(no subject)
i write this to myself
as a declaration to uphold a standard of living
to which if i were asked if i would change a thing,
id say i woudlnt.
i dont ever want to hear the echos of slamming doors
followed by agitatedly paced steps down and up the hall
back to the door to crash open and scream a stanza, slam and repeat.
relationships cant be built on complexes.
they cant be saved by love,
or solidified by trust.
and i pause to dictate my surroundings:
"you started it!!
you stop it!!
you cant stop it!!
if you dont like it,
then fuckin leave!!!
just fuckin shut the door,
and leave.
you talk to me like im a piece of dirt in your life."
"im trying to make more intamacy with you and try to tell you nicely thing you need to do.unlock the door."
"i didnt lock the door."
maybe your life got better for you when you retired,
but it didnt for me"
door slam:
footsteps down hall.
crying.
wimpering.
muffled cursing and rambling from other room.
crying.
footsteps back down the hall.
"everytime i try to talk, but if you dont like it you just tell me to hit the road.
i miss my own life. but you wont let me talk to you about it, but you wont let yourself understand. i just want you to comfort me."
"i dont have to stay here, just liek you dont.
what ever mood you wanna walk out of the room in."
door slam.
door open.
go out of the room.
door slam.
door open.
rumbling.
chasing down the hall.
"you better calm the fuck down woman or im gonna call the cops to come pick your crazy ass up"
silence....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
muffled cursing.
rambling.
"what the fuck did i do,
fuckin stupid ass bitch!
inchorent cursing/name calling.
silence.
muffled cursing.
you can go live with somebody else with you neh neh neh neh
fuck this bull shit
i cant live with this stupid ass
for 30 fucking years and im over and done with
you stupid ass
neh neh nhe
crying from the living room.
gasping crying from the living room.
silence.
.
.
.
.
incorherent mumbled crying and panting mixed with words
"you have no idea how hard it is for me to go outside when i feel like this
you stupid ass."
door quietly shuts.
gasping crying from the living room.
silence from the bedroom.
and finally now it has gone on so long,
it is merely background noise
to which i must overcome and perceiver.
that has pretty much been what my family life has always been like.
im trying leave my child hood as just that.
my adult life has already started
and things like this i dont want to be a part of it.
these are not examples of healthy relationships.
i need to be more open,
and honest,
sincere,
and patient.
but for now
as i sit in a room that i wish had thicker walls and padded doors.
i need to force myself to sleep to get up and go to work early.
looks like old habits will always be good friends.
have a beer and some smoke,
what else is such a lonely man to do.
i have no family i have no friends.
not even a pet anymore.
i have a job.
a pretty damn decent job,
that i for once can say i really like and can do it everyday with an honest heart.
ill make it out of here.
i didnt know it, but im already on my way.
as a declaration to uphold a standard of living
to which if i were asked if i would change a thing,
id say i woudlnt.
i dont ever want to hear the echos of slamming doors
followed by agitatedly paced steps down and up the hall
back to the door to crash open and scream a stanza, slam and repeat.
relationships cant be built on complexes.
they cant be saved by love,
or solidified by trust.
and i pause to dictate my surroundings:
"you started it!!
you stop it!!
you cant stop it!!
if you dont like it,
then fuckin leave!!!
just fuckin shut the door,
and leave.
you talk to me like im a piece of dirt in your life."
"im trying to make more intamacy with you and try to tell you nicely thing you need to do.unlock the door."
"i didnt lock the door."
maybe your life got better for you when you retired,
but it didnt for me"
door slam:
footsteps down hall.
crying.
wimpering.
muffled cursing and rambling from other room.
crying.
footsteps back down the hall.
"everytime i try to talk, but if you dont like it you just tell me to hit the road.
i miss my own life. but you wont let me talk to you about it, but you wont let yourself understand. i just want you to comfort me."
"i dont have to stay here, just liek you dont.
what ever mood you wanna walk out of the room in."
door slam.
door open.
go out of the room.
door slam.
door open.
rumbling.
chasing down the hall.
"you better calm the fuck down woman or im gonna call the cops to come pick your crazy ass up"
silence....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
muffled cursing.
rambling.
"what the fuck did i do,
fuckin stupid ass bitch!
inchorent cursing/name calling.
silence.
muffled cursing.
you can go live with somebody else with you neh neh neh neh
fuck this bull shit
i cant live with this stupid ass
for 30 fucking years and im over and done with
you stupid ass
neh neh nhe
crying from the living room.
gasping crying from the living room.
silence.
.
.
.
.
incorherent mumbled crying and panting mixed with words
"you have no idea how hard it is for me to go outside when i feel like this
you stupid ass."
door quietly shuts.
gasping crying from the living room.
silence from the bedroom.
and finally now it has gone on so long,
it is merely background noise
to which i must overcome and perceiver.
that has pretty much been what my family life has always been like.
im trying leave my child hood as just that.
my adult life has already started
and things like this i dont want to be a part of it.
these are not examples of healthy relationships.
i need to be more open,
and honest,
sincere,
and patient.
but for now
as i sit in a room that i wish had thicker walls and padded doors.
i need to force myself to sleep to get up and go to work early.
looks like old habits will always be good friends.
have a beer and some smoke,
what else is such a lonely man to do.
i have no family i have no friends.
not even a pet anymore.
i have a job.
a pretty damn decent job,
that i for once can say i really like and can do it everyday with an honest heart.
ill make it out of here.
i didnt know it, but im already on my way.