(no subject)
today was a really, really, intense day
my summer scholars application was due today, which has been a really time consuming and difficult application to pull together - but i did it. i was up until 3am last night finishing various parts of it - with great help from eulogio - and woke up at 8am this morning to get it all together and be at school by 10am to pick up pieces from professors and turn it in by 11am. i got to school a little after 10 and my first stop was to eulogio's office - i haven't seen him in a while and it was so nice to see him - he was so incredibly generous and helpful with this application and it was really pretty amazing for me to have someone i respect so greatly to be so intent on helping me out, and validating me and my work in the process. had a lovely but too bried chat with him and ran to the anthro house, picked up the letter 'signed' by guss and busted my butt across campus to get to dowling by 11am. made it. called my mom and she was at jim and fionas, and she tells me that fiona is really in a bad way and that she believes hospice will begin tomorrow. we discuss that and then she takes the moment to share good news with me - that she was given a raise and bonus, which is really really fantastic - but it was a little hard for me to go from trying to have my mom be proud of me, to hearing about fiona, to having to congratulate my mom for her raise. this is sort of where my intense day truly began - here i am feeling very proud of myself and very much on a high of working very hard to get together a difficult application, as well as feeling quite validated by my professors and peers and just feeling really good and happy with the work i've done, and when i go to share this almost elation, but mostly relief, with my mom, she greets me with bad news - expected, but still sad. anyways, from there i went to the commons and cooled off, had a bit of a chat with my dad but we had to end shortly and that was also a little bit of a bummer. while waiting for the shuttle i decided to go into the bookstore and see what was good - recently they've had really great book sales. i ended up finding three books - march by geraldine brooks, the future of ideas by lessig, and the places that scare you, by pema chodron. when i saw the spine for 'the places that scare you' i was totally unsure as to what the book was about but i felt drawn to it. i picked it up and it turned out to be 'a guide to fearlessness in difficult times' written by buddhist nun who i have actually heard of (she's obviously super famous). anyways, i checked out, hopped on the joey, and immediately started reading the chodron text. the book is about working to find your boddichitta, or your awakened heart. i become enveloped by the text. i read it all the way from tufts to the museum school, where i had a 1 o'clock appointment to sign up for what will be my second to last review board. i got there and was feeling overwhelmed - i had been running around all day, i was unsure as to what was happening with fiona - my mom had called me right after the train departed from park street and so i was unable to talk, and when i called her back 5 minutes later she was unable to talk. so i am waiting in line thinking about my board, and fiona, and my mom, and this book, and just feeling very heavy and overwhelmed and tired and aware. choosing my review board was difficult - every other year i have had one there have been at least four really excellent pairings of teachers, all of which would have been wonderful for me to have on my boards, and so choosing one was not difficult. this was different. i was frustrated by the people around me and feeling daunted at the choices given. i chose anne pelikan and some sound/animation professor i don't know. it's on may 7th, so that's good. after signing up for my board i wandered around the donnelly building still feeling very heavy and overwhelmed but with a little relief for having accomplished two big tasks in one day. i left the building and walked to the t, and continued reading the chodron text. i had a ticket to see michael pollan speak at tufts at 4:30, and so i headed back to tufts to grab something to eat, relax, and then head to the lecture. i sat for a while, ate my lunch, played with my phone and then got a call from my brother. i feel bad because i never call reid - he always calls me, and while we talk often i feel like i should call him more. make that effort. anyways, i was really quite excited to hear about his weekend in miami with truooth and to hear all about that and whatever, but i could tell he was upset about something and that it was keeping him from excitedly retelling his weekend adventure to me. i got a bit of the details of the trip out of him - was probably too harsh about how much money he spent - but then he changed the topic to fiona. he told me that mom had called him and he knew what was going on - and although she had not told me i knew as well - that she was really bad and that she was most likely going to enter in home hospice care tomorrow. i could tell reid was really upset, and it sounded like he was crying. this was a really difficult conversation for me, but i did my best to guide him and advise him in the ways i know he needs right now. he expressed to me that he felt like he could do nothing, that he was so worried about jimmy, that he felt guilty for how great everything is for him. i told him that he needs to talk to jimmy, that what he can do - what would be more than anything he could do in person - is to call and talk to his uncle, to remind him that reid loves him and that he needs and wants him in my life - to remind jimmy that he is a good, worthy, person who is loved and needed - something i am sure he is feeling great doubt about as he can do nothing to save his wife. i think reid and i both feel the same, and this is an awkward and hard feeling to have - that while we are really truly sad about fiona, and her illness, and that she