Flawed Design: Eighty Eight
Title: Flawed Design (88)
Part: Eighty-Eight
POV: Zac
Pairing: Zaylor (Zac/Taylor)
Genre: Hancest
Rating: R
Warnings: Drug use and references to marijuana as well as the illusion/hinting of other drugs. Adult language and themes. Some sexual content.
Authors Notes:
Word Count: 2684
Much of the day was spent in the bus; clocking miles from Los Angeles to Phoenix. I hadn't minded the quiet time, I lost most of the hours to a book. I spent a little bit of time wondering about Taylor, who'd chosen to made himself scarce. At lunch time, we stopped and ate at a burger joint. I sat across from Taylor but we made very little eye contact. He seemed a little bit nervous and anxious, but not upset or angry. When we began to climb back onto the bus, he followed behind me, reaching forward and brushing my elbow with his fingers. Since we were the last ones on, I paused in the narrow walkway between the bunks as the rest of the crew headed to the lounge to watch a movie.
"You ok?"
My brows furrowed for a moment; it seemed an odd question. He'd been the one that was ill, but I supposed he'd actually noticed my quietness, my reluctance to join into the conversation that had been made at the lunch table. Had he noticed that no one had bothered to include me? Had he noticed that I'd spent the majority of the meal gazing out the window at a very uninteresting parking lot. Was he going to pretend like he actually cared?
"I'm fine." I told him, pushing down the feelings of anger and resentment that had begun to bubble within me. Now was not the time for a fight.
"You're mad at me." Taylor blurted out.
I didn't know what to say in response. He'd been able to read my mind and it would be impossible to lie to him. I studied his face, his pale blue eyes and his thin lipped frown. He looked genuinely disappointed. Worried.
"It's alright, Tay." I didn't want him to stress out; he had a radio interview to attend after we arrived at the hotel in Phoenix.
A radio interview that would only include Taylor and Adam; the two seeming head-liners of the band. I wondered a little bit if Bun E or James minded feeling left out; shouldn't all the band members have been equal? Personally, I wasn't devastated to be left out, it wasn't my band and I wouldn't know how to answer questions about it. I hadn't needed to ever wonder about whether or not I'd be included; Adam had made it very clear that the "evening would be mine" to enjoy how I wished; that I wouldn't need to report for "band duties" until the following day around lunch time, sound check and preparation for the show.
"But you are." Taylor said, trying to be quiet but failing miserably. He'd never been good at containing his emotions during times of crisis.
Usually patient with him, my nerves felt frazzled and I was genuinely exhausted from his antics that had consumed the evening prior. I took a deep breath and then looked into his eyes. "Here really isn't a good place to talk."
Taylor sucked his lower lip into his mouth and nodded. He knew that I was right. "What about tonight?"
"You've got the interview."
"Afterwards." Taylor countered.
Immediately, I sensed that things could not be as simple as that. But, Taylor looked insistent.
"After the interview, I'll meet you at your room?"
"You don't have plans?"
Taylor paused for a moment. "No." He replied, shaking his head.
I didn't want to feel too excited; in fact, I didn't really know how badly I even wanted to spend the evening with him. I also knew that we needed it. Our relationship needed it. There was a conversation that needed to be had and roughened emotions that needed smoothed over.
"Alright, text me when you're on your way back."
Taylor nodded. "Will do. I'm heading to the lounge... you coming?"
I shook my head. "Going to read."
"Suit yourself."
The bunk felt lonelier than ever, but I didn't regret my decision. I wanted to be around Taylor, but not in the shared company of the rest of the crew. Part of me deep down resented myself for being so antisocial, this sort of bullshit was what had left me feeling so lonely for years in New York City. Even before that, my tendency to withdraw had kept me a certain distance from loved ones at times. It wasn't the best way of dealing with things and I knew it, but I also didn't know any other way.
At some point, I grew tired of the book and fell asleep with it on my chest, not waking until we reached Phoenix.
