a pack and a half a day . . .
today has been long, it's felt as though i've been pacing in the same circle for over a month now. i feel that i've finally found the holy grail, the meaning of life, the reason breath still escapes my lips . . . true happiness. i have been unable to wash the smile off of my face for awhile now, but tonight it not only washed away but became a memory which seems too far away to have ever been real. i'm not feeling too great, which could be credited to the jack daniels in my blood stream, the smoke in my lungs, or perhaps something in the water i suppose. either way, the villan in this story seems to be gaining the upper hand, and i can't say i'd want it anyother way. on a side note, i've been writing a lot lately, nothing profound, but it hasn't been terrible. i wish that i could write the masterpiece worthy of t.s. elliot or at least something people read and felt changed by. i want to wake up at 12, write until 4 or 5, and then drink until i pass out. but in europe. no mr.george w. bush, new scenery, new people, just something to break routine. i have yet to determine the purpose of this entry, partly because i don't believe there is one. funny how quickly one's mindset can change. i'm now praying to a god i've lost faith in because i want to maintain my happiness and not have something wonderful slip through my hands. i guess that in reality i can only hold so much sand, some of it is bound to fall through the cracks. which grains will stay and which will end up on the floor? only time will tell.