The nature of nightmares..
Silent Hill. 2's Lucid Sonic Delusions. Why are these things so effective at being disturbing? Why is it that although they are abstract, do I feel so intensely familiar with them? To the brain, to the mind, they make little sense, but still they evoke fear. Not the kind of conditioned fear that I have as a human being, but that deeply unsettingly fear. Like you were traumatised so badly that you forgot something..
Wondering why they feel so familiar, I think back to the suffocating sound I get in my dreams. And I remember a short dream I had, during an operation as a child, the one with the shed. Why are these things so disturbing? Though abstract, they scare us. They should only confuse us, but they disturb. I think my mind has grasped part of the answer tonight, but it is hard to put into words. Even that damned "Puppy Whirl" animation of stickmen was disturbing. Its not why it was disturbing, its more of why its so familiar. Especially the cut up images that flick between different things. Its like walking through a garden full of flowers, in the middle of the day, only to get intermittant visions, flashes of an alternate-world version of the garden, where there are no flowers, just infertile dry soil, and a person you dont recognise planting broken fingernails into it, the air hotter than before, but nighttime. You know that kind of horror-scene in films, games, books? Like visions, visions that are like flashbacks but not real? The familiarity with this kind of stuff is worrying, especially with these little 'spiders' and 'wisps' in the corner of my eyes now, it has been a little more frequent recently.
I do realise though, that there is more to these over-imaginative flashes of disturbing images I get occasionally. I was convinced that the nature of death, was that entropic drifting until your place came up again, but there is something that truly unsettles me now. Some dreams that I have pushed out of mind, return now. That dream of the operation on my stomach, the pain was so real, and they said they had given me a drug that would make me forget, and tried to reassure me to stop trying to thrash around. The scary thing was, I only realised I had that dream, about a month afterwards. No, that is the wrong subject. Yes that dream was freakily odd, but this is different. The nature of death. My view on the nature of death is vulnerable now, it may change.
Its strange, I know the nature of death, but not where it leads.
But now, I know these new thoughts to be unreal, but still they are familiar. The fear is familiar too, I have been terror stricken before, in some state of torture. I cannot recall if there was pain, but there was terror. What was it? I cant remember but I am compelled to break through this barrier, to learn.... something. I know if I find out i'll want to forget again.
That fear, I remember that fear in my dreams as a child. "The Starer" on the hallway landing, paralysed. In my dreams, something was there, was it intelligent? I remember being so fearful of it that when I woke up, I would run and check my bedroom light, then the landing light, to make sure I was really awake. I remember waking my parents up, to try and reassure myself I was really awake, and not about to be paralysed again, staring straight ahead like I only exist in a 1-second timeframe, my mind trapped too, and someone, something, staring at me, practically nose-to-nose, unblinking, unmoving, like a reflection, but a reflection that sometimes I couldnt see, but still felt.
Another little memory. A film I saw on Sky Movies... an interesting yet very low budget movie called "UFO : The Mc.Pherson Tape". Im not easily scared by horror movies, I might jump, but I never really scare. This movie scared me. Not because of the special effects or bad costumes and Blair-Witch style camerawork.. just two things :
1) The strange 'scramble' effect on the camera, the quietening/slight distortion of the sound as it happened too. That was VERY familiar, it scared me just that they had that detail. I dont know why.
2) At the point where the kid holding the camera goes to change his pants, and he goes to leave but the alien intercepts him on the way out? That reminded me a lot of the 'starer' deal, the being unable to move or respond or really do anything. Trying to call for help or scream does little more than make you breathe heavier, your throat seemingly unable to contract to shape a sound. But the final part that REALLY got me, was when the alien let him go... the sound that the kid made really disturbed me. Its quiet, like a whimper, or a gently staggered exhale. That was very familiar to me too.
How can such a cheesy film bring out these things in me? I want to know the origins of these things in me, but im already afraid about what I might find. At the end of that second point mini paragraph, I had to turn my light on and put on some music, because I was getting freaky images again. I have to sleep soon but I think im going to be staying awake for a long while. I'll have to decide tomorrow if I want to pursue all this. Truth has its costs too, right? If I do more thinking on this, I might stand to lose a lot of sleep, and bathe in a lot of this fear. I cant stand that feeling of fear in my gut, for some reason I really wanted to just get on the floor and curl up very tight.
