holy shit i did it again!
Title: Watching over me
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji and Joel…
Genre: Psycho Joel (ha I do that to often)
Summary: At first I was ok with it. We had been giving each other little kisses on the cheek for years, since we were kids, most people thought it was cute “oh look at the twins kiss… they’re so cute,” but what’s cute for 6 year olds is creepy when you’re 24. His little kiss on the forehead got longer, till one night he leaned down and kissed my lips
Thanks to meggy for making me get back into writing…
Joel was always there for me. When we were kids it was little things like letting me sleep in his bed when the lighting flashed outside our window drove me to shaking in the corner. Or giving me a scoop of his ice cream when mine looked smaller then his. I know we’re twins so we’re not technically older or younger then one another but I think he always felt like he had to look out for me. Maybe it was because I was always the one getting in trouble or at least that what everyone joked, but I don’t think that was it. I think he was afraid of losing me, that one day I would grow up and leave him. He knew I could never leave if I always needed him to pick up the pieces and put me back together.
As we got older if got a little more serious then ice cream. He would give me his home work when I forgot it, and eventually I just stopped doing it-knowing he would just give me his. If I had a test I didn’t study for he would pull my hoodie over his head, throw up the hood and walk into my class signing the top of the test “Benjamin Madden.” He did it all without me ever asking.
I remember this one time I was out after curfew-again. I crawled in the window of our small room; eyes blood shot and barely able to stand for all the drugs and alcohol in my system. He helped me into bed and pulled the covers up around me tucking me in. I recall my dads voice yelling up the stairs for me to “get the fuck down there,” and trying to get up to met the request. He just lightly laid me back down pick up my hoodie and went down stairs to meet my fate. I didn’t see him again that night, I must have passed out before he got back up the stairs but when my eyes opened in the morning I gasped at the sight of him. His jaw was bruised and turning a sickening shade of purple, and his lips was cut and look as though it was bleeding the night before.
I asked him what happened. And you know what he did? He picked up my hoodie from his bed and lightly tossed it at me and with a sly smile and a hint of sarcasm in his voice he answered “Dad says not to smoke anymore.” And with that he was gone. I don’t know why he did it, I mean I would never take that bad of a beating for anyone, but he did; he did it for me. I saw him differently after that I was proud to be his brother.
Sometimes he went over board, I would come home with a girl and he would freak. Like this one time I picked up this blond chick at a bar, you know low top, thong coming out of the top her pants, and jeans that left nothing to your imagination. She was the kind of girl you used for a quick fuck nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t gonna marry her, I just wanted a fuck-I do have a libido. We walked in the door; well walked is a bad word, stumbled maybe, and he freaked. He pulled her away from me and told her to the get the fuck out. She yelled asking who the fuck he was and he just pushed her out the door. I started screaming at him, asking him why he did that, he just told me I deserved better. I was so fucking mad at him I hadn’t had a good fuck in weeks, I ran to my room throwing the door shut. I mean why in fuck he did that, I wasn’t going to marry her I was going to fuck her, she was a slut it wasn’t a matter of deserving someone. It was like he wanted me all to himself. But I wasn’t going to be all his forever. Even if that’s what I think he wanted out of our relationship.
I was never really scared of Joel. I mean he would never hurt me, from what I had seen through the years he would get himself hurt before letting someone hurt me. It’s just, he went over board sometimes, like with the blonde chick, just stuff like that. He started sleeping in my bed more often, when nothing was wrong like he just wanted to be there. Once I even told him “it’s okay I can sleep alone tonight.”
He ran a hand through my hair and looking into my eyes “what if something happens. I wanna be here in case something happens.” At that point I knew it was pointless to fight him he was gonna sleep in my bed whether I wanted him too or not it was just he way Joel was. Nothing could get near me unless he wanted it to. My opinions on my self didn’t matter anymore; it was Joel’s that mattered. What I wanted meant nothing if Joel could make up some half witted excuse on why it wasn’t good for me, then I wasn’t doing it.
