You can tell by the state of my room that they let me out too soon...
I'm trying very hard to stay in good spirits, no matter what fucks with me. But when night comes and I'm in my room, staring at the clock and literally watching the time pass... I wonder about who I am to people, and who they are to me. I get worried about my baby, and how these next three weeks will be. I hate myself for my past cruelty. I realize my immune system isn't strong against doses of my own medicine. I see my reflection and I wonder what it would look like if I had made different choices a year ago. I listen to the house, and when early morning hours come, I listen to my father come home, enter the kitchen, and then go to bed. Without my television on or my music playing, I just stare at the clock. I don't move until I become dehydrated or I have to use the bathroom. I don't move at all, and I wonder what someone would think of me if they could see me. I try to imagine myself voicing my mind instead of taking every rape of emotion in silence.
I have no enemies. There is no reason anyone can have to hate me. Dislike me, ignore me, avoid me.... but not hate. I realize this. And I have no reason for mentioning it.
One day at a time. One hour at a time. Each minute passing, I count the seconds and sometimes I even check my pulse. One day I am going to throw every clock I see into a wall.
I'm a whore, because I take it anywhere, anytime, and don't expect anything sacred in return. And I'm not relating this to sex.
I see certain people I care about crashing into rocks around me. All I can do is tell them I care, because I'm not one to have any idea how to help.
I got kissed today, by a man who made my life into a blur of mindless physical movement. Even now, around him, I feel powerless. I see images, and can still feel his hands. He was a secret part of my life, in a sense that I never told the whole truth about him. He was a Pharaoh, controlling every decision of the world he owned, and the people he claimed. Placing blame elsewhere, and causing chaos but always avoiding the war. Every command I followed led me to seclusion, surrounded only by him, his gifts of apathy brought on by narcotics, and his seduction to which I could not protest. I never needed to speak. There were no use for words. He never needed to lie. Honesty was a twin to Deception.
Time has come for another restless night. I am not depressed this evening, just a little preoccupied in my mind.
I have no enemies. There is no reason anyone can have to hate me. Dislike me, ignore me, avoid me.... but not hate. I realize this. And I have no reason for mentioning it.
One day at a time. One hour at a time. Each minute passing, I count the seconds and sometimes I even check my pulse. One day I am going to throw every clock I see into a wall.
I'm a whore, because I take it anywhere, anytime, and don't expect anything sacred in return. And I'm not relating this to sex.
I see certain people I care about crashing into rocks around me. All I can do is tell them I care, because I'm not one to have any idea how to help.
I got kissed today, by a man who made my life into a blur of mindless physical movement. Even now, around him, I feel powerless. I see images, and can still feel his hands. He was a secret part of my life, in a sense that I never told the whole truth about him. He was a Pharaoh, controlling every decision of the world he owned, and the people he claimed. Placing blame elsewhere, and causing chaos but always avoiding the war. Every command I followed led me to seclusion, surrounded only by him, his gifts of apathy brought on by narcotics, and his seduction to which I could not protest. I never needed to speak. There were no use for words. He never needed to lie. Honesty was a twin to Deception.
Time has come for another restless night. I am not depressed this evening, just a little preoccupied in my mind.