most likely will die very soon, that we are more worried and sad about jimmy. and that's a hard emotion to feel - the need to mourn the person who survives, more than she who passes. i tried to tell him how he and i are beacons of hope and future for jimmy, and that sharing all the good things happening in reid's life right now is a wonderful gift he can give to jimmy. i hope i was right. reid and i talked for 45 minutes, the tail of the conversation taking place as i walked to the lecture. i finished the conversation moments before the lecture began and it took everything inside of me to keep from crying. there were so many emotions running through me - sadness for fiona being ill, sadness and worry for jimmy, sadness for reid, a longing to be near my brother, a sadness that i am not with him nor the rest of my family, pride and gratefullness that reid feels comfortable and able to come to me when he needs guidance and support, something close to anger or frustration with my mother for not telling me the situation at hand, still slight feelings of pride and accomplishment for all the hard work i had done the week prior and today, feelings of immensity and awakening in light of reading the chodron text. i sat through the lecture and it was interesting, but i feel myself more and more harboring not anger but frustration with the privilged way so many people around me are able to live and think - while i was very intrigued by what pollan was talking about, at the same time it was very palpable to me that all of these white people in this room have the privilege and ability to care about where their food comes from, to abandon the grocery and embrace the farmers market, to read his book and appreciate and follow its wisdom, just all of that. as the lecture ended, literally, the moment it ended, my dad called me again. i answered and tried to walk through the reception but it was too noisy - i walked outside and we chatted briefly. he told me that reid had called him crying, right after reid and i had spoken. i dont even really know what dad and i talked about. i mean, i do but it seemed so... whatever. we talked about fiona and i guess what i was trying to do was share the advice i had given reid with my dad, hoping that he would assure me that it was good advice, and i guess i hoped that by talking about reid's worries and saddness, that i would be able to backhandedly talk about mine, as it seems we share much of what we are feeling right now. but my dad wasn't really there for me, he was distracted, wanting to go home - he ended the conversation somewhat selfishly, letting me know that susan is going to have major back surgery in a few weeks - an experience i guess he feels is equal to and as upsetting as fiona slowly dying, as me struggling to be the strong big sister, the rational one, the one who has accepted from day one that fiona would not make it. i got off the phone and walked around aimlessly, trying very hard not to cry as i was surrounded by lots and lots of people. i called my mom and she was very distant - she told me what i already knew and had that tone in her voice she has been carrying for months now. she is in denial, she is feeling self righteous and superior to her neurotic brother, she is feeling saintly for 'being there' in the same way she felt saintly for going through what she went through with my father. anyways, we talked briefly and it frustrated me - i asked if reid called jimmy and she said yes. i asked her if they had a nice talk and she said she didn't really know, that reid had said afterward that jimmy was really out of it. at this point i felt upset that i had directed my brother incorrectly - that my advice to call jimmy and tell him about his weekend had backfired, and that reid had come off the conversation feeling guilty and upset, exactly what he thought he'd feel when he made the call, and exactly what i told him he would not feel as i knew jimmy would be appreciative. when i expressed my worry to my mom she seemed to not understand what i was saying, and in a way it really indicated to me how unaware she is of the fact that reid is really struggling and suffering in florida right now too, being so distant from his family, amidst the first family illness and impending death of his adult life - at a time when things are really good and strong for him right now - at a time when it is so crucial for him to be thankful for what he has going for him and to not let guilt stop him from moving forward. the phone call with my mom was really frustrating because she is in such a self righteous denial and it drives me nuts. she just throws these ridiculous and useless phrases at me 'when one person dies, you must take the next breath' 'women are often the ones who end up at the bedside, who are more able to deal with death'. i mean, just get off it. so i paced around aidekman some more, really feeling the need to cry, trying to find a quiet place but there just was not one to be found. so i walked to the joey and got on it, started reading the chodron text again. got to the davis T station and look across the street at the somerville theatre marquee and see that ben fold was playing a tufts only concert as the theatre TONIGHT. i couldn't believe it. all i could think about was how much and how meaningful it would have been for me to see him play right now, how incredible that would have been. but tickets were long sold out, and as much as i wanted to go there was nothing i could do. i let it go. as i was waiting for the train and guy in his early thirties started talking to me. he was quiet and nice and it felt so... serendipitous in a way. at that moment, what i really needed was someone to talk to, about something else. not about fiona, not about sadness, not about loss, not about denial, not about any of that - just someone to talk to. i could feel myself being slightly guarded and i relaxed, and at that point he came back and started talking to me again. we got on the train