whole lotta stuff..
Ahh, where do I begin? I almost never update my journal, or my blog, or whatever you happen to be reading (I'm posting this to more then one place). Even when something big happens/is going on, I rarely post about it. I just dont have the attention span or desire to regularly post. Or maybe I just don't have anything exciting enough to post about. Or maybe I have some predisposition towards putting the thoughts and events from my life up for all to see. Although that doesnt seem all that likely, considering I'm a pretty open person. I think it's more of a combo of the first two. Ah well, no matter what it is, I'm here now aren't I? So lets begin.
As most of you know (I do believe I've made a few posts about this before), I've went and signed up for the Navy. Now seeing as anyone reading this probably already knows, I'm not expecting much of an outcry of shock and suprise. But, if you know me, you do know it is something that even came to me as a suprise at first. I've always been someone that has been very against the military. Not against it in the fact that I think we don't need it, or that I think anyone who signs up is a fool. Quite the contrary, I have much respect for those who do, and I'm damn glad we have such a good military filled with dedicated men and women. What I mean, is that, FOR ME, I was always against it. I mean, I never really sat down and thought about it, but that was because I was so sure it would never be anything I wanted to/could do, so I never even bothered. But just awhile ago, a friend of mine told me she was signing up. At first I was really upset. Not because she decided to do that, but because she was leaving, and I wouldnt be able to see her anymore. I always considered her a decent friend, even though we spent quite awhile not really talking. It seemed so sad, that just as we started talking again this came about. But anyways, she was talking about it so much it got me thinking. Especially one thing she said, it was something along the lines of "All the problems I have right now, this will solve them". The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. And then all of a sudden I realized I was actually thinking about this thing. It kinda blew me away, and scared me at first. I even remember sitting in the car with her and looking at her and laughing and saying "Just shut up, cause youre gonna get me really thinking about this" heh,..and she did. I woke up one day and just realized that this, this is what I needed to do. Moreover it was what I WANTED to do. Then all of a sudden things looked so different. I became so excited. I couldnt stop thinking about it (I still can't). It literally is on my mind every second almost. They say the average guy thinks about sex like, once every 10 seconds or something crazy like that. Well this has got it beat definitly.
So after deciding this is what I wanted, I went down, talked to the recruiters, went through all the tests, and officially got sworn in, and all that good stuff.
Onto other things...
This certainly isnt a lighter note, infact its much darker, but, since I'm updating on all major events to happen, I guess I should speak about this...
If you know me well enough, you probably knew I had a niece that was very sick. When she was about 2 1/2 I think, she was diagnosed with cancer. She had alot of it, many parts of her body. It was a very hard thing to deal with, and she came close to making a good recovery, but never quite got there. Well, not to long ago, she did pass away, at only 4 years old. It was a very hard time, and I just first have to thank a good friend of mine who was there for me, and who came to the funeral with me. I know I never showed alot of emotion, even then, but its hard for me to express that kind of grief, especially on that level. Losing someone so young, its a terrible thing, and such a hard thing to come to terms with. I think the worst part of it all, was, I did not get to see her for about the last year or more of her life. Almost since she was diagnosed. It was always one thing or another that kept me from visiting her. Alot of it, due to the fact that it would be so hard to see such a young child in such pain, or hooked up to all those machines, or in whatever situation she might be in. I know that was selfish, but I couldnt help it. And most of the time, it was just too hard for me to get all the way to where she was. And of course, you know how fast life moves, before you realize it, a week has passed, then a month, then 2, then 6, then a year. And, before I ever got up the courage she passed. Infact towards the end, I almost thought it better if I never even went to see her. It would be easier on the both of us. I know she knew who I was, I was Uncle Jon, but, I thought, if she didnt see me, it would be easier on her, I didnt wanna confuse her anymore with another face, when she was so close. And I know it would be easier on me, at that point, if I just didnt see her. I just hope she knew her uncle loved her...But I did see her at the funeral, and I had to say, she looked beuatiful. Cierra, You'll be missed <3
Eh so sorry for posting such depressing stuff. But, I can only post whats on my mind, and this is what is.
