Break-up = Broken Heart
*sigh* Well, I did what I had to do. Nate and I are no longer together, and I am responsible for that. In a way...I can't believe I threw away 5 months of relationship away, but the more I try to build myself up...I believe it was for the common good.
The more I think about our relationship that we had...the more I'm discovering about it that I never knew. Why is it that we kissed so much? Was it because that was both of our first real experience like that, and it was an addiction, not a symbol? Was our physical involvement nothing more than childish teenage hormones run wild once we realized that both of us wanted it and could have it when the other agreed? Maybe it was...just...something to do when we couldn't find anything to say. I realize now that I probably gave my kisses away to the wrong person...
:-/Was I not warned by Abby about this? Yes I was...did I listen to her...No I didn't. Should I have? Most definitely. You were right. I was wrong, and now I can never take them back. Stupid me. Stupid Vanessa. Grrrrr I could smack myself.
I packed up his band jacket, t-shirt, and blanket yesterday morning. (Thursday) They are in a box ready to mail to him. I'm working on a letter to him, because I don't want to leave strings hanging. I hope he understands why, and I hope he stops being angry with me. He scared me the night we broke up. I have never even seen him relatively upset, and he sounded like he could have strangled me he was so mad. That makes me glad I chose to talk over the phone instead of in person. I know...that's really being a chicken, but driving 3 hours to break up with someone and 3 hours home is a bit much. He told me to throw away everything but his jacket...I am sending him back his shirt and blanket because those are his, and he can do what he wants with them. The ring…oh wow… Well, he said keep or throw it away…I am going to keep it, but it will be put away where I can’t find it. I did that with all the other stuff that reminds me of him…pictures, letters, dried flowers, the bunny he bought me, graduation notices, poems…they are all in a shoebox which I will have my mom hide somewhere and I can’t have it unless I ask her for it. Why keep the stuff around to remind me of something that makes me sad? *waits for person's response* Me either.
I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning...He called to ask me a question, and then upon my response, he said, “Ok, I still want to be friends. Have a good day” and hung up. I have been in dread every time the phone has rang since then, but it's been people checking on me, seeing if I'm doing alright. Abby even called me Wednesday night from IOWA to talk to me. How sweet huh? I can’t for the life of me get a hold of Annie to tell her, so she can’t get mad at me if she doesn’t find out soon. She’s either at work or out with Jarod. *sigh* I have a feeling that friendship is faltering fast. Ooh cool…I made and alliteration…feeling, friendship, faltering, fast….haha…*is easily amused*
Anyway, sorry for the detail in the last entry. I know a few of you out there really don’t want to hear about feminine issues. My bad…
That stupid song “Me and You” by Kenny Chesney is stuck in my head… You know…this one…
Ordinary no, really don't think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you
Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
Where every dream comes true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you
Every day, I need you even more
At the nighttime too
There's no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to
Every day I live
I try my best to give
All I have to you
I thank the stars above
That we share this love
Me and you
Every day, I need you even more
At the nighttime too
There's no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to
Ordinary no, I really don't think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you
That was a song I often listened to when I thought about him. It’s one of my favorite love songs…*sigh*Guess I need to hide that one too.
I'm moving on...slowly...My heart is starting to heal up. I'm feeling better each day. Wednesday night...I was up till 3:45 AM worrying if something bad was going to happen with him...His level of anger was seriously a lot higher than I thought it could ever go...and I feared...well...I won't even bring myself to say it. I want to talk to him, but maybe its best not to. Space is needed...healing is needed. Friendship needs rekindling...Looks like I've got my work cut out for me.
I’m not going to let myself get into another serious relationship until I’m out of high school. It’s way too much work and way too much stress to deal with. All people in favor shout AYE!!!
Well, that’s the story of my life right now. Any questions, comments, or concerns…you know what to do.
Love,
Vanessa
The more I think about our relationship that we had...the more I'm discovering about it that I never knew. Why is it that we kissed so much? Was it because that was both of our first real experience like that, and it was an addiction, not a symbol? Was our physical involvement nothing more than childish teenage hormones run wild once we realized that both of us wanted it and could have it when the other agreed? Maybe it was...just...something to do when we couldn't find anything to say. I realize now that I probably gave my kisses away to the wrong person...
:-/Was I not warned by Abby about this? Yes I was...did I listen to her...No I didn't. Should I have? Most definitely. You were right. I was wrong, and now I can never take them back. Stupid me. Stupid Vanessa. Grrrrr I could smack myself.
I packed up his band jacket, t-shirt, and blanket yesterday morning. (Thursday) They are in a box ready to mail to him. I'm working on a letter to him, because I don't want to leave strings hanging. I hope he understands why, and I hope he stops being angry with me. He scared me the night we broke up. I have never even seen him relatively upset, and he sounded like he could have strangled me he was so mad. That makes me glad I chose to talk over the phone instead of in person. I know...that's really being a chicken, but driving 3 hours to break up with someone and 3 hours home is a bit much. He told me to throw away everything but his jacket...I am sending him back his shirt and blanket because those are his, and he can do what he wants with them. The ring…oh wow… Well, he said keep or throw it away…I am going to keep it, but it will be put away where I can’t find it. I did that with all the other stuff that reminds me of him…pictures, letters, dried flowers, the bunny he bought me, graduation notices, poems…they are all in a shoebox which I will have my mom hide somewhere and I can’t have it unless I ask her for it. Why keep the stuff around to remind me of something that makes me sad? *waits for person's response* Me either.
I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning...He called to ask me a question, and then upon my response, he said, “Ok, I still want to be friends. Have a good day” and hung up. I have been in dread every time the phone has rang since then, but it's been people checking on me, seeing if I'm doing alright. Abby even called me Wednesday night from IOWA to talk to me. How sweet huh? I can’t for the life of me get a hold of Annie to tell her, so she can’t get mad at me if she doesn’t find out soon. She’s either at work or out with Jarod. *sigh* I have a feeling that friendship is faltering fast. Ooh cool…I made and alliteration…feeling, friendship, faltering, fast….haha…*is easily amused*
Anyway, sorry for the detail in the last entry. I know a few of you out there really don’t want to hear about feminine issues. My bad…
That stupid song “Me and You” by Kenny Chesney is stuck in my head… You know…this one…
Ordinary no, really don't think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you
Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
Where every dream comes true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you
Every day, I need you even more
At the nighttime too
There's no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to
Every day I live
I try my best to give
All I have to you
I thank the stars above
That we share this love
Me and you
Every day, I need you even more
At the nighttime too
There's no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to
Ordinary no, I really don't think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you
That was a song I often listened to when I thought about him. It’s one of my favorite love songs…*sigh*Guess I need to hide that one too.
I'm moving on...slowly...My heart is starting to heal up. I'm feeling better each day. Wednesday night...I was up till 3:45 AM worrying if something bad was going to happen with him...His level of anger was seriously a lot higher than I thought it could ever go...and I feared...well...I won't even bring myself to say it. I want to talk to him, but maybe its best not to. Space is needed...healing is needed. Friendship needs rekindling...Looks like I've got my work cut out for me.
I’m not going to let myself get into another serious relationship until I’m out of high school. It’s way too much work and way too much stress to deal with. All people in favor shout AYE!!!
Well, that’s the story of my life right now. Any questions, comments, or concerns…you know what to do.
Love,
Vanessa