and sat next to each other and had a nice chat, and for the first time the entire day i felt relief. a strong sense of relief. we talked about the pollan lecture and the myth of nutritionism, and shared who we are and what we do. he is a software engineer from CA thinking of relocating to MA, and has been here for three weeks testing the waters - he leaves in one week. as the train entered central we were still chatting and had no chance to exchange numbers or email - he asked me for my facebook contact and i gave it to him but he didn't write it down and i don't know that he'll remember it. i wasn't attracted to him, i didn't want to go on a date with him, but it was really nice talking to him. he'll probably stay as what he is - the guy who gave me brief respite during one of the most intense days i have had in a really, really long time. we shook hands and wished each other well and i got off the train and walked home, thinking how funny life is sometimes, and feeling really inspired by all i had read in the chodron text that day, feeling like it was so right that i had found and begun reading that book today of all days, as if i am finally read to start really thinking about myself and my life in this way, and that today was the hardest kind of day that really presents you with the opportunity to strengthen yourself and open yourself to everything around you. as i walked home from the train my relief began to fade and i wanted to cry very much. as i approached the corner where the spice place is, a car pulled out onto river street very car as a big white van was speeding down the road - in the moment i realized i was about to see a very serious accident and i was incredibly scared. the moment passed as quickly as it came, and the girl infront of me kept walking as if she hadn't noticed - and a guy walking towards me met my eyes and shared my fear and disbelief of what had just happened. my eyes are filling with tears and i am feeling so immense right now, so heavy. i keep walking, wanting so badly to get home, into my space, where i can be with myself and just let myself cry, let myself let go of everything that i have been dragging with me all day. as i am a block away from my house, i am trying very hard not to cry, and i see a woman in the distance walking towards me, and i feel like it is important for me to not cry as we pass each other. as she comes into my sight i do not recognize her until she passes - when she passes me she glares at me and gives me the middle finger right in my face. i encountered this same woman months ago and she did the exact same thing to me. the first time it made me really upset and i spun around asking her 'why?', but she just kept walking. this time it shocked me but i just kept walking. as i rounded my walkway i let myself go and started crying, and wept up the stairs and into my apartment, standing in the entrance to my room, dropped my bag and let go.
some days are just really really intense. and those are the days that are the most important.
my summer scholars application was due today, which has been a really time consuming and difficult application to pull together - but i did it. i was up until 3am last night finishing various parts of it - with great help from eulogio - and woke up at 8am this morning to get it all together and be at school by 10am to pick up pieces from professors and turn it in by 11am. i got to school a little after 10 and my first stop was to eulogio's office - i haven't seen him in a while and it was so nice to see him - he was so incredibly generous and helpful with this application and it was really pretty amazing for me to have someone i respect so greatly to be so intent on helping me out, and validating me and my work in the process. had a lovely but too bried chat with him and ran to the anthro house, picked up the letter 'signed' by guss and busted my butt across campus to get to dowling by 11am. made it. called my mom and she was at jim and fionas, and she tells me that fiona is really in a bad way and that she believes hospice will begin tomorrow. we discuss that and then she takes the moment to share good news with me - that she was given a raise and bonus, which is really really fantastic - but it was a little hard for me to go from trying to have my mom be proud of me, to hearing about fiona, to having to congratulate my mom for her raise. this is sort of where my intense day truly began - here i am feeling very proud of myself and very much on a high of working very hard to get together a difficult application, as well as feeling quite validated by my professors and peers and just feeling really good and happy with the work i've done, and when i go to share this almost elation, but mostly relief, with my mom, she greets me with bad news - expected, but still sad. anyways, from there i went to the commons and cooled off, had a bit of a chat with my dad but we had to end shortly and that was also a little bit of a bummer. while waiting for the shuttle i decided to go into the bookstore and see what was good - recently they've had really great book sales. i ended up finding three books - march by geraldine brooks, the future of ideas by lessig, and the places that scare you, by pema chodron. when i saw the spine for 'the places that scare you' i was totally unsure as to what the book was about but i felt drawn to it. i picked it up and it turned out to be 'a guide to fearlessness in difficult times' written by buddhist nun who i have actually heard of (she's obviously super famous). anyways, i checked out, hopped on the joey, and immediately started reading the chodron text. the book is about working to find your boddichitta, or your awakened heart. i become enveloped by the text. i read it all the way from tufts to the museum school, where i had a 1 o'clock appointment to sign up for what will be my second to last review board. i got there and was feeling overwhelmed - i had been running around all day, i was unsure as to what was