I am Dirty
It's the sentence the computer voice says in "Messin Around" - which I convinced Trent to make say something perverted. I wanted to hear something about weewees... (Yes, I have issues. And no, I don't go around grabbing them) But I guess can't get too happy, right?
I was talking to Steven til like 6:30 am. (still night and weekend minutes). I'm not quite sure our relationship is the same anymore, like after we didn't talk for like a month. I mean, it kinda bothers me that he didn't tell me he'd be busy... Maybe these things just pop up? But I wasn't exactly contacting him either.
I realized, though I told him I would go out with him like a couple months ago (meaning I'd do it if the right time came up), that I probably wouldn't. And it's not just the huge distance, which doesn't help it. I think I think of him as an older brother or something. Maybe a bit too logical and wise for me. Eh... It's good I'm realizing these things.
Some stupid ass decided to set off the fire alarm... at 4:30...am. Not that I was sleeping because I have no classes today. It's homework day for me... Damn, I keep thinking it's Saturday but it's not. I'm fucked up. Yesterday was really scary. I was really happy. I think it's a mechanism I have so when I get super depressed, I start joking around and I can laugh at everything. I'm not sure I really care if stupid stalker people read this... I have nothing to hide. Because all my life I wish I were closer to people, and I know it doesn't go both ways when only I'm talking... But it's a start.
I couldn't explain why I thought pervertedness in sleepy people was cute, at least I did last night. Don't ask. I hate it when that happens. *sigh* I was on the phone then with Steven and these really loud sounds started blasting my ear out basically (I think it fucked up my ears even more, damn.) Then there was the weird computer voice you couldn't really hear, but it was saying something like take the nearest stairt but don't use the elevator. Needless to say, I hate dorms.
I came to the conclusion that I am probably a good thing for Matt. I certainly am more of a good influence than a bad one, in this case at least (not saying with everyone). Sometimes I worry, but I guess he's old enough to take care of himself. Can't stop me from caring about someone though. Everyone kept telling me he was a bad influence. Mandie was always like "you deserve better." =/ Eh, but everyone is human right? I just think she doesn't know how the situation was. We tend to talk to each other mainly just about problems and crap that's going on. So I think she'd be seeing more of a negative point of view. I guess I think I talk to much. I should be more sure of myself. I am closer to him than anyone else, despite... all this. But there was something, I dunno... Like I could tell him anything? Because I don't think he was judging me... Eh, I miss em. But he knows this... Of course. Grrrr...
Oh well, maybe since I've been thinking a bunch more I'll be growing up more if alone. Or something.
I'm still thinking I could be a bad influence with Doug... But eh... I don't think I am. Aside from my whole negativity thingy... But I think he knows himself well enough to not let it affect him. I either don't really care about people, because I don't try to get them to think the way I do or do the things I do... as long as they respect my beliefs. Maybe it comes from insecurity with what I think.
I should clean my room because I will probably meet James today. I hate it when people come to my room because it's icky. I guess we'll figure out something to do... Maybe? I need to go to Target because AHEM Doug didn't want to take me! *cries*
I've been worrying about Mandie a bunch lately. I'm kind of confused as to why she does the things she does. And her best friend doesn't (or rather didn't) sound like she was very supportive or understanding or what not. *sigh* Maybe she'll figure this out.
Now I'm figuring I need more friends here that are girls... Since I seem to be I don't know... Just thinking testosterone is tipping the scale a bit... Though I've been told I have a lot of estrogen.
*dances with Bunnies*
Memories [of you] somehow help the horrors fade, lessen in intensity... A new sense of hope arises.
I can deal with this life, this gift I've been given that sometimes feels like a burden. It's not inevitable, though.
It no longer matters who doubts me. The only thing that could hold me down is self doubt.
Hold faith. Health will replace illness if only I believe.
<3