It all started with a good night kiss. Our fucked up relationship getting more fucked as he would lean in kissing my forehead every night whispering “sweet dreams” or “goodnight baby.” At first I was ok with it. We had been giving each other little kisses on the cheek for years, since we were kids, most people thought it was cute “oh look at the twins kiss… they’re so cute,” but what’s cute for 6 year olds is creepy when you’re 24. His little kiss on the forehead got longer, till one night he leaned down and kissed my lips soft whispers of “goodnight” gracing his lips. “Goodnights” turned to “I love you’s” and my discomfort with everything grew. As his words got sweeter his kisses got longer, sometimes with a hand on the back of my head so I couldn’t pull away, once I could have sworn I felt him getting off on it. You know what I mean, getting off on kissing me, that’s just wrong. Now I know what your thinking, just tell him no, make him stop, don’t let him kiss you. It’s not that easy. I love my brother, but that’s all. My brother… brother being the key word, but he felt more. I could tell, it was a twin thing, I guess. Perhaps it was just the way he looked at me, like I was all he could see, and all he wanted. I couldn’t break his heart, so I continued to act oblivious to it all, not encouraging but not really pushing him away, not matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t hurt him.
It went on like that for a few months, nothing changing much till one night. By this point Good Charlotte had kicked off and we were doing pretty well. The bus pulled into a parking lot behind some hotel that we were going to be spending the night at. They handed out the keys and of course I was rooming with Joel, just my luck right. A few times I had tried to room with Billy but Joel would just act upset and all that shit and everyone would bother me to go with him and I would.
So we’re in the room and I’m in the shower not really paying attention, in fact I think I was singing rancid or something, like completely out of it. I heard him getting undressed-- like the click of a belt buckle, the slide of a zipper, the sound of the belt hitting the floor, and the ruffling of a shirt getting pulled over someone’s head. I just assumed he was getting ready for bed but soon I heard the tell tale click of a door opening. that’s when I started to get scared, I could see his shadow through the blurry glass of the shower.
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore him, hoping, wishing so hard that he would just go away, but he didn’t. Before I knew what was going on I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he started to kiss at my neck sucking lightly on my flesh. I jumped, told him to get out, begged him even to just get out, that if he left right then I would forget it ever even started.
“Baby, I am just looking out for you, what if you slipped and fell no one would be here for you.” He whispered lips still attached to my neck.
”No Joel… I am fine… just please go.” I whimpered, begged, I would go as far as cried, but he ignored me.
”Benji, I love you, I am the best thing for you, you know that right? I’d never hurt you. I love you… I love you so much.” he whispered between kisses. I reached for the door handle intent on leaving, running to someone else’s room and asking them to stay for the night. I knew Billy wouldn’t ask to many questions, even Paul would probably just let me in.
He put his hand over mine pulling it from the door, “where do you think you’re going?,” this time he was almost growling and I felt him bite down on my neck. I think I yelped, I am not really sure. All I knew was that I was trapped in a shower, with my brother, who seemed to have go crazy. I took a sharp breath as his teeth broke my skin and when I looked back his lips were tinted in my blood. He dipped his finger in my blood, bringing it to my lips and tracing them with his finger, leaving a lip stick of blood over them. “See bro one in the same, made for each other, two halves of a whole.” I was shaking as he pushed his finger to my mouth, I didn’t move I am not even sure if I was breathing by this point, I was sure he had snapped. I think he was expecting me to suck on his finger or kiss him or something because when I just stood there he seemed to get mad. Pushing me up chest pressed against the wet tiles, “do you love me?”
My voice was shaking as was the rest of me, “I love you, not like this, just let me go please.”
I didn’t look at him but I could hear the smile in his voice, “and I was hoping we could do this the easy way.” He moved away from behind me one hand pressed against the top of my back making sure I couldn’t go far. I heard the top of the shampoo open, at least that’s what I thought it was. I heard him groan as he rubbed the substance onto himself. He moved behind me again picking up my hands and placing them above my head and off to each side moving my feet with the tips of his till I spread my legs. I was now practically spread eagled against the wall and not liking the position I was in.
I felt his chest pressed up against my back, “now relax or this will hurt.” With that I felt him line himself up with my opening,the shampoo serving as a makeshift lube guiding him in. It hurt, it hurt so bad I had never really done this before, maybe once or twice when I was dead drunk. I screamed squeezing my eyes shut and he wrapped a hand over my mouth “shut the fuck up, I don’t need someone to think I am killing you in here”
I nodded slightly as his grip on my mouth loosened and his hand went back to my hip. He pulled out almost all the way and slammed back in throwing his head back and letting out a low moan, and I whimpered eyes closed tight to keep from screaming.