happening with fiona - my mom had called me right after the train departed from park street and so i was unable to talk, and when i called her back 5 minutes later she was unable to talk. so i am waiting in line thinking about my board, and fiona, and my mom, and this book, and just feeling very heavy and overwhelmed and tired and aware. choosing my review board was difficult - every other year i have had one there have been at least four really excellent pairings of teachers, all of which would have been wonderful for me to have on my boards, and so choosing one was not difficult. this was different. i was frustrated by the people around me and feeling daunted at the choices given. i chose anne pelikan and some sound/animation professor i don't know. it's on may 7th, so that's good. after signing up for my board i wandered around the donnelly building still feeling very heavy and overwhelmed but with a little relief for having accomplished two big tasks in one day. i left the building and walked to the t, and continued reading the chodron text. i had a ticket to see michael pollan speak at tufts at 4:30, and so i headed back to tufts to grab something to eat, relax, and then head to the lecture. i sat for a while, ate my lunch, played with my phone and then got a call from my brother. i feel bad because i never call reid - he always calls me, and while we talk often i feel like i should call him more. make that effort. anyways, i was really quite excited to hear about his weekend in miami with truooth and to hear all about that and whatever, but i could tell he was upset about something and that it was keeping him from excitedly retelling his weekend adventure to me. i got a bit of the details of the trip out of him - was probably too harsh about how much money he spent - but then he changed the topic to fiona. he told me that mom had called him and he knew what was going on - and although she had not told me i knew as well - that she was really bad and that she was most likely going to enter in home hospice care tomorrow. i could tell reid was really upset, and it sounded like he was crying. this was a really difficult conversation for me, but i did my best to guide him and advise him in the ways i know he needs right now. he expressed to me that he felt like he could do nothing, that he was so worried about jimmy, that he felt guilty for how great everything is for him. i told him that he needs to talk to jimmy, that what he can do - what would be more than anything he could do in person - is to call and talk to his uncle, to remind him that reid loves him and that he needs and wants him in my life - to remind jimmy that he is a good, worthy, person who is loved and needed - something i am sure he is feeling great doubt about as he can do nothing to save his wife. i think reid and i both feel the same, and this is an awkward and hard feeling to have - that while we are really truly sad about fiona, and her illness, and that she most likely will die very soon, that we are more worried and sad about jimmy. and that's a hard emotion to feel - the need to mourn the person who survives, more than she who passes. i tried to tell him how he and i are beacons of hope and future for jimmy, and that sharing all the good things happening in reid's life right now is a wonderful gift he can give to jimmy. i hope i was right. reid and i talked for 45 minutes, the tail of the conversation taking place as i walked to the lecture. i finished the conversation moments before the lecture began and it took everything inside of me to keep from crying. there were so many emotions running through me - sadness for fiona being ill, sadness and worry for jimmy, sadness for reid, a longing to be near my brother, a sadness that i am not with him nor the rest of my family, pride and gratefullness that reid feels comfortable and able to come to me when he needs guidance and support, something close to anger or frustration with my mother for not telling me the situation at hand, still slight feelings of pride and accomplishment for all the hard work i had done the week prior and today, feelings of immensity and awakening in light of reading the chodron text. i sat through the lecture and it was interesting, but i feel myself more and more harboring not anger but frustration with the privilged way so many people around me are able to live and think - while i was very intrigued by what pollan was talking about, at the same time it was very palpable to me that all of these white people in this room have the privilege and ability to care about where their food comes from, to abandon the grocery and embrace the farmers market, to read his book and appreciate and follow its wisdom, just all of that. as the lecture ended, literally, the moment it ended, my dad called me again. i answered and tried to walk through the reception but it was too noisy - i walked outside and we chatted briefly. he told me that reid had called him crying, right after reid and i had spoken. i dont even really know what dad and i talked about. i mean, i do but it seemed so... whatever. we talked about fiona and i guess what i was trying to do was share the advice i had given reid with my dad, hoping that he would assure me that it was good advice, and i guess i hoped that by talking about reid's worries and saddness, that i would be able to backhandedly talk about mine, as it seems we share much of what we are feeling right now. but my dad wasn't really there for me, he was distracted, wanting to go home - he ended the conversation somewhat selfishly, letting me know that susan is going to have major back surgery in a few weeks - an experience i guess he feels is equal to and as upsetting as fiona slowly dying, as me struggling to be the strong big sister, the rational one, the one who has accepted from day one that fiona would not make it. i got off the phone and walked around aimlessly, trying very hard not to cry as i was surrounded by lots and lots of people. i