Do I cause my own misery?
So i did it today. I deleted pretty much all of my friends off YIM and AIM. It wasn't that i wanted to it was just that it was people who never logged on anymore or just those people's name I couldn't stand seeing. It just hurt to look at those names and to know either they betrayed me are gone or never want to speak to me anymore. Not that i had many in the first place one of my friends has 300 people on his buddy list i feel pathetic when compared to my 67-75 people(about 60+ got deleted from AIM) YIM lost pretty much everyone i only have 5 people left on that list 1 is a family member 2 are people i consider actualy friends the other two are more or less asscoiates.
Am i really that boring of a person? I mean i smile and everyone laughs when their around me but all in all am i really that dull of a person? Most times you stop talking to people when they bore you or there is a strain in your relationship. With these recent things it's left me wondering what is really going on with me.
I'm bipolar or close to it or something and i'm beging to wonder is this all just a act i put on myself. I mean look i made this LJ as a way to go back and look at these time for myself but now i'm wondering am i truly just a pitiful male. I mean i feel my psyche breaking as the days go by and I am sicking deeper into depression and i keep asking "Is this how i want to feel for the rest of my life".
Today in my CIS class ( computer information Science) I was comepletly and utterly alone. No one sat next to me and no one wanted to talk to me and it was just a tearful moment for me. I had to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown in class. I also lost my flash drvive which didn't help contribute to the mood. It made me realize that i really have no one to fall back on here. I mean i sent out a e-mail to 3 of my friends. One sent me a e-mail back and told me to cheer up not sure abouth the other two( yes you were one of them you know who you are).
I'm so hollow right now. I saw someone cute on craigslist and sent them a Im thru YIM. I realized that i am such a fucking pussy. It took me close to 2 hours just to say fucking HI. I mean really what kinda thing is that. I was going to talk to em and hit on em but then i realized that they wouldn't want me. I just began to hurt from thinking that.
"No one wants me." The line right there seems to hurt me so much cause it's one of those things i just know is pretty much true. Why would someone want someone like me? I mean i don't even offer anything other can't give. The only thing i can do right is give a beautiful comforting smile and hold you while you tell me your woes or storys and i'm an apt listener. That's nothing to be proud of i don't offere anything someone would like to keep. It fucking hurts me to admit that. That's why i keep grabbing blades and holding them against my fucking wrist...
I just want to have a purpose. I go to school and i'm working on getting good grades but even that feels hollow. I'm at the point where i can't get sadastic things i can do to myself out of my head and it's upsetting me so much. I want to rip out my tounge. I want to gouge out my eyes cause i hate looking at myself. I want to shatter my ear drums so i wont hear a sound. i want to slit my throat just so i can't talk. I want to die but i know i can't yet i'm not ment to kill myself but i am just in so much pain.
I don't even know what to do anymore i'm trying to conceal my depression the best i can but i feel it's finally to the point where i can't hide it. I should be able to control myself better than this but of course no one cares at all do they?What should i do and what should i say. I don't even know how to quell these thoughts or this pain. Heh when i am done with this i am most likely going to lay down in bed with a nice teddybear and just cuddle with it because it's the only thing that would want to be in a bed with me.
I realize to anyone who reads this it's depressing but it's my life and as much as i want it to be a colorful candyland it isn't and to a sent that also hurts. I want the love in those romances that seems to last a life time. I can't tell you how many times i envied those people who met in highschool or elementary and stayed together all the way till they die.I want a love like that powerful. I know it wont happen for me though.
My Mom said that if you don't find someone by 22 statistic say that you'll be alone for the rest of your life. In a way i understand how that is possible but at the same time i am scared of that. I'm 22 now only had 1 boyfriend and no one else interested in me. Does this mean i should just stop trying all together now?
I know your not supposed to look for love but i can't help it. I've been a good boy i've hurt people in my past but i help more people then i hurt. These people who murder abuse rape and shit get anyone they want and i'm stick with no one and it hurts more and more to realize nice guys finish last is true.
I also hate the gay scene it's so fucking insane. Top Bottom Vers, Masculine Fem, Oral Anal Kissing j/o.... the list goes on you have to answer all these fucking questiosn cause guys are insecure. Then you have to deal with are you discreet. I just want to be with someone i'll do waht ever they want as long as they can get rid of this pain. I just want a little bit of happiness even if i don't deserve it. My memories of happier days are fading and day by day the misery grows. The question now is how much do i have left before my misery makes me sick....
I will not lock this because stuff like this is mean to be read no matter how heart wrenching it was to write this for me and no matter how close i was to crying while writing this...