He started a fast pace slamming in and out of me and I could feel myself tearing on the insides. As the water streamed down me, it became tinted with blood that flowed down my leg… “Joel please stop it hurts”
”everything hurts, life hurts, love hurts” he growled in my ear as I cried, forehead against the wall as my brother, my protector raped me in a hotel shower. I became numb to the pain after a while as he continued his assault on my body. His thrust became more sporadic as I felt him tense up getting closer to orgasm. He moaned my name loudly as he came inside my broken body and I mewled as the salty substance burned my already torn insides. He pulled out with a groan and stepped out of the shower and off to bed.
I fell to the floor letting the water run over me. Picking up the soap, I scrubbed myself as hard as I could, making the water as hot as it could go. my skin was burning and pink but it would never be clean enough for me.
I stayed in the bathroom till I thought I was going to fall asleep before stumbling back to my bed--curling up broken and confused under the sheets. I woke up to Joel calling my name telling me to get back on the bus. I opened my puffed and bloodshot eyes left over from a night of crying, to see all my stuff packed and ready to go. He helped me up lead me to the bathroom to get dressed. I turned to look at him starring into his eyes a minute before any words could be formed, “why?”
”Well I didn’t want you to have to pack when you got up, now get dressed we have to go.”
I went and got dressed, slipped back on the bus and fell back to sleep. Life went on as normal, Joel looking out for me as i tried to rebel. No more kisses goodnight, sleeping with me only when I needed him, which was more often then it used to be. He was right in what he thought, I need him to pick up the pieces, I need him to hold me while I cry at night and tell me it will all be ok. He shattered me to pieces, more then I will ever be able to pick up, and I don’t think I will ever be whole again. He hid a piece, buried it away as he swept and put my puzzle back. That one little piece means I can't ever leave, that one little pieces that he holds in his pocket makes me his forever.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Benji and Joel…
Genre: Psycho Joel (ha I do that to often)
Summary: At first I was ok with it. We had been giving each other little kisses on the cheek for years, since we were kids, most people thought it was cute “oh look at the twins kiss… they’re so cute,” but what’s cute for 6 year olds is creepy when you’re 24. His little kiss on the forehead got longer, till one night he leaned down and kissed my lips
Thanks to meggy for making me get back into writing…
Joel was always there for me. When we were kids it was little things like letting me sleep in his bed when the lighting flashed outside our window drove me to shaking in the corner. Or giving me a scoop of his ice cream when mine looked smaller then his. I know we’re twins so we’re not technically older or younger then one another but I think he always felt like he had to look out for me. Maybe it was because I was always the one getting in trouble or at least that what everyone joked, but I don’t think that was it. I think he was afraid of losing me, that one day I would grow up and leave him. He knew I could never leave if I always needed him to pick up the pieces and put me back together.
As we got older if got a little more serious then ice cream. He would give me his home work when I forgot it, and eventually I just stopped doing it-knowing he would just give me his. If I had a test I didn’t study for he would pull my hoodie over his head, throw up the hood and walk into my class signing the top of the test “Benjamin Madden.” He did it all without me ever asking.
I remember this one time I was out after curfew-again. I crawled in the window of our small room; eyes blood shot and barely able to stand for all the drugs and alcohol in my system. He helped me into bed and pulled the covers up around me tucking me in. I recall my dads voice yelling up the stairs for me to “get the fuck down there,” and trying to get up to met the request. He just lightly laid me back down pick up my hoodie and went down stairs to meet my fate. I didn’t see him again that night, I must have passed out before he got back up the stairs but when my eyes opened in the morning I gasped at the sight of him. His jaw was bruised and turning a sickening shade of purple, and his lips was cut and look as though it was bleeding the night before.
I asked him what happened. And you know what he did? He picked up my hoodie from his bed and lightly tossed it at me and with a sly smile and a hint of sarcasm in his voice he answered “Dad says not to smoke anymore.” And with that he was gone. I don’t know why he did it, I mean I would never take that bad of a beating for anyone, but he did; he did it for me. I saw him differently after that I was proud to be his brother.
