Flawed Design - Eighty Seven
Title: Flawed Design (87)
Part: Eighty-Seven
POV: Zac
Pairing: Zaylor (Zac/Taylor)
Genre: Hancest
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Some adult content, mentions of alcohol and drug use.
Authors Notes:
Word Count: 3161
I'd given him the extra key to the room without any expectation of him actually using it, and my mood had been rather bitter heading back to the hotel all by myself. I couldn't help but feel a little foolish to have let myself believe that he might actually spend the night with me; but how could I have been so stupid to think that it could be that simple? Had I chosen a 'regular' sort of relationship, these common things like sharing a room and the evening together would not ever be given more than a passing thought. Instead, falling in love with my brother had granted me an unimaginable number of limitations and restrictions.
As I settled into the room by myself, eyes scanning the lengthy dinner menu offered by room service, I decided that my life was still better than it had been a couple of years ago. I no longer felt the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that threatened to eat me alive. There had been times that I'd considered just ending it all, things had felt so dismal and low. After I'd got the job at the coffee shop, I finally found a reason to get through each day, as menial as it might have seemed to anyone on the outside. But the job changed me; I realized, sitting along and staring out at a highway I had no connection to, in a state far from home - wherever home even was. Sometimes, I felt as though I didn't know much about myself, about my life, about anything that was happening. It was enough to just keep my head above the water, to take things one day at a time. I knew, without a doubt, however, that I was a changed man.
He was different as well. Time and experiences had changed him, he was no longer the soft and sweet boy that I'd spent my life falling in love with. Taylor had always been so much to me, an older brother, a best friend, a confidante. After I'd messed everything up, that all changed. What I'd managed to piece back together was not a mirror image of the past, but a scrapbook of sorts. I held onto some of the memories from our younger years, but I'd pushed many of them away as well. What we'd rebuilt was something entirely different, something entirely our own. I suppose we've never really even given it a name; never talked about the boundaries or the rules of our 'relationship', we've simply lived it. I'd never had a reason to worry about it before, I'd always trusted him. Laying alone in the strange and unfamiliar hotel room, I forced myself to trust him then as well. I didn't have much of a choice.
My room service dinner lacked any of the flavour that it lead me to believe it might foster. For "butter chicken", I struggled to find a scarce hint of spice and the rice was over cooked, mushy and bland. The charge for the mini bar would be astronomical, but I decided that because it wasn't my bill - I didn't really give a fuck, and reached for a bottle of beer, toasting myself to loneliness. The drink was cold and satisfying, I chugged close to half of it before I flopped back on the bed, reaching for the remote and searching for something to watch until I was too tired. I had imagined touring to be a little more exciting, but I'd turned down the offer of the night out on my own accord - the night club scene wasn't particularly my thing, and I had thought that Taylor had put that sort of thing behind him as well.
Three beers later, I pulled the blankets up over my chest and switched off the bed side lamp, drowning myself in inky blackness. The tv mumbled and glowed behind me, turned down so that it was just loud enough to fill the atmosphere with white noise, a bid to keep my mind from wandering to dark places in the consuming silence. My exhaustion proved that this wouldn't be an issue, consuming me in a heavy sleep within moments of laying my head down.
It was late when I was stirred awake, the mattress shifting beneath a weight that I automatically assumed as Taylor's, his quiet giggle giving him away. I threw back the covers and sighed, a little annoyed to be woken in the middle of the night by his drunken ass. I could smell the bitter, sour smell of alcohol on his mouth as he giggled, wrapping his arms playfully around my legs.
"I missed you..." He mumbled, snuggling up to my thigh.
With a groan, I shook him off. "It's really late, Tay."
Taylor pouted for a moment, hazy blue eyes watching me as he swayed slightly. I wondered just what had been his cocktail for the evening, something about the glazed look in his eyes made me curious in a way that I knew I shouldn't be. At least, not tonight. I swallowed around the lump of questions that had been rising in my throat and sat up in bed, running my fingers through my shaggy and slightly sweat-dampened hair.
"Where were you?"
"Just out with Adam..." Taylor smiled lazily. "It was fun."
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. It had quite obviously been fun. "I can see that."
Taylor pouted. "What's wrong Zaccy? Did you miss me?"
My body stiffened up a little bit; his tone had been entirely playful but his words stung none the less. I knew that he was beyond comprehending himself, even further me, and it felt useless to even talk to him. I just sighed, unsure of what to do.
"I thought you would have wanted to spend tonight with me." I mumbled.
"I did..." Taylor began. "I do..." He crawls up the bed, nuzzling his nose against my navel and then trailing his lips over my ribs.
