(no subject)
I want you to know that I was literally scared of this thing. I've been crying to Cameron on the phone the last couple of nights about college and being scared of whats ahead. I thought to myself about coming here to write or going crying to my parents or sister for comfort instead of distraction (I really almost did that except that I care too much about my exhausted parents sleep and I figured I could put off facing reality one more night if I've done it this long) but as you can see as these posts are so few and far between that I choose to ignore this time and time again. And now I have on music that makes me think instead of drowns me out and the TV is off and I'm by myself and I am scared shitless. My hope is that I'll come out of this with a renewed faith in myself and some strength for getting myself through the next few months but fuck. FUCK i'm scared.
well here it goes. I feel like lately i've been hiding. its no secret that this hasn't been one of the good years for me, and i'm guessing that i'm just scared to live again. i've spent so much time with cameron, and i love him, GOD do i love him, but he is definitely my "i dont want to think" friend. he's so good with me when i'm breaking down or scared and he loves me, but he doesn't push me. so i have been staying in the same spot, the same safe spot, always talking to and loving him and not letting myself feel much else about anything else. i'm so scared that i'm going to lose him. i think that the coming years will bring people that might be better for me technically than him, and i know that our relationship is sort of fucked up, but the absolute and unbelievable amount of love i have for that stupid kid astounds me sometimes. how else am i supposed to feel about basically the only person with endless patience and love for me in the worst period of my life thus far. he loves me so much that even in my darkest nights i can't convinced myself i am unloved because its just so unwavering and overwhelming. not complicated or deep, just BIG. and why? i have absolutely no idea what happened to bring us together. we are so so different and we disagree about so many things. i can never lose him. it just cant happen. i wont let it happen.
the other day when we "broke up" officially and like. basically we were supposed to have been broken up but we kept kissing and flirting and frustrating the hell out of each other. i always had this fear with him (romantically) that he didn't love me or that his feelings for me werent as real as mine or something. then when we broke up it was over the phone and very businesslike and unemotional. after everything we had been through, that wasn't good enough for me. so we went out to the car and we were just sort of talking and kissing and it was painful. and i was like "i dont want to go home because i know that i've decided this has to be the end" and then we kissed some more and i looked him straight in the eye and said "this is it. i love you and we both need it to end, okay?" and he sort looked at me for a second and then kissed me like he was scared, and i pulled back and looked at him and said "okay?" and he grabbed me again and didn't do anything but look at me like he was really, really looking at me. he had yet to answer me. so i said "okay?" with that he pulled me in and kissed me like he didn't know what else to do, there was a lot of emotion and it was hard to pull myself away. finally he was breathing sortof hard and holding me a little too tight, so i pulled back and said into his ear "i love you, okay?" and with tears in his eyes he chokes out "okay." and then he holds me and then i pull back and i get all teary from seeing him get teary because i have never seen him cry, especially over me. and i tried hiding it but i suck at that. and he says in this devastated voice "don't cry" which just makes me cry harder and then he just pulls me into the biggest warmest bear hug in his stupid giant shirt that smells like him and i cry into his shoulder and he says the sweetest words he could have said to me. "i love you, i love you SO much, and i will always love you and i will never leave you. i promise." the words that i needed to hear exactly when i needed to hear them. i sobbed, naturally. and he pulled me closer to him and says "i promise you, okay?" and i, dissolved in tears, says "okay." i lean back again and look at him and he looks at me and says "one more time" and kisses me so fast. and out of instinct i sortof scoffed and said "nuh uh" and gave him a really long sweet kiss with the tears and the really careful touching on the back and the neck and then it was over. it was so sweet and so wonderful and so. GOD. like, i know that i am a bit overdramatic sometimes and a bit overemotional sometimes but i LOVE intense moments like that and my life can be absolutely dripping with them sometimes. from this boy that has been the framework of my clumsy life for close to two and a half years. and i will always have that. you can't take it away from me if you wanted to. and he sent me a text that basically told me how much he loved me and how much he cried after i left. how he listened to our song "all my life" by k-ci and jojo (we danced to it at prom, it was so sweet.) and lost it. i LOVE HIM. god. this whole post has been about him. time to focus. but really. he deserves lots of posts. i love him so freaking much.