The bus rolled to a stop in front of a Best Western and I slowly stretched myself out of the sleeping pretzel I'd become. The rest of the guys piled past me before I trailed out behind them, thankful to be able to stretch my legs. The sun was just beginning to set, late afternoon or early evening I guessed before checking the time. I'd been correct, we'd arrived just before six. There was an hour and a half until the interview, so it had been decided that we'd get some dinner. A chicken wing joint around the corner had caught James' eye and no one - especially me could offer any protest to that idea.
Dinner felt more comfortable than lunch, though it was really only James that I had been talking with. He and I discovered a mutual appreciation for the video game Halo and a conversation was born. I felt for the first time at ease, as if I was with a friend and not a stranger. Meanwhile, Taylor and Adam were absorbed in the details of the interview, discussing with the band manager the logistics and the questions that would likely be asked. Our food seemed to arrive pretty quickly, and I dug into my chicken wings with a lot more hunger than I'd anticipated.
The ease of my anxiety had probably stimulated my appetite, but I ate until I was stuffed - a second pound of wings - and quite enjoyed my time with James. We talked about video games almost the entire time - something that likely would have annoyed Taylor, had he not been so wrapped up in the conversation with Adam. And I couldn't really blame him - it was actually important, but either way, I didn't feel left out. I even appreciated the break from thinking about him. The conversation had done me well. I left the restaurant wondering if I should ask James if he wanted to come over and play some games (of course, my backpack held my XBOX especially well) but in the end I chickened out.
Adam and Taylor had to leave pretty quickly, so James and I had been dropped off at the hotel in a hurry. Taylor hadn't even bothered to say goodbye, and though I half expected him to send a text message at the least, I wasn't the most surprised when one never came. I slunk back to my room and fought the feelings of loneliness that were creeping in. I briefly thought about home; wondering about the dog and the shop as well. Things that would be small and menial to Adam. I'm not sure what made my mind wander in that direction, but I suddenly felt a little bit ashamed of my humble life; a little out of place. I had gotten along so easily with James but wondered now, what would he think of me, had he met me as Zac who sold paint brushes? Zac who pulled espresso shots and made a mean latte. This trip had made me think a lot about my life once upon a time, reminded me of being in a band, in so many ways. And also showed me, how different my life really had become.
Taylor was Taylor Hanson, lead singer.
I was just Zac.
-Later-
My evening had been rather lack lustre for awhile; there wasn't much on tv and the pay per view choices were slim. I contemplated a dip in the pool but decided that I couldn't be bothered. Swimming by yourself wasn't really much fun. Neither was exploring, but I found myself wandering the hall anyway. I came upon an older staircase near the back of the building and followed it right down to ground level. In the back parking lot, I didn't see much action - at first. A few clusters of cars that presumably belonged to employees of the hotel and a small patch of grass with a couple picnic tables. I began to wander across to the grassy area, unsure of just what I intended to do but I simply felt restless and the need to roam. Before I was three quarters of the way across, I heard a voice call out to me and practically leapt of my skin.
"You lookin for any body?" A tall guy with shaggy dark hair smushed under a blue toque began to saunter towards me. He didn't seem particularly hostile.
"Nope. Just killing time."
The guy, probably a couple of years younger than myself, gave me a lazy smile. "Need something to do?" He patted the canvas bag that was draped over his shoulder.
My eyes followed his movements and rested upon the bag. It took me a couple of seconds, but not too long. I wasn't unfamiliar to his type, after all.
"Nothing hard."
The guy shook his head. "Just the natural stuff here, man."
I glanced around the parking lot. "Let's go somewhere a little more private."
He nodded. "Names Adrian."
I paused. "Zac."
He seemed friendly enough and after harmlessly exchanging a little bit of money for a couple of grams of weed, my night became much more enjoyable. A small convenience store down the street offered me the chance to buy a package of papers and a lighter. When I got back to the hotel about half an hour later, I was eager to roll myself a joint. This time, I needn't go far again, I was lucky enough that my suite had a small balcony attached. The sun was setting and the sky was painted in abstract throws of orange and maroon. Tiny stars were just beginning to twinkle from beneath a layer of hazy clouds. I stood out there until I was finished and then waited a little bit longer. I wondered a little bit about what Taylor would be up to; if I'd really see him later. I doubted it. But didn't really mind, either. At least in the moment.
