandom relevant. It's personal and depressing and behind a cut so that no one has to read it. I don't want to spam anyones f-lists with angst.
Ah... where to begin?
Last Monday I finally got to see a Uni counsellor. We had an hour and a half session where I just started talking about... well everything.
My youth, my schooling, my life up till then and we figured out some very unsettling things.
The most unsettling of all is that my friendship with Arrzy was an abusive one that lasted seven years.
It makes sense, I spent seven years at the beck and call of a strongly narcissistic person, putting all my time an effort into her and when I didn't I was suddenly the monster and the bad guy.
It also explains some habits I have.
I fight or get annoyed with Emma or Jess, raise my voice for anything, even if I'm right, I get swallowed up by guilt. I punish myself whether by withdrawing from them or by self harm.
I still feel guilt for even defending myself from Arrzy, for putting my foot down and saying No.
I can't believe it, but it still makes so much sense.
The counsellor drew me a diagram that described how an abusive relationship functions and it described us so well.
I'm seeing her again on Monday, the counsellor so hopefully we can make more progress.
I feel better than I have been, I'm still on edge but I'm less unbalanced. I still feel broken though. It's a bitch to smile and half the time I just want to cut my heart from my chest so the pain stops.
So... thats where I stand.
Now onto better things I think.
Last Sunday I went to a gather, saw friends and saw Jack. Jack is lovely. He stayed with me in the morning, we talked a lot about Uni and what we were doing and when we got separated in the city he looked for me. I found him later when I tried to go home, I was just down for the day at that moment and all I wanted to do was break down and cry.
He, the sweet heart that he his, hugged me and sang to me. I don't know what song it was but its either by Kiss or Guns And Roses (<-- His fave band ). And then we spent the rest of the day together with Emma, Jess and his mate Marek. It was... wonderful.
By monday I was missing him already. I'm such a sap.
So that was nice, lifted everything for a while but now I seem to be drifting back down again. I'm... tired of hurting. Tired of feeling so fucking guilty for something I know I should not be. It's a struggle to be angry and to feel anything else but sorrow.
So, being a musically inclined as I am I'm composing a play list of sorts, a personal mix tape for the past years that should be done later tonight.
Anyone interested?
Sorry bout this guys.