(no subject)
this boy joseph holds my heart at its strings. to be really really honest, after trying long distance i never thought i'd find the significance to risk my hope in hundreds of miles apart. and this shit is hard. i miss baby on a daily, hourly basis. every minute that passes is one that i haven't spent with my boy, by his side, holding his hand. waiting for joseph to come visit was the longest three week ordeal; but i spent so much indulging in his forthcoming precense that i forgot what it would be like for him to leave and return to not-so-windy california. the countdown starts all over again, except we've got another week and a half piled in addition. we have exactly one day less than a month before i fly into sfo with rupert in hand, polaroids in pocket, excitement skimming my cheeks, my teeth biting my lips in anticipation.
but, i wouldn't have it any other way.
i remember a few weeks into this, when meaning was present but neither of us knew how much. and he held me outside after work and told me that if i fuck up when i'm away, it's okey because i am a human being and human beings are bred to make mistakes, to get fucked up and make bad decisions. he told me that as long as i always come home to him, that he's the only boy i have in california on my vacations, that's all he could ask for. he admitted he might find a way into other girls' hearts but it wouldn't ever mean anything for him. we would wait for each other without really ever waiting.
and a week or two rolled on by and i realized that i was going to be faithful to him, that it would be dreadful and difficult but if he only asked, it would be a thousand times easier. shortly thereafter i was napping in my san francisco house at midnight when joseph wouldn't stop calling me, crying because i wouldn't pick up. he's sorry, he's drunk, he knows he told me i could see other people but he doesn't want me to, he wants me to be faithful to him and he wants me to prove to him somehow, he wanted me to get his tattoo and i said i would if that's what it would take for him to believe me. sober-minded, he refuses to let me get ink too fast; "we'll see" "maybe" and i'm patiently waiting for when he thinks it's the right time because i trust his judgment, i trust his ability to tell me no.
in the end, it's not the fidelity that i'm weakened by every day, it's just this fucking distance. without even thinking, i would never touch another boy, let a boy get too close, or even let a boy think there was anything more than platonic words between us. the first couple times i got drunk here in evanston, he begged me to tell him that i had been faithful that night and i promised that i had been because it was being faithful to joseph was, is second-nature. but even alcoholism lost its flair. the occasional high with alex or blaise got old and i spent these last two weeks sipping mixed drinks while entertaining guests with my handle rather than consuming it for myself.
this past weekend, i was probably the most incapacitated i had been exempt from that night i ate geem and rice on luke and eric's dorm carpet and eric didn't trust me enough to make the less-than-one-minute walk back home without dying first. but it's this safety that i feel with joseph. i can choose to get fucked up and his less than 2114 mile distance is more than enough to make me feel solid. i still rest assured that i can get along by myself if i were alone because that's just what happens. i get home by myself and i lay in bed with a trash can next to the mattress for security but i've never once used it. when i need to regurgitate, i excuse myself for the bathroom and my aim is impeccable - i've never vomited anywhere other than a toliet bowl.
baby left most of his clothes here when he went back home. my hamper is filled with wrinkled white vnecks, boxers and socks. he left sweaters and his flip flops, his near-empty bottle of cologne and i found myself today bringing my nostrils a little bit closer just to feel like we were in proximity.
a few weeks after we started seeing each other daily, back in august, he gave me a pair of diamond earrings, set in white gold. they haven't left my ears since, except to be cleaned or once or twice when i went to shower. but thursday afternoon, i realized that one had gone missing and i felt awful not because they were diamonds but because they were a gift from joseph. because he picked them out for me and fit them into my earlobes after he snuck into my house. he replaced the other lobe with a princess cut diamond stud that he left on his jacket -- a remnant when he last lost one of the pair he had months and months ago. i've left the three-studded earring in my ear and i cringed a little tonight while i was brushing my teeth because they were really pretty and i've grown quite fond of them. now i have utterly unmatched jewelry in all 8 holes i have in my body.
on the other hand, i've realized that my new favorite hobby in cashing cigarettes while walking to class or posting outside my dorm is out of loneliness without my boy. don't get me wrong, i'll have my casual cigarette with or without joseph if somebody offers but it's never been like this: finishing packs in two days, having two at a time or having to slip outside my dorm room in sweaters and jackets to have a quick stoge. when joseph was here, i smoked because he smoked, not because i needed one, but the moment i got off the train back from dropping him off at the airport, i rushed to cvs and lit my camel crush before i even got off the block, shaking from his absence.
i remember one night when we on the phone, whispering so my mom wouldn't hear me from downstairs. and he was upset because he opted to use his savings to help his family out. but why? it's in your savings anyways, you wouldn't have touched that, and you're helping your family out, you're being the better person despite everything that's happened. and he told me it's because he planned on moving to chicago with me next year. i stopped telling people because i sense disbelief when i talk about my boy. i don't need their words of discouragement because this is between me and joseph. and it was in this moment that these nine months seemed so insignificant to the time that we'll have together.
this past weekened was probably a mindfuck for all the people i spend my time with. my incessant jabbering about my boy, about how i miss him, how he's so far away. they're constantly wondering why i'm putting myself through a long distance relationship and i shake my head and tell them that he's the one, he's my one. reactions got old and i kept it all to myself. but seeing him with me, i feel like they understand where i'm coming from. why i feel this sense of security with him. why i trust him and why our love surpasses this distance. it's hard, but in all honesty, it's doable, it's possible, we are capable of this together and it's just a matter of time until i'm back in california for summer days that i'll spend counting down the hours until i get off work and return home to my boy.