I thought I knew the nature of death but these strange, abstract, disturbing things definately feel like something i've experienced... if only in the lucid dreams I had as a child, they still affected me on some deep level, even if I learned to shut it all out. There is definately more to this, but I need to get it all out of my head now. So far i've managed to attribute my staying hidden from people to 'adapting to live with my problems', but this kind of fear is a whole different level.
It makes me fear for my soul. Why is this?
I have undoubtedly faced death before this life, as we are born from the same unknown that we go to when we die, but this might be a book I really shouldnt open. If this is really a part of existance, or even if this is something unique to my journey in existance, or even if this is just some temporary thing I will carry with me in this one life, I will undoubtedly have to face it in full force at some point. If I do not take these quiet days as chance to prepare myself, then when the real event arrives, it may entirely destroy me, if harmful.
I know I make things sound dramatic, and I know I make them long-winded, but attempting to put these feelings, thoughts, and memories into words is harder than it seems. Words can fall short, and I think for this, you need to simply experience it. Perhaps this is my first real taste of fear? Fear for the physical is one thing, but this is on a completely different level, where you are naked and unprepared no matter how you approach it..
I may be unable to help people for a time now. If I am correct, this may be the door that leads me straight on the path towards insanity, and I really shouldnt be trying to support others whilst im trying to figure this out. If I do in fact start to deterioate in terms of behaviour and coherancy, im sorry, but this may just be who I am under all of my mental lockdown. Maybe its time I let go of all my control, and figure out who I really am.
So for now, I shall regain my strength with deaths more social sister, sleep.
Perhaps this too will pass with all other things, but will I be able to really pursue this? Or will I ignore it so that I can continue operating in sync with this world? I would run some of this by the shamans I have met online, but most of them dont take me seriously. For all their experience, they are still young and take much simply by tone. If only I knew someone else into this odd, spooky stuff, someone who wouldnt stab me in the back or ignore me for not being of the same walk of life.
Didnt I say I was going to try sleep?
Well, i'll lay in bed and think on this some more, better make a start. I seriously hope that 'mystery subject X' deal doesnt kick in when I do. If I enter the comatose, mentally suffocated state whilst this subject is on the mind, it'll be absolute hell for me..
Be well.
Wondering why they feel so familiar, I think back to the suffocating sound I get in my dreams. And I remember a short dream I had, during an operation as a child, the one with the shed. Why are these things so disturbing? Though abstract, they scare us. They should only confuse us, but they disturb. I think my mind has grasped part of the answer tonight, but it is hard to put into words. Even that damned "Puppy Whirl" animation of stickmen was disturbing. Its not why it was disturbing, its more of why its so familiar. Especially the cut up images that flick between different things. Its like walking through a garden full of flowers, in the middle of the day, only to get intermittant visions, flashes of an alternate-world version of the garden, where there are no flowers, just infertile dry soil, and a person you dont recognise planting broken fingernails into it, the air hotter than before, but nighttime. You know that kind of horror-scene in films, games, books? Like visions, visions that are like flashbacks but not real? The familiarity with this kind of stuff is worrying, especially with these little 'spiders' and 'wisps' in the corner of my eyes now, it has been a little more frequent recently.
I do realise though, that there is more to these over-imaginative flashes of disturbing images I get occasionally. I was convinced that the nature of death, was that entropic drifting until your place came up again, but there is something that truly unsettles me now. Some dreams that I have pushed out of mind, return now. That dream of the operation on my stomach, the pain was so real, and they said they had given me a drug that would make me forget, and tried to reassure me to stop trying to thrash around. The scary thing was, I only realised I had that dream, about a month afterwards. No, that is the wrong subject. Yes that dream was freakily odd, but this is different. The nature of death. My view on the nature of death is vulnerable now, it may change.
Its strange, I know the nature of death, but not where it leads.
But now, I know these new thoughts to be unreal, but still they are familiar. The fear is familiar too, I have been terror stricken before, in some state of torture. I cannot recall if there was pain, but there was terror. What was it? I cant remember but I am compelled to break through this barrier, to learn.... something. I know if I find out i'll want to forget again.