I felt my heart begin to beat faster, responding to the way that his mouth feels as he drags his lips over my nipples. I suck in a breath and hold it, not really wanting to give in to what my body thinks it's aching for. I don't want him like this.
"That's why I'm here now, Zaccy..." He laid next kisses over my collarbone and towards my neck.
"Tay" I cleared my throat. "You need to stop."
Taylor giggled, ignoring me completely and continuing to kiss over my neck. I closed my eyes, biting down on my lip and wishing that my body wasn't reacting to him. Any other time, the way he was kissing me would make me feel wonderful. My body hadn't known any better, my heart raced with a mind of it's own and my cock was fully hard when his hand slipped beneath the covers and his fingers found my thigh.
"Tay" I warned, feeling my voice tremble, despite my brain and all of the hesitance that I felt.
Taylor froze. He paused, and I wondered if finally, something had clicked. "What's wrong, Zac?" His voice was decidedly more soft, finally, a hint of genuine concern.
"You're drunk."
Another pause. "A little." He admitted, a shy smile and his cheeks blushed red. "But I missed you..."
I sighed.
"Lay down with me, but you know you can't stay here."
I had wished that it could have been as simple as him falling asleep there, but we had been assigned our separate rooms and any variance in that, questions would no doubt arise. The rooms only had one bed each, after all. It had been Taylor who had been so strict, laying out each and every ground rule, making it perfectly clear that to anyone on the outside, we were nothing more than brothers. Like normal people.
Taylor mumbled something incoherent as he snuggled his nose into my chest and wrapped his arms around my body, much more subdued than he'd been just minutes before. I let out another sigh and wrapped my arms around him, surrendering to the fact that I missed him just as much as he'd admitted to missing me. I wondered if he'd have been so affectionate or honest without the guise of alcohol - and whatever else was in his system. His body felt especially warm as he pressed up close to me and he made a purr-like moaning noise when I began to rake my fingers lazily up and down his spine. The room was dark and still, completely silent except for the sounds of our breathing and I'm not sure how many minutes passed while we just laid there, me running my fingers all over him until his breathing slowed, his body completely softened and he fell asleep on top of me, exactly the way he shouldn't have.
Of course, I promised myself that I had the will to let him sleep for a "few minutes" while I sat up awake, I could let him rest a moment and just enjoy the way it felt to hold him again. I really had missed him. Part of me suppressed the urge to hate myself on a daily basis, for the 'mess' I'd gotten myself into. But another part of me found it impossible to deny just how ... natural, it felt, to have his body pressed against mine. A tangle of similar but not quite the same, limbs and appendages. His skin was soft and delicate, the colour had always reminded me of china. My own was darker, worn with sun and a hint of maple-red. We were so different and yet so much the same as well, our cheeks and our eyes. He was perfect in every way to me, he had been the only person I'd ever really loved this way. And so how could I deny that from myself? I'd lived for long enough, without him. I'd do whatever it took to keep him in my life. My intentions had been noble, but exhaustion won over, and without my consent, I fell asleep with him.
My body had bristled as I jolted awake, eyes darting to the red numbers on the alarm clock. Four thirty in the morning and the bed was missing an occupant. A light under the bathroom door, half closed and then again, the sound that had originally pulled me from my sleep. I closed my eyes as I listened to Taylor pitifully empty the contents of his stomach into the porcelain hotel toilet bowl. It was only the hundredth or so time I'd heard him puke. He'd always been the delicate one, the one to catch any bug or virus. Other times, of course, the illness had been brought upon himself by his own doing, over indulgence or experimentation, or both.
Another few minutes passed and then Taylor moaned and threw up again. I thought about checking on him, but the bed was warm and soft, and I was kind of still annoyed with him as well. I waited, listening as he flushed the toilet and then ran the taps for awhile, I assumed brushing his teeth and cleaning up. Another couple of moments passed before the door swung open and my brother emerged, messy hair and pale in the face. I watched him silently as he staggered over to the bed and laid down with a groan and covering his head with the duvet.
"You alright?" I felt my stomach knot up a little bit as my eyes wandered over to his still form. He didn't seem too great.
"Not really. I need to get back to my room too."
Another knot. I didn't feel great about the idea of him being alone while he was sick. I hadn't forgotten about how much he'd pissed me off coming into my room so late, and much less about the way it felt when he'd basically snubbed me. But I didn't want him sick and alone, either.
"Stay here, you're sick, it's the middle of the night and you can get back to your room in the morning."
I was met with not a response in words, but just snoring. With a soft sigh, I rolled over in the opposite direction and took a good portion of the duvet with me. I tried to brush away my annoyance in sake of sleep, but it was hard to ignore just how childish I felt he was acting. I'd forgotten about his selfish side. And how fun it was to be his baby sitter.