Sometimes he went over board, I would come home with a girl and he would freak. Like this one time I picked up this blond chick at a bar, you know low top, thong coming out of the top her pants, and jeans that left nothing to your imagination. She was the kind of girl you used for a quick fuck nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t gonna marry her, I just wanted a fuck-I do have a libido. We walked in the door; well walked is a bad word, stumbled maybe, and he freaked. He pulled her away from me and told her to the get the fuck out. She yelled asking who the fuck he was and he just pushed her out the door. I started screaming at him, asking him why he did that, he just told me I deserved better. I was so fucking mad at him I hadn’t had a good fuck in weeks, I ran to my room throwing the door shut. I mean why in fuck he did that, I wasn’t going to marry her I was going to fuck her, she was a slut it wasn’t a matter of deserving someone. It was like he wanted me all to himself. But I wasn’t going to be all his forever. Even if that’s what I think he wanted out of our relationship.
I was never really scared of Joel. I mean he would never hurt me, from what I had seen through the years he would get himself hurt before letting someone hurt me. It’s just, he went over board sometimes, like with the blonde chick, just stuff like that. He started sleeping in my bed more often, when nothing was wrong like he just wanted to be there. Once I even told him “it’s okay I can sleep alone tonight.”
He ran a hand through my hair and looking into my eyes “what if something happens. I wanna be here in case something happens.” At that point I knew it was pointless to fight him he was gonna sleep in my bed whether I wanted him too or not it was just he way Joel was. Nothing could get near me unless he wanted it to. My opinions on my self didn’t matter anymore; it was Joel’s that mattered. What I wanted meant nothing if Joel could make up some half witted excuse on why it wasn’t good for me, then I wasn’t doing it.
It all started with a good night kiss. Our fucked up relationship getting more fucked as he would lean in kissing my forehead every night whispering “sweet dreams” or “goodnight baby.” At first I was ok with it. We had been giving each other little kisses on the cheek for years, since we were kids, most people thought it was cute “oh look at the twins kiss… they’re so cute,” but what’s cute for 6 year olds is creepy when you’re 24. His little kiss on the forehead got longer, till one night he leaned down and kissed my lips soft whispers of “goodnight” gracing his lips. “Goodnights” turned to “I love you’s” and my discomfort with everything grew. As his words got sweeter his kisses got longer, sometimes with a hand on the back of my head so I couldn’t pull away, once I could have sworn I felt him getting off on it. You know what I mean, getting off on kissing me, that’s just wrong. Now I know what your thinking, just tell him no, make him stop, don’t let him kiss you. It’s not that easy. I love my brother, but that’s all. My brother… brother being the key word, but he felt more. I could tell, it was a twin thing, I guess. Perhaps it was just the way he looked at me, like I was all he could see, and all he wanted. I couldn’t break his heart, so I continued to act oblivious to it all, not encouraging but not really pushing him away, not matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t hurt him.
It went on like that for a few months, nothing changing much till one night. By this point Good Charlotte had kicked off and we were doing pretty well. The bus pulled into a parking lot behind some hotel that we were going to be spending the night at. They handed out the keys and of course I was rooming with Joel, just my luck right. A few times I had tried to room with Billy but Joel would just act upset and all that shit and everyone would bother me to go with him and I would.
So we’re in the room and I’m in the shower not really paying attention, in fact I think I was singing rancid or something, like completely out of it. I heard him getting undressed-- like the click of a belt buckle, the slide of a zipper, the sound of the belt hitting the floor, and the ruffling of a shirt getting pulled over someone’s head. I just assumed he was getting ready for bed but soon I heard the tell tale click of a door opening. that’s when I started to get scared, I could see his shadow through the blurry glass of the shower.
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore him, hoping, wishing so hard that he would just go away, but he didn’t. Before I knew what was going on I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he started to kiss at my neck sucking lightly on my flesh. I jumped, told him to get out, begged him even to just get out, that if he left right then I would forget it ever even started.
“Baby, I am just looking out for you, what if you slipped and fell no one would be here for you.” He whispered lips still attached to my neck.
