(no subject)
"Cause I don't know how to feel, maybe you should stay a mystery. I know you as well as anyone else. . . Careful now, you'll hurt yourself. Careful now you'll hurt someone else"
Tao and rolling balls has gotten me closer to Jihan. It has bonded us more then before and there's just so much I want to say but I don't know where to start, I guess I'll just have to write in bullets. I don't know, but I'll give this a try.
- Tao was the fucking lamest shit possible because I couldn't find my friends but Jihan made it the best for me. There were so many stupid kids pushing and shoving and I almost died... literally.
- Jake was at Tao and he took one too many pills.
- I think I still care and love for him deeply, I just don't want to be with him and I can't let him go.
- I feel like Jake could be the guy I'm content with for the rest of my life
- Jihan on the other hand took really good care of me the whole night and even got Jake an extra pill.
- The thing about Jihan is that I think he's just genuinely like that to everyone, he cares about all his friends but to be honest, it doesn't make me feel special. I don't know, and with Jake... he only cares about me and he could pretty much ignore everything else.
- Jihan didn't mean it this way but he said that maybe one day he could get annoyed of me... and I cried
- the thing is, I noticed everytime I meet a guy I always end up getting hurt... it goes something like this:
1. They like me and I'm thinking if I like them back or not. Usually, I start liking someone because they like me or I start liking them because they have this hero complex and I love that.
2. So usually in the beginning I'm one of those girls that likes to distant myself because I don't want to get hurt and I'll start pushing myself back but when the guy realizes they start wanting me around more. I don't know why but I always wanted to start a relationship healthy. Apparently, that's never going to happen.
3. So we are in a relationship and we hang out like almost everyday
4. and after let's just say half a year or so the guy gets tired and bored and annoyed or what not and we start having problems, but my this time I'm in love and I've opened up myself for this person. I let them in my world and once I let someone in my life I can't let them go. It's like my friends... it's just so hard.
5. We break up because they don't know what they want and a few months later they always end up calling me or coming back... it has happened in every relationship.
My conclusion is this... I think the guys I'm with are still young, no one really knows what they want yet. Everyone still has this notion that they don't know what else is out there. You're with someone for 2 or 3 years and one day you realize that you haven't experienced anything yet. I'm trying to have a bit of faith in Jihan but if we ever break up I hope it's not because of these reasons. I don'e expect to be with him forever, I even thought that I would give myself a break until I'm actually ready for marriage but he came along and we can't help who we like? I think maybe this will be good because I'm not his first girlfriend and he's actually been out there. I really don't know, but after last night... it makes me want to distant myself from him more. Isaac said something to me that made a lot of sense, "I have to keep you interested." I know it's a mind fuck game but to be honest, I'm slowly believing that relationships are pretty much all game. I don't know, I'm still debating on that.
- I hate that I chose Jihan over Jake because I would give up my life for Jake. I hope he knows that, I hope he knows that no matter where or what he's doing I'll always be there for him
- At Tao I just wanted to hug him and take away the pain he's feeling.
- I fell asleep on Jihan's shoulder and I sat in between Jake and Jihan... I was so tired and it was so awkward.
- I'm going to plan on not sleeping over at Jihan's place from Mondays through Wed.
- I'm not going to let myself fall this time. I'm really not.
I can't think of anything else. If he ever read this I will die.
Tao and rolling balls has gotten me closer to Jihan. It has bonded us more then before and there's just so much I want to say but I don't know where to start, I guess I'll just have to write in bullets. I don't know, but I'll give this a try.
- Tao was the fucking lamest shit possible because I couldn't find my friends but Jihan made it the best for me. There were so many stupid kids pushing and shoving and I almost died... literally.
- Jake was at Tao and he took one too many pills.
- I think I still care and love for him deeply, I just don't want to be with him and I can't let him go.
- I feel like Jake could be the guy I'm content with for the rest of my life
- Jihan on the other hand took really good care of me the whole night and even got Jake an extra pill.
- The thing about Jihan is that I think he's just genuinely like that to everyone, he cares about all his friends but to be honest, it doesn't make me feel special. I don't know, and with Jake... he only cares about me and he could pretty much ignore everything else.
- Jihan didn't mean it this way but he said that maybe one day he could get annoyed of me... and I cried
- the thing is, I noticed everytime I meet a guy I always end up getting hurt... it goes something like this:
1. They like me and I'm thinking if I like them back or not. Usually, I start liking someone because they like me or I start liking them because they have this hero complex and I love that.
2. So usually in the beginning I'm one of those girls that likes to distant myself because I don't want to get hurt and I'll start pushing myself back but when the guy realizes they start wanting me around more. I don't know why but I always wanted to start a relationship healthy. Apparently, that's never going to happen.
3. So we are in a relationship and we hang out like almost everyday
4. and after let's just say half a year or so the guy gets tired and bored and annoyed or what not and we start having problems, but my this time I'm in love and I've opened up myself for this person. I let them in my world and once I let someone in my life I can't let them go. It's like my friends... it's just so hard.
5. We break up because they don't know what they want and a few months later they always end up calling me or coming back... it has happened in every relationship.
My conclusion is this... I think the guys I'm with are still young, no one really knows what they want yet. Everyone still has this notion that they don't know what else is out there. You're with someone for 2 or 3 years and one day you realize that you haven't experienced anything yet. I'm trying to have a bit of faith in Jihan but if we ever break up I hope it's not because of these reasons. I don'e expect to be with him forever, I even thought that I would give myself a break until I'm actually ready for marriage but he came along and we can't help who we like? I think maybe this will be good because I'm not his first girlfriend and he's actually been out there. I really don't know, but after last night... it makes me want to distant myself from him more. Isaac said something to me that made a lot of sense, "I have to keep you interested." I know it's a mind fuck game but to be honest, I'm slowly believing that relationships are pretty much all game. I don't know, I'm still debating on that.
- I hate that I chose Jihan over Jake because I would give up my life for Jake. I hope he knows that, I hope he knows that no matter where or what he's doing I'll always be there for him
- At Tao I just wanted to hug him and take away the pain he's feeling.
- I fell asleep on Jihan's shoulder and I sat in between Jake and Jihan... I was so tired and it was so awkward.
- I'm going to plan on not sleeping over at Jihan's place from Mondays through Wed.
- I'm not going to let myself fall this time. I'm really not.
I can't think of anything else. If he ever read this I will die.