I-Ching Divination 2
I finally got around to the coin tossing again. I have to seriously agree with what it said.
For all my struggling and beating myself up, I have achieved nothing, and it feels wrong. I know I will not change, even when resolute. I have always known why this is, in some way, but I didnt like to admit it. Fear isnt the entire answer. In some way, the pain feels good. This is not addiction, nor masochism. There is something about it that even though it hurts, the pain deep down inside feels like progress, and I dont know why. Hurt has always inspired me, slowly smouldered at me, as if there is a phoenix somewhere in this pile of ash, hiding, trying to rise up. What strength I have is not nearly enough, as long as my problems obstruct my way.
I have completed my last task, and that was to stop moving forwards, and to turn and look behind me, face my past with both eyes open. It scared me, it made me more fearful, but I understand it a lot more now. My new task, is to endure quietly. My life is in a bad situation, and fighting will do nothing. For all the hiding I have been doing, inside, I have been fighting fiercly, my emotions and thoughts constantly aflame, beating mercilessly against the jail my problems have created. It has been for nought. The solution lays in acceptance. I must gather what energy I have, I must muster this little shimmering river inside of me, the warmth I have shown others, and wait. I must recharge, and endure. No more pursuing an escape, it is eating all of my waking life, all of my energy, all of my thoughts and feelings, the passion to escape is devouring me, and leaving nothing to truly live with. The situation will change, but for now I must be calm. The wall of ash has not moved once since it has set, so I need a new approach, or for the nature of the ash to change. It will change. A poisoned creature does not become well the moment the antidote is given, it takes time to work. Flushing with poison and struggling willful antidotes, it appears that the only thing I am left without in my bloodstream, is my own blood. I need time to soak it all up, both the venom and the antivenom. I need to simply be, for a time. In this state, it explains why none of my creations or efforts could even be born. They choke, just as I do.
I must feel the pain, but I must not focus upon it. The key was laid inside of me all along, and it was the very thing I tried to escape and fight against, the pain, the fear. It is that which will truly free me. I must learn to let it flow again. I have devoted so much time of my life to the mind, the spirit, the 'heaven' element of my existance. The 'earth' element has been neglected, the emotion, the feeling, the body, the self which resides inside. I must reattach to myself, but detach from all else, and wait. Reintegration with myself, but full detachment from the world. I always thought I was detached, but I wasnt, I always cared. I always got involved with things I knew would instantly hurt me, just to protect others, just to simply be there, even if I could do nothing, my presance would be shown. It is my time, to be selfish, and though I may still care, I have to attend to this now.
"The warrior who fights in heaven, requires offering at the shrine of earth"
For accepting I simply need to withdraw fully, and accept the soon-to-come pain as well as the soon-to-come external hurt, it certainly seems hard. I thought I was good at being a coward, but it seems im actually going to have to try. Letting go, being uninvolved, simply not being there, letting the world dissolve for a time. I fear I will become a monster, if I realise my own self again. I dont want to be selfish, but it is time I build my cocoon and sleep for now.
I hope you understand.
For all my struggling and beating myself up, I have achieved nothing, and it feels wrong. I know I will not change, even when resolute. I have always known why this is, in some way, but I didnt like to admit it. Fear isnt the entire answer. In some way, the pain feels good. This is not addiction, nor masochism. There is something about it that even though it hurts, the pain deep down inside feels like progress, and I dont know why. Hurt has always inspired me, slowly smouldered at me, as if there is a phoenix somewhere in this pile of ash, hiding, trying to rise up. What strength I have is not nearly enough, as long as my problems obstruct my way.
I have completed my last task, and that was to stop moving forwards, and to turn and look behind me, face my past with both eyes open. It scared me, it made me more fearful, but I understand it a lot more now. My new task, is to endure quietly. My life is in a bad situation, and fighting will do nothing. For all the hiding I have been doing, inside, I have been fighting fiercly, my emotions and thoughts constantly aflame, beating mercilessly against the jail my problems have created. It has been for nought. The solution lays in acceptance. I must gather what energy I have, I must muster this little shimmering river inside of me, the warmth I have shown others, and wait. I must recharge, and endure. No more pursuing an escape, it is eating all of my waking life, all of my energy, all of my thoughts and feelings, the passion to escape is devouring me, and leaving nothing to truly live with. The situation will change, but for now I must be calm. The wall of ash has not moved once since it has set, so I need a new approach, or for the nature of the ash to change. It will change. A poisoned creature does not become well the moment the antidote is given, it takes time to work. Flushing with poison and struggling willful antidotes, it appears that the only thing I am left without in my bloodstream, is my own blood. I need time to soak it all up, both the venom and the antivenom. I need to simply be, for a time. In this state, it explains why none of my creations or efforts could even be born. They choke, just as I do.
I must feel the pain, but I must not focus upon it. The key was laid inside of me all along, and it was the very thing I tried to escape and fight against, the pain, the fear. It is that which will truly free me. I must learn to let it flow again. I have devoted so much time of my life to the mind, the spirit, the 'heaven' element of my existance. The 'earth' element has been neglected, the emotion, the feeling, the body, the self which resides inside. I must reattach to myself, but detach from all else, and wait. Reintegration with myself, but full detachment from the world. I always thought I was detached, but I wasnt, I always cared. I always got involved with things I knew would instantly hurt me, just to protect others, just to simply be there, even if I could do nothing, my presance would be shown. It is my time, to be selfish, and though I may still care, I have to attend to this now.
"The warrior who fights in heaven, requires offering at the shrine of earth"
For accepting I simply need to withdraw fully, and accept the soon-to-come pain as well as the soon-to-come external hurt, it certainly seems hard. I thought I was good at being a coward, but it seems im actually going to have to try. Letting go, being uninvolved, simply not being there, letting the world dissolve for a time. I fear I will become a monster, if I realise my own self again. I dont want to be selfish, but it is time I build my cocoon and sleep for now.
I hope you understand.