(no subject)
I'm not depressed right now. I'm not really anything. I have spent a lot of my energy lately not thinking. There have been so many changes going on in my family situation recently that I can't keep my emotions straight. I'm alright though. It just feels overwhelming at times. Planning the wedding is stressful in ways that it shouldn't be. If things were to stay the way they were right now, I don't want either of my parents at the wedding. I need to decide what to do with that. Then I need to figure out a way to pay for it if they aren't going to be helping. The worst thing is I don't want the wedding at all. From the moment I started planning it, I was anxious. I should be excited about picking out a dress pattern and getting my invitations and all that stuff. I originally thought it was because I wasn't girly. Then I realized exactly how girly I am. So, why can't I be excited about this? Social anxiety? Probably. I have cold feet. That's normal, right? I worry that I am too young o be making this kind of commitment to anyone. I worry that I am choosing Alan for the wrong reasons. I feel completely safe with Alan because he isn't a normal man or person even. Every other man I have ever had in my life has hurt me deeply...even Jeremy. Alan would never hurt me. I know he will always keep me safe. We have worked so hard to get to the point that we are at. We have both made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship. We have been together for almost seven years now. We have lived together for five and been engaged for two. It's too late to change my mind. This is just normal cold feet. Commiting your life to a person is a scarey thing. It's only natural to feel this way. Perhaps my mind is just trying to create other problems to think about so I won't have to think about my family. This will all work out though. I just need to see it through.