Much more relaxed and content, tucked the little baggy of weed into a pocket inside of my backpack and then I flopped onto the bed and reached for the remote. I can't even remember what I found to watch because it wasn't long before I fell asleep. So much for the entertainment. I was just too utterly exhausted and the sedative had knocked me right out.
-A couple of hours later-
I awoke with a jolt to the sound of my cell phone going off. I recognized immediately the tone as the one that was designated to calls from Taylor and my heart was racing as I reached for it.
"Hello?"
"Finally, geez" Taylor sighed.
"What's up?" I sat up in bed and stifled a yawn.
"I was knocking at your room and there was no answer - where are you? Did you go out?"
"No... I'm here. I was asleep. Where are you now?"
"My room. I'll be there in a sec."
The line cut out before he said anything else. I felt a little bubble of excitement; I hadn't been expecting to actually spend the evening with him and when I glanced at the clock, I felt a little guilty. It was only nine thirty, so he obviously hadn't gone out after the interview, he'd come right back. To see me. It had only been a couple of minutes at the most when I heard the sound of knocking. Getting up, I ran my fingers quickly through my sleep-messy hair and then pulled open the door.
Taylor gave me a quick smile and as soon as the door closed, I felt his arms around me. I pulled him close and then kissed his cheek gently. I no longer felt annoyed by his antics from the night before, the hug had seemingly melted any remaining negative energy. What mattered was that he wanted to spend time with me now, and I really did appreciate it.
"How did the interview go?"
"Was alright." Taylor paused and my good mood began to fade, as quickly as it had set in.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just a lot of questions about Bun-E." Taylor sighed and then wandered over to the bed and sat down.
"Oh." I hadn't really known what else to say in response; I doubted that the questions had been fun to answer. I wondered as well what he thought about explaining Bun-E's replacement. I knew better than to ask, and so I didn't say anything at all. I wanted to salvage the evening as best I could.
"What are -" Taylor's eyes had wandered over to the table next to the bed where I'd left the pack of Zig Zag papers. "Did you get some weed?"
"I did."
"I thought you said you didn't go out?"
"Well, it was pretty brief." I shrugged.
"Where the heck did you find a dealer?" Taylor chuckled.
"You're forgetting that I did live in New York CIty for several years on my own..." I pretended to puff out my chest and look tough. Taylor laughed immediately.
"You didn't need to do that, could have just asked me, or Adam."
"I guess. I didn't know that." I shrugged.
"We have all sorts of party favours...." Taylor's smile grew a little and his eyes sparkled with mischief.
I didn't like it. It made me uneasy. I had known that he'd used things in the past, but as for present day, I'd adopted a sort of don't - ask - don't - tell policy when it came to a lot of things. I hadn't been eager to indulge the truths about my own experimentation and part of me just didn't want to know about his either. But to know now that he might be using in the company of Adam, felt in some way, like a betrayal of sorts. It shouldn't, I supposed, because he was his own entity capable of making his own choices, but I guess I just worried about him.
"That's okay..." I laughed. "You want me to roll us a joint?" I sat down on the bed next to him.
"Sure." Taylor nodded. "or...we could..."
I felt my stomach twist again. "We could what?" I dared to ask him to finish his sentence.
"Nevermind." Taylor shook his head while smiling. "I have a better idea of what I want to do."
My brows furrowed. Now he was really confusing me. "What...?"
Taylor just smiled as he leaned a little closer and brushed his lips over mine. My entire body melted a little bit as I felt him twist his fingers into my shirt and tug me down towards the bed. Taylor moved, guiding his body on top of mine and my heart began to race as I looked up into his blue eyes. I searched his face and wondered what might be on his mind; the mood had seemed to shift. I no longer felt annoyed or riddled with anxiety wondering about what he meant about Adam's "party favours". The only thing occupying my mind was my sudden and growing need for more of him. He lowered his lips to mine and gave me a slow, but passionate kiss.
"Everything else can wait... I just want to stay in with you."