the surface of things
I'm feeling weirdly self conscious about posting this but it's sort of important. If I really feel the need, I'll "friends only" later.
I've had an extreme fear/anxiety about what some people like to call "losing time" for years now - to the point of having reoccurring nightmares about it since I was much younger (one of the more common scenerios being that I'll go somewhere - thinking that I'd just been there the day before only to find that it has been weeks or months since I was there).
After having conversations with friends and a good deal of reflecting, I've come to realize that this is something that happens to me every SINGLE day when I drive (this has increasingly become a problem over the past several years). Now I know that plenty of people do naturally disassociate when they drive (or do anything that involves a repeated ritual activity) but usually people are able to retain at least some of that experience (especially conversations had, etc.) during the trip. I usually remember the first minute or two after I start the car and the last minute or so of the trip - everything else is gone. By this point Leigh and I have had to have the conversation of "If you told me in the car, even if I responded in someway, it's not there anymore" at least a dozen times...in all honestly this makes plenty enough of sense to me because the moment I end up having to drive a car I have to suppress the urge to freak out because it stresses me out that much.
So yeah, for some reason or another, probably because of the stress that it is blocking out, I've adapted to the fact that I basically completely and entirely blank out/"lose time" when I step into a car.
That's fine.
What I'm really trying to get at is this though...
On a similar but separate note, I generally talk about DID and the varying degrees of it publicly and as often as I do because I am primarily what I've called a "backseat driver" when I've described DID before (in the sense that I am still semi-conscious of the actions of my alters, I am just not in control). There has only been one time that I have actually recognized a black out having happened and that was YEARRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ago.
We've all been really good with sharing what is going on over the years but apparently someone has not been entirely open.
So I got a text from Leigh a few weeks ago that basically went - "Someone is apparently a fucking creeper" and when I asked what he was talking about he said Casper or someone else 'got him' (as in surprised/freaked him out) really good.
When he finally explained in person - this is what happened.
Leigh was reading one of his Brett Ellis books (OF ALL FUCKING THINGS) and as he got closer toward the end of the book, he noticed that something had been scrawled down the inside of the back cover.
It was a line from the book.
Which I've never read before.
Not Leigh's handwriting (And you can trust me on that, Leigh's writing can border on chicken scratch. Mike is one of the only ones that has really nice handwriting in LRS/LPR).
Not my handwriting.
Looks like fucking CASPER wrote it.
Who refuses to comment about it at all.
To the point where every time now that Leigh brings it up and tries to prod at him about it - I feel like I am going to puke. :D
So yeah, aside from the fact that I have this really weird aversion to Leigh's specific copy of this book (as in, I don't want to touch it or have it anywhere near me) - I also have ZERO memory of having anything to do with this book...so I've been a little perturbed to say the least. We have no idea when this happened. Leigh thinks it probably happened recently but I don't know.
I am such a control freak that I've made sure to never even get drunk because I feel like I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING that goes on during every moment of my day.
I'm just so bothered because we would have never even known if Leigh hadn't have spotted that.
I don't know. I just thought we were all communicating REALLY WELL.
Anyways, we're pretty certain at this point that it was Casper because it looks the most similar to his writing but until someone flat out says why they did it - I'm going to feel kind of fucked.
---
As per usual, I should probably be writing on here more regularly because I always have 45098405984509845 things on my mind that I feel the need to spew about.
PS for Milossssss - I'll definitely respond to your comment to my last post either later tonight or tomorrow - I've just had a ton (as usual) going on over the past few days. :D But I did read it!
I've had an extreme fear/anxiety about what some people like to call "losing time" for years now - to the point of having reoccurring nightmares about it since I was much younger (one of the more common scenerios being that I'll go somewhere - thinking that I'd just been there the day before only to find that it has been weeks or months since I was there).
After having conversations with friends and a good deal of reflecting, I've come to realize that this is something that happens to me every SINGLE day when I drive (this has increasingly become a problem over the past several years). Now I know that plenty of people do naturally disassociate when they drive (or do anything that involves a repeated ritual activity) but usually people are able to retain at least some of that experience (especially conversations had, etc.) during the trip. I usually remember the first minute or two after I start the car and the last minute or so of the trip - everything else is gone. By this point Leigh and I have had to have the conversation of "If you told me in the car, even if I responded in someway, it's not there anymore" at least a dozen times...in all honestly this makes plenty enough of sense to me because the moment I end up having to drive a car I have to suppress the urge to freak out because it stresses me out that much.
So yeah, for some reason or another, probably because of the stress that it is blocking out, I've adapted to the fact that I basically completely and entirely blank out/"lose time" when I step into a car.
That's fine.
What I'm really trying to get at is this though...
On a similar but separate note, I generally talk about DID and the varying degrees of it publicly and as often as I do because I am primarily what I've called a "backseat driver" when I've described DID before (in the sense that I am still semi-conscious of the actions of my alters, I am just not in control). There has only been one time that I have actually recognized a black out having happened and that was YEARRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ago.
We've all been really good with sharing what is going on over the years but apparently someone has not been entirely open.
So I got a text from Leigh a few weeks ago that basically went - "Someone is apparently a fucking creeper" and when I asked what he was talking about he said Casper or someone else 'got him' (as in surprised/freaked him out) really good.
When he finally explained in person - this is what happened.
Leigh was reading one of his Brett Ellis books (OF ALL FUCKING THINGS) and as he got closer toward the end of the book, he noticed that something had been scrawled down the inside of the back cover.
It was a line from the book.
Which I've never read before.
Not Leigh's handwriting (And you can trust me on that, Leigh's writing can border on chicken scratch. Mike is one of the only ones that has really nice handwriting in LRS/LPR).
Not my handwriting.
Looks like fucking CASPER wrote it.
Who refuses to comment about it at all.
To the point where every time now that Leigh brings it up and tries to prod at him about it - I feel like I am going to puke. :D
So yeah, aside from the fact that I have this really weird aversion to Leigh's specific copy of this book (as in, I don't want to touch it or have it anywhere near me) - I also have ZERO memory of having anything to do with this book...so I've been a little perturbed to say the least. We have no idea when this happened. Leigh thinks it probably happened recently but I don't know.
I am such a control freak that I've made sure to never even get drunk because I feel like I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING that goes on during every moment of my day.
I'm just so bothered because we would have never even known if Leigh hadn't have spotted that.
I don't know. I just thought we were all communicating REALLY WELL.
Anyways, we're pretty certain at this point that it was Casper because it looks the most similar to his writing but until someone flat out says why they did it - I'm going to feel kind of fucked.
---
As per usual, I should probably be writing on here more regularly because I always have 45098405984509845 things on my mind that I feel the need to spew about.
PS for Milossssss - I'll definitely respond to your comment to my last post either later tonight or tomorrow - I've just had a ton (as usual) going on over the past few days. :D But I did read it!