and i fell in love with the night
well, i didn't hang out with anybody tonight.
at first i was like, "piss." but then i got ideas of what to do.
the best night of my life goes as follows:
.x. went to books a million and found a really good novel.
i bought it. crooked. it is so good.
.x. started reading the book at carliana's coffee shop. alone, but that just meant i could eat whatever i want and not feel like a pig. so i spent $10.70 on a muddy mocha and a piece of cake<3. plus a $2 tip. best money i've spent in a long time.
.x. drove all over lexington, just the backroads, playing avril as loud as i could and shouting along. because i could, and nobody would have to hear my caterwauling.
.x. got a full tank of gas, and i drove ALL OVER the outskirts of lexington, this time playing brand new.
.x. fell in love. with brand new.
.x. went to a gas station cuz i had to pee. seriously considered buying a condom to freak my mom out. bought a keychain instead. it makes me happy.
.x. did 75 on the road with no speed limit.
.x. went to a new neighborhood that no one lives in yet. really dark. pulled into a cul de sac, turned off my lights, and got out of my car. leaned against my car and just stared at the stars for a few minutes. the vast darkness consumed me. made me feel so small. so i got back in my car and drove around some more.
.x. let the thoughts pour out of my head. it was amazing. it's so weird, like they werent pacing back and forth in my brain anymore. they just cascaded out of my head, down my shoulders, through my legs and into the gas pedal. my mind is clear now.
.x. finally surrendered and went home.
i felt so...
independent
strong
beautiful. i havent felt beautiful in such a long time.
and i discovered why i've been so miserable lately:
i'm meant to be alone.
not in a hermit type way.
just in a i-desperately-need-to-have-alone-time-often sort of way.
i'm not a follower.
i'm not a leader.
i just do my own thing.
and that's that.
i have never felt so alive.
i want to do this every night.
i dont expect you to read all of this.
but i love you anyways.
<3
*edit*
i found a pic of myself from january.
i've changed so much. ok goodnight for real now.
at first i was like, "piss." but then i got ideas of what to do.
the best night of my life goes as follows:
.x. went to books a million and found a really good novel.
i bought it. crooked. it is so good.
.x. started reading the book at carliana's coffee shop. alone, but that just meant i could eat whatever i want and not feel like a pig. so i spent $10.70 on a muddy mocha and a piece of cake<3. plus a $2 tip. best money i've spent in a long time.
.x. drove all over lexington, just the backroads, playing avril as loud as i could and shouting along. because i could, and nobody would have to hear my caterwauling.
.x. got a full tank of gas, and i drove ALL OVER the outskirts of lexington, this time playing brand new.
.x. fell in love. with brand new.
.x. went to a gas station cuz i had to pee. seriously considered buying a condom to freak my mom out. bought a keychain instead. it makes me happy.
.x. did 75 on the road with no speed limit.
.x. went to a new neighborhood that no one lives in yet. really dark. pulled into a cul de sac, turned off my lights, and got out of my car. leaned against my car and just stared at the stars for a few minutes. the vast darkness consumed me. made me feel so small. so i got back in my car and drove around some more.
.x. let the thoughts pour out of my head. it was amazing. it's so weird, like they werent pacing back and forth in my brain anymore. they just cascaded out of my head, down my shoulders, through my legs and into the gas pedal. my mind is clear now.
.x. finally surrendered and went home.
i felt so...
independent
strong
beautiful. i havent felt beautiful in such a long time.
and i discovered why i've been so miserable lately:
i'm meant to be alone.
not in a hermit type way.
just in a i-desperately-need-to-have-alone-time-often sort of way.
i'm not a follower.
i'm not a leader.
i just do my own thing.
and that's that.
i have never felt so alive.
i want to do this every night.
i dont expect you to read all of this.
but i love you anyways.
<3
*edit*
i found a pic of myself from january.
i've changed so much. ok goodnight for real now.