The first tale in the book

[forgivesusan]

Who is that boastful bard who thinks he can spin a tale as fine as Twp? Here he comes in lively livery, that colorful creature welcome in every faire and hall. He stands at command of King Henry, the greatest king that ever lived, and in Henry’s court he shall tell any tale the royal court commands

Comments

Part 1

[jamimegan]

She is gracious and she is wise, and she has called upon Twp to tell the children her favorite story; the story of The Magic Bag.

That semicolon should be a colon.

“You are welcome to what I have” said the man, “but I have nothing. Indeed, I have more children than I can count and nothing to feed them. “Very well,” spoke the proud and handsome man.

You need an ending quotation mark after the man speaks: ...nothing to feed them."

Well, very soon it was decided and Ira, the oldest daughter, was bundled up to go away with the young man, whether she would or no.

There needs to be a comma after “decided,” and the last word should be “not.”

until his sister sent him away, and told him to take himself deep into the woods and practice his magic

No comma.

she wept to leave the Fair City

Should this be Faire? If it’s just a generic phrase meaning a nice city, I wouldn’t capitalize.

“How long must I be your servant” she said, “And when may I see home again?”

There should be a question mark after “servant,” and then after “said” there should be a period.

There in the depths of the forest the wizard lived conjuring great magics,

“There, in the depths of the forest, the wizard lived, conjuring great magics,”

socering

sorcering

And the wizard would say

When you are grey
You will have your pay
Take all my gold, and there
You may leave me when I see
One long, silver hair.

Comma after “say,” and quotation marks around the quote.

He was neither very cruel to her, but neither was he very kind.

Either “He was neither very cruel to her nor very kind” or “He was not very cruel to her, but neither was he very kind.”

But as the boy grew up alone in that wild place his mother grew very unhappy, and longed to journey back across the mountain and live among people again.

Move the comma to after “place.”

braded

braided

laying upon

laying it upon

Many years had past

passed

The monstrous bird stood on lion’s legs as tall as a haystack, with great greedy talons tearing at his prey, and a great bird’s beak cracking and crushing bones. He paid no heed to mother and son, so what was she to do? but journey forward as if the gryphon were only a shadow, wondering at her good fortune.

Take out the question mark, and change the references to “his” and “he” to “its” and “it,” respectively.

but a winged lion!!

One exclamation mark should be enough.

she said to her young son,

Replace the comma with a period.

with you always my son

Comma after “always.”

Re: Part 1

[jamimegan]

Regarding "Fair City," I just read your other entry, with the notes about Faire vs. Fair, and I think here it's okay to capitalize, but it would make more sense if you removed the "the" before Fair City.

Re: Part 1

[forgivesusan]

thanks! I'll make the changes as soon as I have time.

Re: Part 1

[forgivesusan]

Thank you very, very much for these suggestions.

Would you have time in the next few days to look at/comment on the rest?

THANKS!!!!!!!!!