(no subject)
Several minutes ago I was driving home with my dad. I had turned on the CD player and selected my favorite song. Suddenly, I remembered a funny story I wanted to tell my dad. As the CD began to play, I began to speak. When I finished the story there was a long pause, so my mind shifted to singing along to the CD. At that moment, my dad and I both realize we are listening to my mom's book on tape.
I have sat down to write this entry so many times. I would think about what I wanted to say and then decide I wanted to delete it. One time, I got so far as to actually write almost a full entry only to have it deleted by my computer. Maybe not writing what I really wanted to say was a good thing. It sounds so trivial and stupid. Everytime I want to write this entry some event stops me. I realize my life isn't as horrible as I perceive it, sometimes. Everytime I sit down to write this entry an event occurs and I realize things happen to everyone so why should mine be important. So many things have happened lately; suicide, car accidents, death, and friendships that just don't seem right.
Well, today I saw Raised In Capativity. It changed my view on writing this entry. While watching it, I realized that, yes, my feelings might be trivial compared to someone elses but thats not whats important. My feelings are important to me and thats what counts. I don't need to validate my opinions for anyone else. Not that anyone was asking me to, but I always felt obligated. Well, not anymore. I am breaking free of the chains that make me feel guilty when I happy when others are not. I am breaking free of the chains that make me feel like a horrible person for having problems of my own, when others are having much bigger problems. I am breaking free.
Obviously I have prefaced this way more than needed, or even intended, but I needed to. I needed to see in writing that it is okay to have problems. Everyone is human. The CD incident was the final straw today. It just shows how little I have done this summer. I need adventure, but I don't know where to find it. The summer is officially half over this weekend and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Obviously, I know this is not true. Nothing is ever good enough for me. This can sometimes be a good and annoying thing othertimes it can be just plain annoying. Sometimes I strive for the unacheivable. Sometimes I hate that I do it, because I usually disappointment myself. But othertimes, I actually do the unacheivable and I am so proud of myself for pushing myself. I guess I get it from my mom. Even when I was little she pushed me to try everything and anything. I thank her for that. I have learned that I can do so many things that I never thought possible. She taught me to try things and not give up because you might turn out to enjoy yourself. I thank her for that gift.
I have talked to so many people who feel the same way about not doing anything this summer. We ended in June late, and are going start early in August. Talk about not being fair. I mean, I really want to be a sophomore and I cannot wait to take photography but I feel like we just got out of school for summer. Last year was great, but I worked my butt off. I really need this time to relax. I know next year is going to be a hell of a lot harder. So if any of you have a good idea for an adventure, please let me in on it.
I have sat down to write this entry so many times. I would think about what I wanted to say and then decide I wanted to delete it. One time, I got so far as to actually write almost a full entry only to have it deleted by my computer. Maybe not writing what I really wanted to say was a good thing. It sounds so trivial and stupid. Everytime I want to write this entry some event stops me. I realize my life isn't as horrible as I perceive it, sometimes. Everytime I sit down to write this entry an event occurs and I realize things happen to everyone so why should mine be important. So many things have happened lately; suicide, car accidents, death, and friendships that just don't seem right.
Well, today I saw Raised In Capativity. It changed my view on writing this entry. While watching it, I realized that, yes, my feelings might be trivial compared to someone elses but thats not whats important. My feelings are important to me and thats what counts. I don't need to validate my opinions for anyone else. Not that anyone was asking me to, but I always felt obligated. Well, not anymore. I am breaking free of the chains that make me feel guilty when I happy when others are not. I am breaking free of the chains that make me feel like a horrible person for having problems of my own, when others are having much bigger problems. I am breaking free.
Obviously I have prefaced this way more than needed, or even intended, but I needed to. I needed to see in writing that it is okay to have problems. Everyone is human. The CD incident was the final straw today. It just shows how little I have done this summer. I need adventure, but I don't know where to find it. The summer is officially half over this weekend and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Obviously, I know this is not true. Nothing is ever good enough for me. This can sometimes be a good and annoying thing othertimes it can be just plain annoying. Sometimes I strive for the unacheivable. Sometimes I hate that I do it, because I usually disappointment myself. But othertimes, I actually do the unacheivable and I am so proud of myself for pushing myself. I guess I get it from my mom. Even when I was little she pushed me to try everything and anything. I thank her for that. I have learned that I can do so many things that I never thought possible. She taught me to try things and not give up because you might turn out to enjoy yourself. I thank her for that gift.
I have talked to so many people who feel the same way about not doing anything this summer. We ended in June late, and are going start early in August. Talk about not being fair. I mean, I really want to be a sophomore and I cannot wait to take photography but I feel like we just got out of school for summer. Last year was great, but I worked my butt off. I really need this time to relax. I know next year is going to be a hell of a lot harder. So if any of you have a good idea for an adventure, please let me in on it.