(no subject)
That's Chris and I on his birthday on January 14th. This is his second birthday that I've spent with him. It's crazy how time has flew so much and here I am, still seeing Chris. The reason why I'm doing this entry is because I wanted to talk about a few things.
I've been seeing Chris for over a year and half, mostly on and off. but we have been on since August. And our relationship couldn't have been better. He is a completely different person than he used to be before when we first started dating. I asked him about this "change" and he said it was because he wasn't "all in" before but now he is. I know he was telling the truth because he started doing things that he never did before - like kiss me in public (not very often becaues he hates PDA but he does it because he knows I love it). He changed his status on facebook immediately after asking me back out, he didn't care if other people knew whether he was in a relationship or not. And just recently I changed my status from "in a relationship" to "in a relationship with Chris Haroldson" and he's done the same.
Anyway, so after we grew together so much like this, I started having stronger feelings for him. I wasn't sure what it was because the last time I had loved someone was Mike. Everyone knows Mike and the story. Anyway, I didn't come to terms with the feelings though because I had kind of been repressing them bceaues I knew Chris was leaving to Lousiana. He is leaving for 6 months for cropdusting school. I was basically afraid that we wouldnt work out when he was gone because we barely could make it work when he lived in Jamestown, which is an hour and half away from Fargo. But that was a long time ago, now we've been together 5 months non-stop all the way with no break up in between, we have REALLY made the tiny long distance work. Even when he worked 60+ hours a week we still managed to see eachother at least once a week. But Louisiana was always in my mind and for some reason it kind of kept me holding back.
Until one night. Chris was here in Fargo and staying with me because it was Joey (his brother in law's brother and also frat brother) was graduating so he had a graduation party at the hotel. We went and I didn't plan on drinking but Joey's wife, Traci and Traci's brother, Todd, who I call Dirtymouth all pressured me into drinking. I gave in and soon enough I was buzzing pretty good. We all had tons of fun at the graduation party and we then decided to head out to the Chub's - a bar in north Fargo. Chris was sober so he was driving. We got there and I drank a few Long Island Tea's. I wasn't terribly drunk but I had a great buzz and I decided to stop drinking because I didn't to be smashed. Anyway, time flew and it was already 2. So we all got in my car and Chris took off toward the hotel to drop Joey and Traci off.
That was when Traci and I started talking. For some reason Traci and I started talking about Kyle - Chris's old roomamte at the frat house and how Kyle has a crush on me and how Chris can even handle that. Traci was like that's only because Chris knows that Kyle is a tool and only girls that are looking for night-stands goes for Kyle, plus Kyle idolizes Chris. I answered by saying "yeah, not only that I think that Chris knows that he's my world and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that." I also joked that she should tell Chris to hurry up with the "i love you" thing and she said she had said it first when Joe went to Iraq, and with the right nudge to the right direction, it couldn't go wrong.
Then that's when I started thinking obsessively about him leaving to Louisiana. We dropped Traci and Joey off and Traci told me, "good luck!" After we dropped them off, we headed to my place. THat was when i started thinking about Louisiana and Chris leaving and I actually started tearing up and had tears rolling down my face. I was like, "fuck fuck fuck, now is not the time to cry!" But just my luck, Chris tapped me on the shoulder to say something. I was frozen... I was trying to stop my tears but I couldn't, so I just wiped my face and looked at him. I would never forget the look on his face, he was shocked and instantly was worried. He asked what's wrong, I started laughing and said nothing. I was way embarrassed. We arrived at my place and we went inside. By then I had stopped crying but I looked like I had JUST cried, you know? Reddish eyes, nose, etc. So I just went to the bathroom to freshen up and then took Monty outside, so by then I looked normal. Chris was looking at me intently, waiting to find out what was wrong. I was determined NOT to tell him because as I had already told Traci, I didn't want to tell him how strong feelings for him becaues I had a huge fear of scaring him off. This had happened before, when we first started dating I had blurted out that I was crazy about him. Soon after that we stopped seeing each other much and I knew it was because I said that. He didn't admit that until about a few weeks later and I asked why, it wasn't really a big deal, it just meant I liked him alot? So what? But either way he was kinda scared off. I didn't understand then but now I know that time he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship and being "all-in" becaues of the problems with his dad and him dying.
Anyway, so we got into bed and he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. He insisted I tell him, I said no, he would only be scared off so no. He then tried to read my conversation with Traci and I deleted it and made a new note so he couldn't read it anymore. He tried to guess on what we were talking about but he really had no idea. I told him that I didn't think I should tell him becaues of what happened before. He was like, "oh ok." And that just really pissed me off becaues that's what he does all the time so I just was like, "see?" And he said "haha." That was when I got even more upset and started bawling, turned over with my back to him. He pulled me closer and tried to get me to turn over, i was like NO! Leave me alone! He asked if we could talk about this tomorrow and I was like "No. It's stupid to talk about it tomorrow because then it wouldn't mean as much as it would mean right now, and I know that if you waited till tomorrow, I would never tell you or want to talk abou this again."
Poor kid was so lost, lol, he was like, "All of this is so confusing." So when he said that I just basically decided to tell him. To hell with my fear, to hell with being scared, just to hell with it! So I blurted, "you're leaving to Louisiana and I'm sad because I am absolutely crazy about you to the point tha tI love you and I don't really want to lose you." And even after that he was still confused - he asked me if I thought that we would be over once he was gone to Louisiana. I basically said yes because of what happened last time when I said "I'm crazy about you." He laughed and said it wasn't going to happen. He was happy with me and even if he was gone to Lousiaiana we would still work together, I could still go see him down there and he would come up here sometimes, and it's only for 6 months and time would fly. I was incredulous, I saked him he's not scared at all? He said, "Why should I be?"
So I trusted him that he wasn't freaked out about it... and still to this day he still isn't freaked out about it. He hasn't said "it" back to me and that is becaues I told him not to say it just because I said it. I said I loved him on my own time and I wanted the same thing for him - I wanted him to tell me on his own time. But the funny thing is when I am with him I know that he feels the same way, I mean there's just no way to explain the secret look he gives me or the actions that he does, they speak louder than words.
Yeah. For the first time in many, many years since when I was about 19, I finally feel good about a relatoinship that I am in. I don't really have any doubts in Chris and I anymore, we get along very well, we rarely ever fight, we just are very compatible. Hell, everyone jokes that we are married now - and very oddly enough I'm not even freaked out about the concept of marriage with him. I'm against marriage becaues I just don't think I would ever be ready to be really taking such a risk... and what's the difference between marriage and co-habitation anyway? Marriage costs money... when love shouldn't cost money. Anyway, that's a discussion for another time.
My bed is calling my name. Nite, world.