The first time his cell phone rang, it was about eight in the morning. Taylor had been sleeping like a rock, not stirring at the screaming sound that had been erupting from the night table. Myself on the other hand, laid and listened to it ring. I had nudged him once, hoping that the gentle touch would stir him, but he simply groaned and rolled over. Twenty minutes passed before it began to ring again, and this time Taylor sat straight up in bed, blood shot eyes wide and looking frazzled.
"What?" He mumbled, looking around and then reached quickly for his cell phone.
Instead of answering it, however, he simply switched it off and then practically threw it down, leaping out of bed. I'd been initially confused by his rashness but it clicked in seconds later as I watched him dash into the bathroom. I was treated to an encore of my middle of the night entertainment, listening as he emptied his stomach twice between pitiful fits of moaning. I couldn't help but wonder if this punishment would ever teach him to drink less - or take less, or whatever he had done to put him in the horrid state he was in.
I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard the knock at the door. I wondered if it had any connection to the cellphone and my stomach knotted fiercely as I thought about my brother in the bathroom and how he really should be in his own room. Or any other place but mine. I silently willed him to stay exactly where he was, concealed in the bathroom as I made my way towards the door, pulling my shaggy hair into a rough pony tail. I checked the peep hole and saw exactly who I'd been expecting.
"Morning Adam" I had smiled as casually as I could manage.
"Morning" Adam smiled briefly. "I don't suppose you've seen or heard from Tay? We didn't come back together last night and he's not in his room...." Adam's eyes fell to the ground.
So Taylor had come back on his own - and Adam had let him. I supposed that I had no reason to be annoyed by this - no logical one at least, but in Taylor's in toxicated state, he could have gotten into a lot of trouble on his own. I felt rather maternal and snapped myself out of it, knowing that it had no place in the current moment and would do no good for the situation.
"Uh, I got a text from him this morning..." I lied. "He said something about getting a coffee..." Reaching for my phone, I pretended to open the non existent message. "Yeah, about twenty minutes ago."
"Oh" Adam sighed, looking rather relieved. "Alright, cool. I'll see you in about an hour when we roll out?"
I nodded, feeling my heart pounding in my chest and feeling rather in awe at the ease in which I'd just completely lied to Adam and saved my ass. And Taylor's ass. I closed the door and no sooner than seconds passed before the bathroom door opened and Taylor stared at me, wide eyed and more pale than ever.
"He thinks you're getting coffee."
"Does he know I'm here? Did you tell him I'm here?"
I rolled my eyes. "Do you think I'm stupid? I just said, he thinks you're getting coffee. Calm down."
His lack of gratitude was something that I really hadn't appreciated and it had been impossible to hide my annoyance as I threw my phone down on the bed and ran my hands through my hair.
"What if we had gotten caught? This is why I needed to be out of here at four."
"But we weren't caught, and you were sick, excuse me for wanting to make sure that you were okay." I spat at him, feeling my body temperature rise as the anger in my chest seemed to bubble. He still knew how to push every one of my buttons. Acting completely selfish wasn't anything entirely new either, of course, and so I just ignored his grumbling as he pulled his clothes on.
"I'm going to go. I'll see you in the lobby in an hour."
"Fine."
Taylor stared at me for a moment, eyes wide but less shocked looking; more sad. He seemed offended by the shortness of my tone but I really hadn't thought about his expectations or his reaction; he'd pissed me off beyond any sense of reason and in his still-half-intoxicated state, arguing with him was useless. Talking rationally, had seemed even more useless, his head seemed barely screwed on at the best of times and there certainly wasn't much sense in it then.
"I love you?" Taylor frowned, leaning towards me for a kiss.
My lip curled, knowing that he'd been puking just minutes prior. "I love you too."
Taylor frowned, trying again for a kiss. I shook my head. "See you in the lobby."
Taylor slipped from the room without another word, leaving me wondering if I'd been too mean. Entering the bathroom, my conclusion had been that I'd been more than fair, judging by the state he'd left my toilet. I grumbled as I wiped up the bit of mess that he'd either missed or ignored, and then heaved my clothes into a pile on the floor. I turned on the shower and waited for it to warm up, hoping that a shower would refresh me and wake me up. I thought about everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours, deciding that it had seemed like so much for just one day.
After I was cleaned, I got dressed in something comfortable - suitable for a long day on the bus, and then finished packing up the room. I still felt exhausted as I pulled my bag down the hall behind me, heading for the lobby where the rest of the band - Taylor included - had promised to meet me. Sure enough, the band had gathered there, and without exchanging any words with my brother, we loaded up into the bus. Ready to do it all again.