stupid holidays
my sister is home and boy is it annoying. she is so skinny and always talking about working out and how skinny she is and blah blah blah. stupid bitch, she is so mean to me sometimes i want to spit in her hair.
anyhow, i think i'm going out with tamara tomorrow night which should be fun. i feel so fat, i dunno i got weighed at my dr.'s appointment yesterday..it wasn't bad but its like i feel like my body expanding everywhere especially my stomach.. i hate my stomach.. most of the time i look freakin preggo.
my treatment options are nil at this point which is what my dr. confirmed yesterday...i've used all my resources in calgary my only option is to pay for treatment..in canada or the u.s. the waiting list to see an ED psychiatrist is one year long. tamara has been on it for 6 months.. its so depressing. i dunno what to do anymore, i'm really sad, its just another person confirming my own thoughts and what i knew. i knew my dr. wouldn't be able to say she had good news, but its just another blow to the self esteem.
i dont want to see a regular psychiatrist or therapist, i know it won't help, people its something better than nothing, i don't see that... i see me going there and fucking around and then paying to do that.. once or twice a week doesn't cut it, not for me...i'm too far gone. which is fine, but i really dont want to be ED'ed for the rest of my life,, at one point i always said i didn't care well now i do.. its so tiring and exhausting i dont want to live like this.. but i have no motivation or any will to do anything about it right now..so thats where i'm at.
this world sucks, i hate my life, i'm depressed..i'm basically living to die.
anyhow, i think i'm going out with tamara tomorrow night which should be fun. i feel so fat, i dunno i got weighed at my dr.'s appointment yesterday..it wasn't bad but its like i feel like my body expanding everywhere especially my stomach.. i hate my stomach.. most of the time i look freakin preggo.
my treatment options are nil at this point which is what my dr. confirmed yesterday...i've used all my resources in calgary my only option is to pay for treatment..in canada or the u.s. the waiting list to see an ED psychiatrist is one year long. tamara has been on it for 6 months.. its so depressing. i dunno what to do anymore, i'm really sad, its just another person confirming my own thoughts and what i knew. i knew my dr. wouldn't be able to say she had good news, but its just another blow to the self esteem.
i dont want to see a regular psychiatrist or therapist, i know it won't help, people its something better than nothing, i don't see that... i see me going there and fucking around and then paying to do that.. once or twice a week doesn't cut it, not for me...i'm too far gone. which is fine, but i really dont want to be ED'ed for the rest of my life,, at one point i always said i didn't care well now i do.. its so tiring and exhausting i dont want to live like this.. but i have no motivation or any will to do anything about it right now..so thats where i'm at.
this world sucks, i hate my life, i'm depressed..i'm basically living to die.