when it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again...
***This is a rant that most people wont get. Skip ahead if you have no idea what I'm talking about***
Every once and awhile, at least for these past 2 and a half years, I'll go on some wild tangent about how I miss dance... or how I hated it... or how I wish I could go back... or how I don't feel good enough, or in shape enough, or skinny enough, or disciplined enough... or how maybe I still could.... maybe it isn't too late.
And I've reminissed about it in the past, formerly with much more colorful language, with lots of crying and regret... because somehow I feel like it's a part of me. I've had these dreams and this destiny inside of me and I've tried so hard to shove it down... I've tried so hard to fight it... but deep in my heart, in all of my heart, really, I know that this is my passion... And I know it so plainly... more and more each day I think about it... About going back. About being a -real- dancer. Not some pansy church worship dancer. I'm not putting that down... But my heart is for a real stage... in a real tutu.. That's my dream...
And for these past few weeks all I can hear in my head is that I have what it takes to be a star. My dance teacher said that about me. And then I think about it. You see "performers" all the stinkin time... people who dance with bright sequins and love the stage... My dance teacher was a principle in the Hamburg ballet... and over there, a star isn't just a performer... it's when dancing is a part of who you are. And I think about what he told my mom, and I cant reason it to be anything other than a real genuine star.
and then I think, but is that what I want... vainly enough, of course. I want it so bad. I want it more than anything in this world... But I think could God possibly want me to do this.. something so selfish.And I wonder if it could bring glory to him... or if I'd take it all away. And I think that I love missions... but it isn't my passion. I can honestly say that. I have a heart to dance. an anointing... And I shoved it away because I knew it was my destiny... and now I'm shoving it away because I dont think it ever could have been.
In the competeion I was in last February, the judge said that I had what it took to be huge, and that there was something special about my dancing. I got second place... But the girl who won, she didn't get anything like that.
I figure, auditions start in February... and the first one I look at is Julliard. How pathetic of me.
I feel like I'm lovesick over this "thing"... dance. And each day I see myself more clearly on a huge stage, in front of the auience, in the spotlight... And I wonder if that's actually me dancing, in my head, at least.
And I really wish it were, but I'm still not entirely sure.
I'm going crazy over this.
At least for a time, I have to choose between my passion, and this thing God has called me to. And I cant dance forever... And i don't want to lose any time.
I've already wasted 2.5 years.
And I don't know what to do.
God please, give me wisdom.Make my desires yours, and totally take over. Do whatever you want with me... but I cant do it on my own. You're my only hope.
~Foreverly
Every once and awhile, at least for these past 2 and a half years, I'll go on some wild tangent about how I miss dance... or how I hated it... or how I wish I could go back... or how I don't feel good enough, or in shape enough, or skinny enough, or disciplined enough... or how maybe I still could.... maybe it isn't too late.
And I've reminissed about it in the past, formerly with much more colorful language, with lots of crying and regret... because somehow I feel like it's a part of me. I've had these dreams and this destiny inside of me and I've tried so hard to shove it down... I've tried so hard to fight it... but deep in my heart, in all of my heart, really, I know that this is my passion... And I know it so plainly... more and more each day I think about it... About going back. About being a -real- dancer. Not some pansy church worship dancer. I'm not putting that down... But my heart is for a real stage... in a real tutu.. That's my dream...
And for these past few weeks all I can hear in my head is that I have what it takes to be a star. My dance teacher said that about me. And then I think about it. You see "performers" all the stinkin time... people who dance with bright sequins and love the stage... My dance teacher was a principle in the Hamburg ballet... and over there, a star isn't just a performer... it's when dancing is a part of who you are. And I think about what he told my mom, and I cant reason it to be anything other than a real genuine star.
and then I think, but is that what I want... vainly enough, of course. I want it so bad. I want it more than anything in this world... But I think could God possibly want me to do this.. something so selfish.And I wonder if it could bring glory to him... or if I'd take it all away. And I think that I love missions... but it isn't my passion. I can honestly say that. I have a heart to dance. an anointing... And I shoved it away because I knew it was my destiny... and now I'm shoving it away because I dont think it ever could have been.
In the competeion I was in last February, the judge said that I had what it took to be huge, and that there was something special about my dancing. I got second place... But the girl who won, she didn't get anything like that.
I figure, auditions start in February... and the first one I look at is Julliard. How pathetic of me.
I feel like I'm lovesick over this "thing"... dance. And each day I see myself more clearly on a huge stage, in front of the auience, in the spotlight... And I wonder if that's actually me dancing, in my head, at least.
And I really wish it were, but I'm still not entirely sure.
I'm going crazy over this.
At least for a time, I have to choose between my passion, and this thing God has called me to. And I cant dance forever... And i don't want to lose any time.
I've already wasted 2.5 years.
And I don't know what to do.
God please, give me wisdom.Make my desires yours, and totally take over. Do whatever you want with me... but I cant do it on my own. You're my only hope.
~Foreverly