Now just a bit earlier in this post, I was discussing how happy I was to join the Navy. And for the most part, this is still very true. But at the same time, I'm scared to death. Not of bootcamp, or going on a submarine or any of the real stuff that someone might be scared of. I'm scared of being alone..which, I'm sure is something atleast some people are scared of. But, I'm not really scared of being away from friends of family. As far as family is concerned I really dont have one, not that most people are used to atleast, so that doesnt bother me. And friends, well, I have a feeling I wont exactly be missed, so I'm not gonna be missing anyone very much. Everyone has more important things/people in their life to worry about one small person being gone. What I'm really scared of, (and this wont come as a suprise to anyone that really knows me), is being alone, and not having someone special to hold onto. Since I signed up, something has hit me really hard. I'm alone now. And that is gonna stay the same for a long long time. I know the chances of me finding someone now are so slim. I mean its always been hard for me to really find someone in the first place. And now that I'm going away in december (Yeah I dont know if I mentioned that, my ship date is towards the end of december), now that I'm leaving, who would wanna be with me. Not trying to sound depressed of pessimistic, just realistic. I wouldn't expect anyone to want to get involved with someone leaving in 6 months. I know it would be hard for me to do. So I just keep thinking, have I had my last real kiss, my last real hug, my last 'sit down-watch a movie- and cuddle' night? I mean atleast for awhile, cause I wont have much time to meet anyone while I'm underwater in a submarine with all guys.
It's just a hard thought. I mean, god I wish I could just get really lucky, meet someone wonderful, and have them love me enough to stick around and wait. Now thats wishful thinking huh? But man wouldnt it make the whole being away thing so much easier. To have someone to think of, and know theyre thinking of you. And yeah I'd miss them, and it would hurt, but, I think it would be a better type of hurt then having no one at all.
Ah well, that was just something I had to get out there and atleast talk about a little. It's hard for me to really explain but I hope some of you atleast get it.
And, since we're talking about girls already let me say, They drive me fucking crazy. I'll start from the begining and try to make it as brief as possible seeing as this is already getting kind of long.
Not too long ago, me and a friend started talking again. We hadn't really for like 2 years or so. It was so awesome to talk to her again. I was a little nervous at first, but when we hung out, it was just, great. We were able to really talk, and have intelligent conversation, and I had a great time with her. We started hanging out alot more, and I was just really happy. Now, ya see, in the past, I had quite a thing for her. Shes just a very pretty, smart, funny, just all around amazing girl. And this kinda ruined our friendship for one reason or another. She really never liked me like that, and it just kinda turned our friendship sour, and was a big reason we stopped talking (that and cause I turned into a jerk cause well, I just didnt know how to act anymore)...
..Well this time around I was determined not to make the same mistake twice. Her friendship meant way to much to me to ruin. But, as much as I tried, I couldnt help having feelings for her. If only more people saw her like I did, theyd probably understand. So, despite all my trying, I did develop feelings for her, and even though I couldnt control this, I still did my best not to let it affect my actions. And for awhile , I do believe I did a good job. But then, it became too hard. She was always so down on herself, and that was hard to watch while I felt so stongly for her, and when I knew she was so much better then she thought she was. And not to mention the fact, that I was damn near 100% sure she didnt think of me in this way at all, and wouldnt. But, just when I had myself convinced that, I was nothing but a friend to her, something, something small would happen. Now, I dont know if she'll read this, but if she does, I hope she just realizes I'm just posting things from my point of view, and I hope she can forgive me. But every once in awhile, something small would happen. For instance, just, laying her head on my lap while watching a movie, and maybe a little hand holding. Now, if shes reading this, she could very well be laughing, or upset, that I took something so small that had no real meaning in it, and took it as it meaning something. But I hope she can understand that, I knew it very well could have no meaning, but deep down, I really hoped it did. And when these small things did happen, I can't explain how happy they made me. But, everytime they did, I was always back down again in the not too distant future, because, it always seemed that after these things, she became, so distant to me. And the more time passed, the most constantly she became distant, to the point where we barely even talked anymore. And of course whenever I brought it up, I was always just being paranoid or looking into things too much. And I wanted so badly to tell her how I felt, so maybe she could understand, but I just knew it would ruin things, and I wanted to badly to still be her friend, because she meant so much to me.
But, things went on, and, now unfortunatly, the same thing that happend years ago happened again. She hates me, wont talk to me, and I'm stuck wondering what I could have done differently. Maybe if I had just told her. I dont know. But its too late now.
Anyways, as I am running out of time, I'm going to wrap this up shortly. Last thing I'd like to mention now is my band. You might remember the old band The Fail-Safe Method that broke up around a year ago. Since then of course, me and Dave have been working on new songs and we offically have the band back together again, with a friend of ours Shawn on drums. Most of you probably know all of this, but just an update for those who don't. I'm really excited about this band, (still named The Fail-Safe Method), and Im really excited about our songs and all. So check us out www.myspace.com/thefailsafemethod or purevolume.com/thefailsafemethod We got some poor quality songs up, but we'll get some better ones and some show dates up soon. So you can come check us out.
