(no subject)
Why is it....that everytime I have an idea....or a thought...or a view of what I want to do in my life...SOMEONE has to fucking bring me down. Normally my parents, occasionally my brother...and sometimes my friends.
So when I was younger...I wanted to be a writer. Ever since I was 12, I was writing. No, I never finished a book....but they were always interesting. 2, maybe 3 pages long. Short short stories that kept people interested for at least while they were reading...and always egging me on to finish them. "C'mon Chris, you have to finish that, it's so awesome." I'd turn in my creative writings for grades and feedback from my teachers. They always liked them. "You're characters are great and the action here is wonderful...I'd like to see what happens next." But I could never finish a book...didn't know where to go from point A. But still I continued writing, until my father decided one day to take a look into the life of his son. "You shouldn't be a writer Chris, they don't make any money. You can't support a family on being a writer, you need realistic goals."
I dealt with that all throughout school. Then I graduate high school, and start college. Woo! My dads son is a college man, happy and proud...but wait...one day again, my father peers into my life. "So what do you want to do with your life son?" I want to make movies, and be a director or camera man. Shunned. Once again....shunned by my father and his ill opinions of my job of interest. So I continue on, but wait....whats this? Dun dun daahh! Massage Therapy, Acupressure, Acupuncture, Aromatherapy....it's all the healing arts. Healing...something that I've always been a fan of, I love to make people feel better. If you're one of my friends then you know. But wait....whats this? Fucking shut down again. But it's not just my father...suddenly it's my brother...and my old hapkido teacher saying "Dear god don't let that boy go into massage." Because I'm a fucking guy. Yes, I understand that women and men don't want to be massaged by another guy (even though Becky swears that it's not true - a massage class is different then the actual thing...most guys and virtually all females don't want to be massaged by a strange man). I don't even care to mention about all the other things like acupuncture. So once again...I'm in my room, alone....with no hopes of finding a future that my father/associates can be proud of. Most of you are most likely thinking "well don't listen to them, do what your own heart wants you to do and follow your dreams" but you don't understand my father. You don't understand that the man who puts the "fucking roof over my head" as my brother proclaims, and supports me financially. He wishes that he could get back to the point where education was free and he could live under this roof. I don't. I want to be out, I graduated high school and started college, unlike my brother. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have been born. The only thing thats going to shut them up and make them get on with their fucking lives is if I join the army, or become an astronaut, or find some job that can support me, my wife, my children, my mansion and my fucking pool.
So I'm dealing with all of this negativity and decide....I want to move out. Thats just it, I'm going to pack my shit, and move the fuck out. I don't need all this crap. So I tell mom, and I tell Dave...and it gets back to Dad. So my dad comes to talk to me about it, naturally, and says that it's a good idea for me to get out on my own. He moved out when he was 17, mom moved out when she graduated high school. Dad thinks it's a good idea and I need this experience. Holy shit, it's a shining fucking beam of light come to save my day....until the shutters close on this happy image.
"But please don't move in with Josh and Becky" he tells me. Why not? They are nice people, yes they are having some marriage problems, but they are going to counseling and it's all going to work out in the end. They might not still be married, but they will at least still be friends. "Why not? Because you can be blamed for their break up. If they get divorced and you go up and stand in front of 12 men and women of the jury, in a court of law. You can be blamed for their seperation. They can call it adultery." Right now all that is flying through my head is "abuh!? what the fuck?!" So apparentely if the male isn't living in the house (which is what it's all about. My dad doesn't mind me living there as long as Josh is also living in the house) their male friend can be called an adulterer and blamed for the whole seperation. "because you're a young male and she's a woman with three kids. If the father of the kids isn't living in the house the lawyers will turn it around and make it seem like it's your fault....who do you think the jury is going to blame?"
I DON'T FUCKING CARE....and by the way dad, thanks for all your support. I'm so glad that my father has such high standards for me and thinks that I have good self control. I knew he felt that way when he started talking about Robin William's quote of "God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time" and said that eventually Becky and I would hook up and have a kid. What the fuck? Thanks dad, I'm so happy to know that you think I can controll myself. Yes, I agree that the male only has enough blood to run one at a time, but I'd like to think that my brain is in controll all of the fucking time.
Just once, just ONCE I'd like to hear my dad say "Well son thats going to be a tough choice for a job, but I'm here for you and will stand behind your decision 100%" He was pleading that I didn't move in with Josh and Becky because of this thing. "Please please Chris...I can't make this decision for you...but please don't move in with them." I can't fucking stand it. I want to move out, I don't want to be here any more. Even if I just move out and work 40 hours a week, come home exhausted and don't end up going back to school for another 2 years, I just need this experience. I need time away from my parents and their thoughts of how I should live my life.
I don't mean to offend any of you guys at the moment, but I wrote all of this down to get it out of my system and to read over what I've written for my own emotional sake. I couldn't care less about how you feel on this subject and I don't care for your comments. Comment if you'd like, I most likely won't end up reading them. I just need time to think about what I'm going to do with my life....other then move out and not give a shit. I need to think about what I'm going to do as a career...for my life. Because no matter how many times I try and fool myself...he's right.
