Oct 16, 2006 11:13
I would have to say, that I am totally worthless and unneeded here about 96% of the time.
Back home, the things I did and the people I associated with gave more then enough self worth.
Of course, my total and complete self worth is not based around the feelings I get from others about myself.
But being on a deployment, it's vital that being away from home is worth it. I'm not saying that any type of feeling would have ever made me agree with this war, not sure that much will change my opinion about that at this point...In the end, you are like, "ok, I'm here, now at least make make my time here worthwhile". I don't want praise or anything like that, I just need to know that I'm more then a number, just a body here. So I'm swimming through all this bullshit, this freaking war, and it seems that I could be anyone, it doesn't matter who I am, I'm just here because I'm a filler, just here to be thrown into the gaps, and I hate that more then anything, because I've worked so hard to make sure my life is more then that, that I do things that matter for the bettermant of my community, my relationships, my soul. This place has torn so much of that away from me, reduced me to nothing yet again. And I'm not saying the type of "nothing" as far as peoples perception of me goes, I mean the type of nothing where you are not a benefit or asset to your community and world. That was the kind of nothing I was for so much of my life, that was the kind of nothing I spent so much work and prayer into changing. Of course I know that my employers know that I still care about coming back and getting back to work, and of course my friends and family still love me, still can't wait for me to get home. But it's hard, you know? when you've tryed so hard to put your faith, hopes and what you've learned into action, actually acting upon it, and having all that taken away, and not replaced with some better, or closer to where you should be, but far away from all that meant anything to you, that let you know that you were no only alive, but alive and LIVING, really engaged in an active life of concsoius persuit of God, and knowledge, and your potential as a human being.