i guess i talk about him so much because he has kindof defined me lately. he helps me feel strong and hes always there to talk to when im bored and always ready to hang out and damn, i fall asleep with him on the phone after talking for hours almost every night. i think that tonight when he went to a party and i got so jealous (and nervous. apparently hes a giant flirt when drunk) and i realized that i was jealous not just because no one better touch him or i will shank a bitch, but because without him to text me or just be there all the time i didn't know what to do with myself. i was telling him the other night that i've abandoned a lot of the things that i feel like define me (the kind of music i listen to, this, reading, my general chillness and intellect and profoundness...jesus) and i feel sort of lost. going to college on my own is what is pushing me to work on this because i cant imagine having to live my life all alone for the first time in my life without feeling like i know who i am. i want to know that i'm not crazy for still sometimes wanting to stay home with my playlist and my computer instead of going out. or really really not wanting to party? that shit is not fun. i do not enjoy word vomit. i've worked my whole life to keep myself from saying stupid shit, why in the world would i drink disgusting poison that makes me say stupid shit and feel like im dying the next day. dumb. i feel like i've also become kindof a cruder and meaner version of myself that i dont really like. i want to believe in the beautiful and simple things again without feeling like i'm just wishing to be niave. i dont really think thats niave. to want love and nature and honesty and a life without all the bullshit. not complications, necessarily, because i, of all people, understand that complications can shape us and sometimes lead to some pretty amazing people and experiences in our lives, but i dont want the bullshit; i dont want to waste my time. i think thats what frustrates me the most about the catatonic state i've been in. scratch that. catatonic was december before when my life was falling apart. this is like hibernation. i'm okay, i'm just not vibrant. aren't i vibrant person? dont i want to be vibrant? i want that. i dont want tommy to think i dont like everyone or that i dont like doing anything or that i only ever cry. i mean, i HAVE A LIFE WHEN I WANT ONE.
i think that college excites and scares me because it means so much of making my own decisions. and i still, after all of this, believe in taking risks when you believe in something, but i also understand more than ever that taking risks means that its not always going to turn out the way you want it to and...what if i fuck up again? i really just want to be happy. and i think i'm capable. is it wrong that i feel like i have to prove that to people? look, i needed you, i was miserable and i was sad and i am sad a lot but thats sortof who i am and it makes my happiness all the more important to me. but i can be happy! i can love my life and i can be funny and shit. everyone has forgotten that! maybe i even forgot that.
this is what i know about myself: there are some respects where i am awesome. because i am in my 19th year of life and i have more self esteem than i used to and because i have been told over and over again that i am kind and that i am deep and that people respect that about me. so why not use that? i know that i am strong. not all the time, but overall in my life i have been a strong person. i know that i can be whatever i want to be and that i just can't be scared of myself. because i know that even though things get really rocky every once in a while i want to live my life for me. not for cameron, not for my mom and dad, not for anyone but myself. because THAT makes me happy.
well here it goes. I feel like lately i've been hiding. its no secret that this hasn't been one of the good years for me, and i'm guessing that i'm just scared to live again. i've spent so much time with cameron, and i love him, GOD do i love him, but he is definitely my "i dont want to think" friend. he's so good with me when i'm breaking down or scared and he loves me, but he doesn't push me. so i have been staying in the same spot, the same safe spot, always talking to and loving him and not letting myself feel much else about anything else. i'm so scared that i'm going to lose him. i think that the coming years will bring people that might be better for me technically than him, and i know that our relationship is sort of fucked up, but the absolute and unbelievable amount of love i have for that stupid kid astounds me sometimes. how else am i supposed to feel about basically the only person with endless patience and love for me in the worst period of my life thus far. he loves me so much that even in my darkest nights i can't convinced myself i am unloved because its just so unwavering and overwhelming. not complicated or deep, just BIG. and why? i have absolutely no idea what happened to bring us together. we are so so different and we disagree about so many things. i can never lose him. it just cant happen. i wont let it happen.
