...It was nothing but a preparation of the soul...
"When you throw a rock into the water, it will speed on the fastest course to the bottom of the water. This is how it is when Siddhartha has a goal, a resolution. Siddhartha does nothing, he waits, he thinks, he fasts, but he passes through the things of the world like a rock through water, without doing anything, without stirring; he is drawn, he lets himself fall. His goal attracts him, because he doesn't let anything enter his soul which might oppose the goal. This is what Siddhartha has learned among the Samanas. This is what fools call magic and of which they think it would be effected by means of the daemons. Nothing is effected by daemons, there are no daemons. Everyone can perform magic, everyone can reach his goals, if he is able to think, if he is able to wait, if he is able to fast."- "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse
This kind of sadness, this kind of missing someone, is really not so bad. I've been practicing mindful meditation for the past couple of months, which has generally led me to a general mindful approach to my life...not all the time, obviously...but I've been focused on remaining completely aware of my own situatedness within society and the world at large. At times when I feel I'm falling out of that general arena of thought (for example when I'm in awkward or insecure social situations), I consciously attempt to make myself aware of my own beliefs/desires/fears, and I attempt to just BE within whatever feeling/situation I'm in, trying to get the most out of it.
So, for now, I was crying over a boy again, something, as you know, is quite common for me. Typical. Daddy Issues. Body Issues. Boy Issues. Lame story over and over again.
But this time, It wasn't the same type of selfish "my life is over what am i going to do" cry, but rather a "wow, I am really going to miss this person in my life, I've really grown, this is absolutely beautiful"---> because it is. It's as beautiful as having sex with someone to show you you love them. That kind of intense emotion, rooted in and caused by the deepest of loves and connections , and its expression isn't BAD or CRIPPLING when you're aware of it... honestly it's just beautiful. And when it's over, you just feel full...and alive...and even more empowered that the life you are living and the course it is on is beautiful and wonderful and full of so many chances and opportunities to learn and to grow and to create and to interact with it. To have agency in it, and to be anything and everything within it.
So we'll see. With time.
This kind of sadness, this kind of missing someone, is really not so bad. I've been practicing mindful meditation for the past couple of months, which has generally led me to a general mindful approach to my life...not all the time, obviously...but I've been focused on remaining completely aware of my own situatedness within society and the world at large. At times when I feel I'm falling out of that general arena of thought (for example when I'm in awkward or insecure social situations), I consciously attempt to make myself aware of my own beliefs/desires/fears, and I attempt to just BE within whatever feeling/situation I'm in, trying to get the most out of it.
So, for now, I was crying over a boy again, something, as you know, is quite common for me. Typical. Daddy Issues. Body Issues. Boy Issues. Lame story over and over again.
But this time, It wasn't the same type of selfish "my life is over what am i going to do" cry, but rather a "wow, I am really going to miss this person in my life, I've really grown, this is absolutely beautiful"---> because it is. It's as beautiful as having sex with someone to show you you love them. That kind of intense emotion, rooted in and caused by the deepest of loves and connections , and its expression isn't BAD or CRIPPLING when you're aware of it... honestly it's just beautiful. And when it's over, you just feel full...and alive...and even more empowered that the life you are living and the course it is on is beautiful and wonderful and full of so many chances and opportunities to learn and to grow and to create and to interact with it. To have agency in it, and to be anything and everything within it.
So we'll see. With time.