But I'm all drained right now, got nothing left to write, and, I gotta get ready for work. So, have fun reading this pretty much all around depressing post. Maybe you can expect more in the future, maybe not, I dont know. But here it is for now. Thanks for listening.
As most of you know (I do believe I've made a few posts about this before), I've went and signed up for the Navy. Now seeing as anyone reading this probably already knows, I'm not expecting much of an outcry of shock and suprise. But, if you know me, you do know it is something that even came to me as a suprise at first. I've always been someone that has been very against the military. Not against it in the fact that I think we don't need it, or that I think anyone who signs up is a fool. Quite the contrary, I have much respect for those who do, and I'm damn glad we have such a good military filled with dedicated men and women. What I mean, is that, FOR ME, I was always against it. I mean, I never really sat down and thought about it, but that was because I was so sure it would never be anything I wanted to/could do, so I never even bothered. But just awhile ago, a friend of mine told me she was signing up. At first I was really upset. Not because she decided to do that, but because she was leaving, and I wouldnt be able to see her anymore. I always considered her a decent friend, even though we spent quite awhile not really talking. It seemed so sad, that just as we started talking again this came about. But anyways, she was talking about it so much it got me thinking. Especially one thing she said, it was something along the lines of "All the problems I have right now, this will solve them". The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. And then all of a sudden I realized I was actually thinking about this thing. It kinda blew me away, and scared me at first. I even remember sitting in the car with her and looking at her and laughing and saying "Just shut up, cause youre gonna get me really thinking about this" heh,..and she did. I woke up one day and just realized that this, this is what I needed to do. Moreover it was what I WANTED to do. Then all of a sudden things looked so different. I became so excited. I couldnt stop thinking about it (I still can't). It literally is on my mind every second almost. They say the average guy thinks about sex like, once every 10 seconds or something crazy like that. Well this has got it beat definitly.
So after deciding this is what I wanted, I went down, talked to the recruiters, went through all the tests, and officially got sworn in, and all that good stuff.
Onto other things...
This certainly isnt a lighter note, infact its much darker, but, since I'm updating on all major events to happen, I guess I should speak about this...
If you know me well enough, you probably knew I had a niece that was very sick. When she was about 2 1/2 I think, she was diagnosed with cancer. She had alot of it, many parts of her body. It was a very hard thing to deal with, and she came close to making a good recovery, but never quite got there. Well, not to long ago, she did pass away, at only 4 years old. It was a very hard time, and I just first have to thank a good friend of mine who was there for me, and who came to the funeral with me. I know I never showed alot of emotion, even then, but its hard for me to express that kind of grief, especially on that level. Losing someone so young, its a terrible thing, and such a hard thing to come to terms with. I think the worst part of it all, was, I did not get to see her for about the last year or more of her life. Almost since she was diagnosed. It was always one thing or another that kept me from visiting her. Alot of it, due to the fact that it would be so hard to see such a young child in such pain, or hooked up to all those machines, or in whatever situation she might be in. I know that was selfish, but I couldnt help it. And most of the time, it was just too hard for me to get all the way to where she was. And of course, you know how fast life moves, before you realize it, a week has passed, then a month, then 2, then 6, then a year. And, before I ever got up the courage she passed. Infact towards the end, I almost thought it better if I never even went to see her. It would be easier on the both of us. I know she knew who I was, I was Uncle Jon, but, I thought, if she didnt see me, it would be easier on her, I didnt wanna confuse her anymore with another face, when she was so close. And I know it would be easier on me, at that point, if I just didnt see her. I just hope she knew her uncle loved her...But I did see her at the funeral, and I had to say, she looked beuatiful. Cierra, You'll be missed <3
Eh so sorry for posting such depressing stuff. But, I can only post whats on my mind, and this is what is.
Now just a bit earlier in this post, I was discussing how happy I was to join the Navy. And for the most part, this is still very true. But at the same time, I'm scared to death. Not of bootcamp, or going on a submarine or any of the real stuff that someone might be scared of. I'm scared of being alone..which, I'm sure is something atleast some people are scared of. But, I'm not really scared of being away from friends of family. As far as family is concerned I really dont have one, not that most people are used to atleast, so that doesnt bother me. And friends, well, I have a feeling I wont exactly be missed, so I'm not gonna be missing anyone very much. Everyone has more important things/people in their life to worry about one small person being gone. What I'm really scared of, (and this wont come as a suprise to anyone that really knows me), is being alone, and not having someone special to hold onto. Since I signed up, something has hit me really hard. I'm alone now. And that is gonna stay the same for a long long time. I know the chances of me finding someone now are so slim. I mean its always been hard for me to really find someone in the first place. And now that I'm going away in december (Yeah I dont know if I mentioned that, my ship date is towards the end of december), now that I'm leaving, who would wanna be with me. Not trying to sound depressed of pessimistic, just realistic. I wouldn't expect anyone to want to get involved with someone leaving in 6 months. I know it would be hard for me to do. So I just keep thinking, have I had my last real kiss, my last real hug, my last 'sit down-watch a movie- and cuddle' night? I mean atleast for awhile, cause I wont have much time to meet anyone while I'm underwater in a submarine with all guys.