That fear, I remember that fear in my dreams as a child. "The Starer" on the hallway landing, paralysed. In my dreams, something was there, was it intelligent? I remember being so fearful of it that when I woke up, I would run and check my bedroom light, then the landing light, to make sure I was really awake. I remember waking my parents up, to try and reassure myself I was really awake, and not about to be paralysed again, staring straight ahead like I only exist in a 1-second timeframe, my mind trapped too, and someone, something, staring at me, practically nose-to-nose, unblinking, unmoving, like a reflection, but a reflection that sometimes I couldnt see, but still felt.
Another little memory. A film I saw on Sky Movies... an interesting yet very low budget movie called "UFO : The Mc.Pherson Tape". Im not easily scared by horror movies, I might jump, but I never really scare. This movie scared me. Not because of the special effects or bad costumes and Blair-Witch style camerawork.. just two things :
1) The strange 'scramble' effect on the camera, the quietening/slight distortion of the sound as it happened too. That was VERY familiar, it scared me just that they had that detail. I dont know why.
2) At the point where the kid holding the camera goes to change his pants, and he goes to leave but the alien intercepts him on the way out? That reminded me a lot of the 'starer' deal, the being unable to move or respond or really do anything. Trying to call for help or scream does little more than make you breathe heavier, your throat seemingly unable to contract to shape a sound. But the final part that REALLY got me, was when the alien let him go... the sound that the kid made really disturbed me. Its quiet, like a whimper, or a gently staggered exhale. That was very familiar to me too.
How can such a cheesy film bring out these things in me? I want to know the origins of these things in me, but im already afraid about what I might find. At the end of that second point mini paragraph, I had to turn my light on and put on some music, because I was getting freaky images again. I have to sleep soon but I think im going to be staying awake for a long while. I'll have to decide tomorrow if I want to pursue all this. Truth has its costs too, right? If I do more thinking on this, I might stand to lose a lot of sleep, and bathe in a lot of this fear. I cant stand that feeling of fear in my gut, for some reason I really wanted to just get on the floor and curl up very tight.
I thought I knew the nature of death but these strange, abstract, disturbing things definately feel like something i've experienced... if only in the lucid dreams I had as a child, they still affected me on some deep level, even if I learned to shut it all out. There is definately more to this, but I need to get it all out of my head now. So far i've managed to attribute my staying hidden from people to 'adapting to live with my problems', but this kind of fear is a whole different level.
It makes me fear for my soul. Why is this?
I have undoubtedly faced death before this life, as we are born from the same unknown that we go to when we die, but this might be a book I really shouldnt open. If this is really a part of existance, or even if this is something unique to my journey in existance, or even if this is just some temporary thing I will carry with me in this one life, I will undoubtedly have to face it in full force at some point. If I do not take these quiet days as chance to prepare myself, then when the real event arrives, it may entirely destroy me, if harmful.
I know I make things sound dramatic, and I know I make them long-winded, but attempting to put these feelings, thoughts, and memories into words is harder than it seems. Words can fall short, and I think for this, you need to simply experience it. Perhaps this is my first real taste of fear? Fear for the physical is one thing, but this is on a completely different level, where you are naked and unprepared no matter how you approach it..
I may be unable to help people for a time now. If I am correct, this may be the door that leads me straight on the path towards insanity, and I really shouldnt be trying to support others whilst im trying to figure this out. If I do in fact start to deterioate in terms of behaviour and coherancy, im sorry, but this may just be who I am under all of my mental lockdown. Maybe its time I let go of all my control, and figure out who I really am.
So for now, I shall regain my strength with deaths more social sister, sleep.
Perhaps this too will pass with all other things, but will I be able to really pursue this? Or will I ignore it so that I can continue operating in sync with this world? I would run some of this by the shamans I have met online, but most of them dont take me seriously. For all their experience, they are still young and take much simply by tone. If only I knew someone else into this odd, spooky stuff, someone who wouldnt stab me in the back or ignore me for not being of the same walk of life.
Didnt I say I was going to try sleep?
Well, i'll lay in bed and think on this some more, better make a start. I seriously hope that 'mystery subject X' deal doesnt kick in when I do. If I enter the comatose, mentally suffocated state whilst this subject is on the mind, it'll be absolute hell for me..
Be well.