So when I was younger...I wanted to be a writer. Ever since I was 12, I was writing. No, I never finished a book....but they were always interesting. 2, maybe 3 pages long. Short short stories that kept people interested for at least while they were reading...and always egging me on to finish them. "C'mon Chris, you have to finish that, it's so awesome." I'd turn in my creative writings for grades and feedback from my teachers. They always liked them. "You're characters are great and the action here is wonderful...I'd like to see what happens next." But I could never finish a book...didn't know where to go from point A. But still I continued writing, until my father decided one day to take a look into the life of his son. "You shouldn't be a writer Chris, they don't make any money. You can't support a family on being a writer, you need realistic goals."
I dealt with that all throughout school. Then I graduate high school, and start college. Woo! My dads son is a college man, happy and proud...but wait...one day again, my father peers into my life. "So what do you want to do with your life son?" I want to make movies, and be a director or camera man. Shunned. Once again....shunned by my father and his ill opinions of my job of interest. So I continue on, but wait....whats this? Dun dun daahh! Massage Therapy, Acupressure, Acupuncture, Aromatherapy....it's all the healing arts. Healing...something that I've always been a fan of, I love to make people feel better. If you're one of my friends then you know. But wait....whats this? Fucking shut down again. But it's not just my father...suddenly it's my brother...and my old hapkido teacher saying "Dear god don't let that boy go into massage." Because I'm a fucking guy. Yes, I understand that women and men don't want to be massaged by another guy (even though Becky swears that it's not true - a massage class is different then the actual thing...most guys and virtually all females don't want to be massaged by a strange man). I don't even care to mention about all the other things like acupuncture. So once again...I'm in my room, alone....with no hopes of finding a future that my father/associates can be proud of. Most of you are most likely thinking "well don't listen to them, do what your own heart wants you to do and follow your dreams" but you don't understand my father. You don't understand that the man who puts the "fucking roof over my head" as my brother proclaims, and supports me financially. He wishes that he could get back to the point where education was free and he could live under this roof. I don't. I want to be out, I graduated high school and started college, unlike my brother. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have been born. The only thing thats going to shut them up and make them get on with their fucking lives is if I join the army, or become an astronaut, or find some job that can support me, my wife, my children, my mansion and my fucking pool.
So I'm dealing with all of this negativity and decide....I want to move out. Thats just it, I'm going to pack my shit, and move the fuck out. I don't need all this crap. So I tell mom, and I tell Dave...and it gets back to Dad. So my dad comes to talk to me about it, naturally, and says that it's a good idea for me to get out on my own. He moved out when he was 17, mom moved out when she graduated high school. Dad thinks it's a good idea and I need this experience. Holy shit, it's a shining fucking beam of light come to save my day....until the shutters close on this happy image.
"But please don't move in with Josh and Becky" he tells me. Why not? They are nice people, yes they are having some marriage problems, but they are going to counseling and it's all going to work out in the end. They might not still be married, but they will at least still be friends. "Why not? Because you can be blamed for their break up. If they get divorced and you go up and stand in front of 12 men and women of the jury, in a court of law. You can be blamed for their seperation. They can call it adultery." Right now all that is flying through my head is "abuh!? what the fuck?!" So apparentely if the male isn't living in the house (which is what it's all about. My dad doesn't mind me living there as long as Josh is also living in the house) their male friend can be called an adulterer and blamed for the whole seperation. "because you're a young male and she's a woman with three kids. If the father of the kids isn't living in the house the lawyers will turn it around and make it seem like it's your fault....who do you think the jury is going to blame?"
I DON'T FUCKING CARE....and by the way dad, thanks for all your support. I'm so glad that my father has such high standards for me and thinks that I have good self control. I knew he felt that way when he started talking about Robin William's quote of "God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time" and said that eventually Becky and I would hook up and have a kid. What the fuck? Thanks dad, I'm so happy to know that you think I can controll myself. Yes, I agree that the male only has enough blood to run one at a time, but I'd like to think that my brain is in controll all of the fucking time.
Just once, just ONCE I'd like to hear my dad say "Well son thats going to be a tough choice for a job, but I'm here for you and will stand behind your decision 100%" He was pleading that I didn't move in with Josh and Becky because of this thing. "Please please Chris...I can't make this decision for you...but please don't move in with them." I can't fucking stand it. I want to move out, I don't want to be here any more. Even if I just move out and work 40 hours a week, come home exhausted and don't end up going back to school for another 2 years, I just need this experience. I need time away from my parents and their thoughts of how I should live my life.
I don't mean to offend any of you guys at the moment, but I wrote all of this down to get it out of my system and to read over what I've written for my own emotional sake. I couldn't care less about how you feel on this subject and I don't care for your comments. Comment if you'd like, I most likely won't end up reading them. I just need time to think about what I'm going to do with my life....other then move out and not give a shit. I need to think about what I'm going to do as a career...for my life. Because no matter how many times I try and fool myself...he's right.