”No Joel… I am fine… just please go.” I whimpered, begged, I would go as far as cried, but he ignored me.
”Benji, I love you, I am the best thing for you, you know that right? I’d never hurt you. I love you… I love you so much.” he whispered between kisses. I reached for the door handle intent on leaving, running to someone else’s room and asking them to stay for the night. I knew Billy wouldn’t ask to many questions, even Paul would probably just let me in.
He put his hand over mine pulling it from the door, “where do you think you’re going?,” this time he was almost growling and I felt him bite down on my neck. I think I yelped, I am not really sure. All I knew was that I was trapped in a shower, with my brother, who seemed to have go crazy. I took a sharp breath as his teeth broke my skin and when I looked back his lips were tinted in my blood. He dipped his finger in my blood, bringing it to my lips and tracing them with his finger, leaving a lip stick of blood over them. “See bro one in the same, made for each other, two halves of a whole.” I was shaking as he pushed his finger to my mouth, I didn’t move I am not even sure if I was breathing by this point, I was sure he had snapped. I think he was expecting me to suck on his finger or kiss him or something because when I just stood there he seemed to get mad. Pushing me up chest pressed against the wet tiles, “do you love me?”
My voice was shaking as was the rest of me, “I love you, not like this, just let me go please.”
I didn’t look at him but I could hear the smile in his voice, “and I was hoping we could do this the easy way.” He moved away from behind me one hand pressed against the top of my back making sure I couldn’t go far. I heard the top of the shampoo open, at least that’s what I thought it was. I heard him groan as he rubbed the substance onto himself. He moved behind me again picking up my hands and placing them above my head and off to each side moving my feet with the tips of his till I spread my legs. I was now practically spread eagled against the wall and not liking the position I was in.
I felt his chest pressed up against my back, “now relax or this will hurt.” With that I felt him line himself up with my opening,the shampoo serving as a makeshift lube guiding him in. It hurt, it hurt so bad I had never really done this before, maybe once or twice when I was dead drunk. I screamed squeezing my eyes shut and he wrapped a hand over my mouth “shut the fuck up, I don’t need someone to think I am killing you in here”
I nodded slightly as his grip on my mouth loosened and his hand went back to my hip. He pulled out almost all the way and slammed back in throwing his head back and letting out a low moan, and I whimpered eyes closed tight to keep from screaming.
He started a fast pace slamming in and out of me and I could feel myself tearing on the insides. As the water streamed down me, it became tinted with blood that flowed down my leg… “Joel please stop it hurts”
”everything hurts, life hurts, love hurts” he growled in my ear as I cried, forehead against the wall as my brother, my protector raped me in a hotel shower. I became numb to the pain after a while as he continued his assault on my body. His thrust became more sporadic as I felt him tense up getting closer to orgasm. He moaned my name loudly as he came inside my broken body and I mewled as the salty substance burned my already torn insides. He pulled out with a groan and stepped out of the shower and off to bed.
I fell to the floor letting the water run over me. Picking up the soap, I scrubbed myself as hard as I could, making the water as hot as it could go. my skin was burning and pink but it would never be clean enough for me.
I stayed in the bathroom till I thought I was going to fall asleep before stumbling back to my bed--curling up broken and confused under the sheets. I woke up to Joel calling my name telling me to get back on the bus. I opened my puffed and bloodshot eyes left over from a night of crying, to see all my stuff packed and ready to go. He helped me up lead me to the bathroom to get dressed. I turned to look at him starring into his eyes a minute before any words could be formed, “why?”
”Well I didn’t want you to have to pack when you got up, now get dressed we have to go.”
I went and got dressed, slipped back on the bus and fell back to sleep. Life went on as normal, Joel looking out for me as i tried to rebel. No more kisses goodnight, sleeping with me only when I needed him, which was more often then it used to be. He was right in what he thought, I need him to pick up the pieces, I need him to hold me while I cry at night and tell me it will all be ok. He shattered me to pieces, more then I will ever be able to pick up, and I don’t think I will ever be whole again. He hid a piece, buried it away as he swept and put my puzzle back. That one little piece means I can't ever leave, that one little pieces that he holds in his pocket makes me his forever.