It's just a hard thought. I mean, god I wish I could just get really lucky, meet someone wonderful, and have them love me enough to stick around and wait. Now thats wishful thinking huh? But man wouldnt it make the whole being away thing so much easier. To have someone to think of, and know theyre thinking of you. And yeah I'd miss them, and it would hurt, but, I think it would be a better type of hurt then having no one at all.
Ah well, that was just something I had to get out there and atleast talk about a little. It's hard for me to really explain but I hope some of you atleast get it.
And, since we're talking about girls already let me say, They drive me fucking crazy. I'll start from the begining and try to make it as brief as possible seeing as this is already getting kind of long.
Not too long ago, me and a friend started talking again. We hadn't really for like 2 years or so. It was so awesome to talk to her again. I was a little nervous at first, but when we hung out, it was just, great. We were able to really talk, and have intelligent conversation, and I had a great time with her. We started hanging out alot more, and I was just really happy. Now, ya see, in the past, I had quite a thing for her. Shes just a very pretty, smart, funny, just all around amazing girl. And this kinda ruined our friendship for one reason or another. She really never liked me like that, and it just kinda turned our friendship sour, and was a big reason we stopped talking (that and cause I turned into a jerk cause well, I just didnt know how to act anymore)...
..Well this time around I was determined not to make the same mistake twice. Her friendship meant way to much to me to ruin. But, as much as I tried, I couldnt help having feelings for her. If only more people saw her like I did, theyd probably understand. So, despite all my trying, I did develop feelings for her, and even though I couldnt control this, I still did my best not to let it affect my actions. And for awhile , I do believe I did a good job. But then, it became too hard. She was always so down on herself, and that was hard to watch while I felt so stongly for her, and when I knew she was so much better then she thought she was. And not to mention the fact, that I was damn near 100% sure she didnt think of me in this way at all, and wouldnt. But, just when I had myself convinced that, I was nothing but a friend to her, something, something small would happen. Now, I dont know if she'll read this, but if she does, I hope she just realizes I'm just posting things from my point of view, and I hope she can forgive me. But every once in awhile, something small would happen. For instance, just, laying her head on my lap while watching a movie, and maybe a little hand holding. Now, if shes reading this, she could very well be laughing, or upset, that I took something so small that had no real meaning in it, and took it as it meaning something. But I hope she can understand that, I knew it very well could have no meaning, but deep down, I really hoped it did. And when these small things did happen, I can't explain how happy they made me. But, everytime they did, I was always back down again in the not too distant future, because, it always seemed that after these things, she became, so distant to me. And the more time passed, the most constantly she became distant, to the point where we barely even talked anymore. And of course whenever I brought it up, I was always just being paranoid or looking into things too much. And I wanted so badly to tell her how I felt, so maybe she could understand, but I just knew it would ruin things, and I wanted to badly to still be her friend, because she meant so much to me.
But, things went on, and, now unfortunatly, the same thing that happend years ago happened again. She hates me, wont talk to me, and I'm stuck wondering what I could have done differently. Maybe if I had just told her. I dont know. But its too late now.
Anyways, as I am running out of time, I'm going to wrap this up shortly. Last thing I'd like to mention now is my band. You might remember the old band The Fail-Safe Method that broke up around a year ago. Since then of course, me and Dave have been working on new songs and we offically have the band back together again, with a friend of ours Shawn on drums. Most of you probably know all of this, but just an update for those who don't. I'm really excited about this band, (still named The Fail-Safe Method), and Im really excited about our songs and all. So check us out www.myspace.com/thefailsafemethod or purevolume.com/thefailsafemethod We got some poor quality songs up, but we'll get some better ones and some show dates up soon. So you can come check us out.
But I'm all drained right now, got nothing left to write, and, I gotta get ready for work. So, have fun reading this pretty much all around depressing post. Maybe you can expect more in the future, maybe not, I dont know. But here it is for now. Thanks for listening.