And she swears there's nothing wrong....
Today was a really bad day. I felt like i was gonna puke all yesterday and then this morning i woke up with a huge pain in my stomach and went to school because I had some quizzes and stuff. I saw a picture of my grandpa yesterday, my sister is putting all of our pictures into photo albums. Before he was sick. I really forgot what he looked like when he was well. He always bought the same shoes, wore the same pants with a long sleeved shirt and suspenders. He was my grandpa. Part of me. Gone. I never really understood all the pain that you go through when you lose someone until he (and natalie) died. Sure there were plenty of people in my life who had died but I was too young to experience the full effect. I can remember the day Jeff died like it was yesterday, came across his "In rememberance of" thing today. June 7, 1996. He was my dads best friend. Very very very good family friend. I could tell you so many great stories about him. All those times up north. Now all thats left there are his ashes.
Bus rides suck. I couldnt stop crying on the bus. How pathetic is that. Sometimes I think "god jess you're so stupid it happened 4 months ago and you're still crying" I cant help it. and everytime i write about it I feel wrong as if it looks like i'm looking for sympathy. I didnt have the persons shoulder to cry on. I went to school the next day and just made it through. I wish every damn day that I had that one person to cry to. And now my Aunt has lung cancer and was given 6 months to live and right now has about 5. I hate to see people dying from cancer it's the worst way to die I think. All that suffering. And that day that they find a cure I will be really happy but also pissed off. Pissed off that they couldnt find one sooner to fucking save everyone I've ever known who died with cancer. Even my aunt who hopefully hers is all gone now but wont know for a few more months. One day I will donate a lot of money to cancer research. I'm just scared that I will get it too and die just like that. I'll become my greatest fear.
At christmas, my dad was sitting by my grandpa and my grandpa says to him, "Dave I don't want to do chemo anymore. I'm almost 75 years old. I would rather live a month of "quality" then one month of hell." Either way I think he got the month of hell. 5 morphine patches and morpine shots every hour can't be quality. Seeing family there everyday doing nothing but crying over what has become and what will become is hell. Hell for you and for your family.
Bus rides suck. I couldnt stop crying on the bus. How pathetic is that. Sometimes I think "god jess you're so stupid it happened 4 months ago and you're still crying" I cant help it. and everytime i write about it I feel wrong as if it looks like i'm looking for sympathy. I didnt have the persons shoulder to cry on. I went to school the next day and just made it through. I wish every damn day that I had that one person to cry to. And now my Aunt has lung cancer and was given 6 months to live and right now has about 5. I hate to see people dying from cancer it's the worst way to die I think. All that suffering. And that day that they find a cure I will be really happy but also pissed off. Pissed off that they couldnt find one sooner to fucking save everyone I've ever known who died with cancer. Even my aunt who hopefully hers is all gone now but wont know for a few more months. One day I will donate a lot of money to cancer research. I'm just scared that I will get it too and die just like that. I'll become my greatest fear.
At christmas, my dad was sitting by my grandpa and my grandpa says to him, "Dave I don't want to do chemo anymore. I'm almost 75 years old. I would rather live a month of "quality" then one month of hell." Either way I think he got the month of hell. 5 morphine patches and morpine shots every hour can't be quality. Seeing family there everyday doing nothing but crying over what has become and what will become is hell. Hell for you and for your family.