(no subject)
I've been doing a ridiculous amount of soul searching lately and it's been good for me. Apparently, I like myself a lot more than I realized. That's amazing to me.
But one of the things I realized was this.
I've been depressed lately because I have nobody I can call at any time to just...hang out. I don't have any friends that are exclusively mine.
Well, that't not true. I wasn't depressed because I had no friends. I had no friends because I pushed them all away as a symptom of my depression.
And the ones I kept close were not the right ones at all.
I spent most of yesterday painting an apartment of a friend who just left her husband of 14 years. They've been together almost 19 years. She was talking about how they didn't fall in love - they just both needed someone at the same time and they found each other then. So they fell into a pattern of want and need and that's not a healthy relationship.
She finally left because after all that time, she finally realized she didn't NEED him and after that was gone...she didn't want to be around him anymore.
Sans the very last part, it sounded a lot like my relationship with Greg. We started talking the day my dad was rushed into the hospital with very severe internal bleeding, a month after his heart attack and the death of my older brother. I NEEDED him.
I don't need him anymore.
I'd love for us to have a healthy friendship someday, but I can finally realize I don't think it's going to happen. I know I've said this before, but this time...this time, I finally think I'm strong enough to stay away.
Secondly, it made me realize I fell in love with Andy for all the right reasons. At the point that we started dating, I didn't need anything. I was content with who I was because I didn't care what anyone thought. He brought me back to reality and made me realize that it was okay to respect people's opinions of me, as long as those opinions didn't become my opinions of myself.
He can make me feel beautiful, smart, funny, sexy and loved with one look. He doesn't try to hold me back. He pushes me to become all I can be, but not more than I want to be. He wants the best for me.
And I want the best for him.
This took a lot for me to realize.
But I'm glad I did.
I started taking Lexapro again. It's an anti-anxiety medication. I was having AWFUL panic attacks for months and I just accepted it as something I'd have to get used to. It wasn't. I left GAD untreated for far too long.
It hasn't even been a week and I feel volumes better than I have in a long time. No more panic. Still a lot of worry, of course. I mean, I know I'm not out of the woods yet. But I can't tell you how much more logical the worry is.
I feel like me again. And I've got Andy by my side helping me the whole time, and that makes me feel even better. I DO have people that love and appreciate me....I just have to keep loving and appreciating myself.
I didn't mean to, but I've gone almost a week without caffeine. Yeah. Me.
I think I can do this.
I know I need to do this to be happy with who I am. I'm already happier with who I am.
Yes, the thought that I could lose Andy was a major catalyst in this.
But it wasn't the only reason.
I'm ready to be alive again.
But one of the things I realized was this.
I've been depressed lately because I have nobody I can call at any time to just...hang out. I don't have any friends that are exclusively mine.
Well, that't not true. I wasn't depressed because I had no friends. I had no friends because I pushed them all away as a symptom of my depression.
And the ones I kept close were not the right ones at all.
I spent most of yesterday painting an apartment of a friend who just left her husband of 14 years. They've been together almost 19 years. She was talking about how they didn't fall in love - they just both needed someone at the same time and they found each other then. So they fell into a pattern of want and need and that's not a healthy relationship.
She finally left because after all that time, she finally realized she didn't NEED him and after that was gone...she didn't want to be around him anymore.
Sans the very last part, it sounded a lot like my relationship with Greg. We started talking the day my dad was rushed into the hospital with very severe internal bleeding, a month after his heart attack and the death of my older brother. I NEEDED him.
I don't need him anymore.
I'd love for us to have a healthy friendship someday, but I can finally realize I don't think it's going to happen. I know I've said this before, but this time...this time, I finally think I'm strong enough to stay away.
Secondly, it made me realize I fell in love with Andy for all the right reasons. At the point that we started dating, I didn't need anything. I was content with who I was because I didn't care what anyone thought. He brought me back to reality and made me realize that it was okay to respect people's opinions of me, as long as those opinions didn't become my opinions of myself.
He can make me feel beautiful, smart, funny, sexy and loved with one look. He doesn't try to hold me back. He pushes me to become all I can be, but not more than I want to be. He wants the best for me.
And I want the best for him.
This took a lot for me to realize.
But I'm glad I did.
I started taking Lexapro again. It's an anti-anxiety medication. I was having AWFUL panic attacks for months and I just accepted it as something I'd have to get used to. It wasn't. I left GAD untreated for far too long.
It hasn't even been a week and I feel volumes better than I have in a long time. No more panic. Still a lot of worry, of course. I mean, I know I'm not out of the woods yet. But I can't tell you how much more logical the worry is.
I feel like me again. And I've got Andy by my side helping me the whole time, and that makes me feel even better. I DO have people that love and appreciate me....I just have to keep loving and appreciating myself.
I didn't mean to, but I've gone almost a week without caffeine. Yeah. Me.
I think I can do this.
I know I need to do this to be happy with who I am. I'm already happier with who I am.
Yes, the thought that I could lose Andy was a major catalyst in this.
But it wasn't the only reason.
I'm ready to be alive again.