the other day when we "broke up" officially and like. basically we were supposed to have been broken up but we kept kissing and flirting and frustrating the hell out of each other. i always had this fear with him (romantically) that he didn't love me or that his feelings for me werent as real as mine or something. then when we broke up it was over the phone and very businesslike and unemotional. after everything we had been through, that wasn't good enough for me. so we went out to the car and we were just sort of talking and kissing and it was painful. and i was like "i dont want to go home because i know that i've decided this has to be the end" and then we kissed some more and i looked him straight in the eye and said "this is it. i love you and we both need it to end, okay?" and he sort looked at me for a second and then kissed me like he was scared, and i pulled back and looked at him and said "okay?" and he grabbed me again and didn't do anything but look at me like he was really, really looking at me. he had yet to answer me. so i said "okay?" with that he pulled me in and kissed me like he didn't know what else to do, there was a lot of emotion and it was hard to pull myself away. finally he was breathing sortof hard and holding me a little too tight, so i pulled back and said into his ear "i love you, okay?" and with tears in his eyes he chokes out "okay." and then he holds me and then i pull back and i get all teary from seeing him get teary because i have never seen him cry, especially over me. and i tried hiding it but i suck at that. and he says in this devastated voice "don't cry" which just makes me cry harder and then he just pulls me into the biggest warmest bear hug in his stupid giant shirt that smells like him and i cry into his shoulder and he says the sweetest words he could have said to me. "i love you, i love you SO much, and i will always love you and i will never leave you. i promise." the words that i needed to hear exactly when i needed to hear them. i sobbed, naturally. and he pulled me closer to him and says "i promise you, okay?" and i, dissolved in tears, says "okay." i lean back again and look at him and he looks at me and says "one more time" and kisses me so fast. and out of instinct i sortof scoffed and said "nuh uh" and gave him a really long sweet kiss with the tears and the really careful touching on the back and the neck and then it was over. it was so sweet and so wonderful and so. GOD. like, i know that i am a bit overdramatic sometimes and a bit overemotional sometimes but i LOVE intense moments like that and my life can be absolutely dripping with them sometimes. from this boy that has been the framework of my clumsy life for close to two and a half years. and i will always have that. you can't take it away from me if you wanted to. and he sent me a text that basically told me how much he loved me and how much he cried after i left. how he listened to our song "all my life" by k-ci and jojo (we danced to it at prom, it was so sweet.) and lost it. i LOVE HIM. god. this whole post has been about him. time to focus. but really. he deserves lots of posts. i love him so freaking much.
i guess i talk about him so much because he has kindof defined me lately. he helps me feel strong and hes always there to talk to when im bored and always ready to hang out and damn, i fall asleep with him on the phone after talking for hours almost every night. i think that tonight when he went to a party and i got so jealous (and nervous. apparently hes a giant flirt when drunk) and i realized that i was jealous not just because no one better touch him or i will shank a bitch, but because without him to text me or just be there all the time i didn't know what to do with myself. i was telling him the other night that i've abandoned a lot of the things that i feel like define me (the kind of music i listen to, this, reading, my general chillness and intellect and profoundness...jesus) and i feel sort of lost. going to college on my own is what is pushing me to work on this because i cant imagine having to live my life all alone for the first time in my life without feeling like i know who i am. i want to know that i'm not crazy for still sometimes wanting to stay home with my playlist and my computer instead of going out. or really really not wanting to party? that shit is not fun. i do not enjoy word vomit. i've worked my whole life to keep myself from saying stupid shit, why in the world would i drink disgusting poison that makes me say stupid shit and feel like im dying the next day. dumb. i feel like i've also become kindof a cruder and meaner version of myself that i dont really like. i want to believe in the beautiful and simple things again without feeling like i'm just wishing to be niave. i dont really think thats niave. to want love and nature and honesty and a life without all the bullshit. not complications, necessarily, because i, of all people, understand that complications can shape us and sometimes lead to some pretty amazing people and experiences in our lives, but i dont want the bullshit; i dont want to waste my time. i think thats what frustrates me the most about the catatonic state i've been in. scratch that. catatonic was december before when my life was falling apart. this is like hibernation. i'm okay, i'm just not vibrant. aren't i vibrant person? dont i want to be vibrant? i want that. i dont want tommy to think i dont like everyone or that i dont like doing anything or that i only ever cry. i mean, i HAVE A LIFE WHEN I WANT ONE.
i think that college excites and scares me because it means so much of making my own decisions. and i still, after all of this, believe in taking risks when you believe in something, but i also understand more than ever that taking risks means that its not always going to turn out the way you want it to and...what if i fuck up again? i really just want to be happy. and i think i'm capable. is it wrong that i feel like i have to prove that to people? look, i needed you, i was miserable and i was sad and i am sad a lot but thats sortof who i am and it makes my happiness all the more important to me. but i can be happy! i can love my life and i can be funny and shit. everyone has forgotten that! maybe i even forgot that.
this is what i know about myself: there are some respects where i am awesome. because i am in my 19th year of life and i have more self esteem than i used to and because i have been told over and over again that i am kind and that i am deep and that people respect that about me. so why not use that? i know that i am strong. not all the time, but overall in my life i have been a strong person. i know that i can be whatever i want to be and that i just can't be scared of myself. because i know that even though things get really rocky every once in a while i want to live my life for me. not for cameron, not for my mom and dad, not for anyone but myself. because THAT makes me happy.