called my mom and she was very distant - she told me what i already knew and had that tone in her voice she has been carrying for months now. she is in denial, she is feeling self righteous and superior to her neurotic brother, she is feeling saintly for 'being there' in the same way she felt saintly for going through what she went through with my father. anyways, we talked briefly and it frustrated me - i asked if reid called jimmy and she said yes. i asked her if they had a nice talk and she said she didn't really know, that reid had said afterward that jimmy was really out of it. at this point i felt upset that i had directed my brother incorrectly - that my advice to call jimmy and tell him about his weekend had backfired, and that reid had come off the conversation feeling guilty and upset, exactly what he thought he'd feel when he made the call, and exactly what i told him he would not feel as i knew jimmy would be appreciative. when i expressed my worry to my mom she seemed to not understand what i was saying, and in a way it really indicated to me how unaware she is of the fact that reid is really struggling and suffering in florida right now too, being so distant from his family, amidst the first family illness and impending death of his adult life - at a time when things are really good and strong for him right now - at a time when it is so crucial for him to be thankful for what he has going for him and to not let guilt stop him from moving forward. the phone call with my mom was really frustrating because she is in such a self righteous denial and it drives me nuts. she just throws these ridiculous and useless phrases at me 'when one person dies, you must take the next breath' 'women are often the ones who end up at the bedside, who are more able to deal with death'. i mean, just get off it. so i paced around aidekman some more, really feeling the need to cry, trying to find a quiet place but there just was not one to be found. so i walked to the joey and got on it, started reading the chodron text again. got to the davis T station and look across the street at the somerville theatre marquee and see that ben fold was playing a tufts only concert as the theatre TONIGHT. i couldn't believe it. all i could think about was how much and how meaningful it would have been for me to see him play right now, how incredible that would have been. but tickets were long sold out, and as much as i wanted to go there was nothing i could do. i let it go. as i was waiting for the train and guy in his early thirties started talking to me. he was quiet and nice and it felt so... serendipitous in a way. at that moment, what i really needed was someone to talk to, about something else. not about fiona, not about sadness, not about loss, not about denial, not about any of that - just someone to talk to. i could feel myself being slightly guarded and i relaxed, and at that point he came back and started talking to me again. we got on the train and sat next to each other and had a nice chat, and for the first time the entire day i felt relief. a strong sense of relief. we talked about the pollan lecture and the myth of nutritionism, and shared who we are and what we do. he is a software engineer from CA thinking of relocating to MA, and has been here for three weeks testing the waters - he leaves in one week. as the train entered central we were still chatting and had no chance to exchange numbers or email - he asked me for my facebook contact and i gave it to him but he didn't write it down and i don't know that he'll remember it. i wasn't attracted to him, i didn't want to go on a date with him, but it was really nice talking to him. he'll probably stay as what he is - the guy who gave me brief respite during one of the most intense days i have had in a really, really long time. we shook hands and wished each other well and i got off the train and walked home, thinking how funny life is sometimes, and feeling really inspired by all i had read in the chodron text that day, feeling like it was so right that i had found and begun reading that book today of all days, as if i am finally read to start really thinking about myself and my life in this way, and that today was the hardest kind of day that really presents you with the opportunity to strengthen yourself and open yourself to everything around you. as i walked home from the train my relief began to fade and i wanted to cry very much. as i approached the corner where the spice place is, a car pulled out onto river street very car as a big white van was speeding down the road - in the moment i realized i was about to see a very serious accident and i was incredibly scared. the moment passed as quickly as it came, and the girl infront of me kept walking as if she hadn't noticed - and a guy walking towards me met my eyes and shared my fear and disbelief of what had just happened. my eyes are filling with tears and i am feeling so immense right now, so heavy. i keep walking, wanting so badly to get home, into my space, where i can be with myself and just let myself cry, let myself let go of everything that i have been dragging with me all day. as i am a block away from my house, i am trying very hard not to cry, and i see a woman in the distance walking towards me, and i feel like it is important for me to not cry as we pass each other. as she comes into my sight i do not recognize her until she passes - when she passes me she glares at me and gives me the middle finger right in my face. i encountered this same woman months ago and she did the exact same thing to me. the first time it made me really upset and i spun around asking her 'why?', but she just kept walking. this time it shocked me but i just kept walking. as i rounded my walkway i let myself go and started crying, and wept up the stairs and into my apartment, standing in the entrance to my room, dropped my bag and let go.
some days are just really really intense. and those are the days that are the most important.