(no subject)
I haven't actually been on the computer in forever. I'm never going to get better.
It's so hard to breathe. I think I need a reason to. And here's the deal. I know I'm like, the most intense person alive. But when you feel like you're physically dying every single day, that's what happens. Everything has to be now. now. now. If I love you, you're the greatest thing ever, I want all of you, I don't want to think about forever or even tomorrow, I want to give you everything I have, right now. I want to experience everything. I want to feel as alive as possible. But unfortunately, I'm only fully aware that I'm alive when I'm hurting. If my heart is broken, I am so alive. I feel it all. And when I'm happy, I feel like I'm dreaming and maybe that isn't a good thing. Maybe I've never been truly happy. Because everything has been so forced. Because I need it to be. Because I feel like I don't have the time to wait for it to happen on its own. I think that's why it's so easy for me to get over things so fast. Because I'm wasting life and I firmly believe I have a singular fate. I will never find someone that can reciprocate my love. I'm just reaching out and holding onto life and fighting and using all my strength but all I can ever get from anyone is a cold shoulder. I'm not asking for shelter. I don't way anyone to lean on. I'm not looking for answers. I'm not expecting anyone to make me feel alive or even make me feel better about all the shit I go through. I just want to feel like someone cares. And oh for the love of God, for someone to love me. I'm not sure I care how awful it sounds, it feels even worse, but sometimes I wish I would die already. I believe I'd exist to everyone then.
Everyone else has tomorrow, someday, any day. I'm looking at right now, the moment, this instant.
It's something I can't help but something I'm working on. Doing all the little tricky things it takes to grow up, step by step, into an anxious and unsettling world.
It's so hard to breathe. I think I need a reason to. And here's the deal. I know I'm like, the most intense person alive. But when you feel like you're physically dying every single day, that's what happens. Everything has to be now. now. now. If I love you, you're the greatest thing ever, I want all of you, I don't want to think about forever or even tomorrow, I want to give you everything I have, right now. I want to experience everything. I want to feel as alive as possible. But unfortunately, I'm only fully aware that I'm alive when I'm hurting. If my heart is broken, I am so alive. I feel it all. And when I'm happy, I feel like I'm dreaming and maybe that isn't a good thing. Maybe I've never been truly happy. Because everything has been so forced. Because I need it to be. Because I feel like I don't have the time to wait for it to happen on its own. I think that's why it's so easy for me to get over things so fast. Because I'm wasting life and I firmly believe I have a singular fate. I will never find someone that can reciprocate my love. I'm just reaching out and holding onto life and fighting and using all my strength but all I can ever get from anyone is a cold shoulder. I'm not asking for shelter. I don't way anyone to lean on. I'm not looking for answers. I'm not expecting anyone to make me feel alive or even make me feel better about all the shit I go through. I just want to feel like someone cares. And oh for the love of God, for someone to love me. I'm not sure I care how awful it sounds, it feels even worse, but sometimes I wish I would die already. I believe I'd exist to everyone then.
Everyone else has tomorrow, someday, any day. I'm looking at right now, the moment, this instant.
It's something I can't help but something I'm working on. Doing all the little tricky things it takes to grow up, step by step, into an anxious and unsettling world.