Fuck. This.
Oh my fucking god.
I feel like everything is exploding in my head at once. And I feel like........I'm gutting myself over nothing, and everything.
I had a terriffic massage day yesterday. But I felt 'off'. I had the nagging feeling at the back of my head, the throbbing heart that says "gtfo" (get the fuck out.) I ignored it because I had a few regular clients, and it was a good time for the most part. Dammit!!!
I hate it when I ignore shit.
Well, for those of you I Haven't told...that actually give a damn.
Rosey's been cutting herself. And I mean, a LOT. 14 fucking lashes on her arm, and I don't mean little slits, things that are easily covered up. I mean, SLASHES, like fucking chasms in her arms. The last few times she has been to the doc, to have them disinfected and a few stitched. She didn't exactly 'lie' when I asked her about a few things: she did cut herself on a piece of glass............on her finger. She tore through the tendon and everything. That same night, she took that piece of glass and ripped through her arm. FFS. I am just gonna remove everything and anything sharp in the house!!!!
but..that's not the root of the problem. She denies she needs meds. She denies she has a problem. And there's nothing *I* can do about it. Fuck, it's not suicide. It's just fucking depression. And she won't come to terms with it (she's bipolar too), and she takes her meds but still fucks herself up. Good god....I can't live with this shit. Yet she wants me to stay with her, and keep living with her. And I do save a lot of money and enjoy her company......
but I blame myself for not being there enough for her.
She's on disability for work right now....but for how long? and how long can she hide and deny the fact that she's been cutting to others? How long will she be able to hold up this fascade? I think she needs to take a good, long 2 weeks in the mental hospital!
She said when she had seen her counsellor the last few days, that things were going OK and she was almost ready to return to work. Well, hell, she HAS made improvements over the last few weeks. She has basically not smoked (weed), and tried to lay off the cigarettes a bit, and not drinking (finally...good lord she had a huge breakdown a few weeks ago, and drank like a fish and then denied it for few weeks.)
Anyway...last night tops the cake. I had to leave a voicemail with people at work...and one who is NOT my TM any more (team lead), he bitches me out today for missing work, and calling in at 10:17. Uh, hello...some days you CAN'T...call in any earlier than when the emergency happens. Yet I said it with a strangely calm and quiet tone, and what? What? You're gonna bitch me out for missing 1 day??? for missing 1 day??? without notice? Come on, that NEVER happens. Fuck you asshole. I usually never call in sick, or anything unless I need it. and guess what, I haven't gotten my damn vacation because the fuckers that cover our other grave shift (when I'm not here) took vacation when I wanted over the 4th of july. Screw off....all of you. I am so fucking sick of this shit. I wish they would just give me a day off...and guess what, if I told DWS about the shit you tried to pull, giving me a guilt trip when I told you I spent the night in the hospital with a sister that is mentally ill????? and fucking slashed her shit up like a diced sausage and potato pie??? Hmm.....DWS would have your ass for that. Fuck you motherfuckers. Yes. I said fuck like 100 times in this but I don't fucking care. This is all i can say to keep from breaking down and crying. That asshole made me soooo mad, he was all "well this is just me but when my dad was in the hospital I didn't miss any work at all." yeah fucking right. You missed a goddamned week. Fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!
Anyway................Rosey got 14 stitches.
The slash goes all the way in a diagnonal line across her wrists.
I'm wrapping up all sharp's and making her go to the insitution.
It's fucking sad that she's 32 and yet I'm 26, and don't have kids, and she wants to fuck herself up. Not that I really care who has kids and not but in my opinion if you have kids, you'd better damn well live for them!! be responsible ffs. :|
Anyway...................................................................................................................................(that's about 1/2 the length and 1/4 the thickness of the line on her arm.) I had to tease to get things to work right..I feel really angry and mad but laughing makes things better. I said "Gee, Rosey, too bad it isn't Zombie Walk day...." as she looks like a stitched-up ragdoll. Ugh. I want to vomit every time I think about that...............mark.
I'm pissed off. and i don't know what to do or say to her. I have to work 2 jobs to make way...and yet she needs me home with her (and won't admit it) and she slashed it last night because she said her doc won't approve her fucking disability because, what, she smoked a bowl a few times??? Oh yeah...because that doc is biased as fuck and being a fucking fucktard fuckhead. :|
So basically what I'm left off with (aside from taping and removing all the sharps from the house), is trying to find out how to make some damn money so I can cover her bills so she will stop freaking out on me.
FUCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like everything is exploding in my head at once. And I feel like........I'm gutting myself over nothing, and everything.
I had a terriffic massage day yesterday. But I felt 'off'. I had the nagging feeling at the back of my head, the throbbing heart that says "gtfo" (get the fuck out.) I ignored it because I had a few regular clients, and it was a good time for the most part. Dammit!!!
I hate it when I ignore shit.
Well, for those of you I Haven't told...that actually give a damn.
Rosey's been cutting herself. And I mean, a LOT. 14 fucking lashes on her arm, and I don't mean little slits, things that are easily covered up. I mean, SLASHES, like fucking chasms in her arms. The last few times she has been to the doc, to have them disinfected and a few stitched. She didn't exactly 'lie' when I asked her about a few things: she did cut herself on a piece of glass............on her finger. She tore through the tendon and everything. That same night, she took that piece of glass and ripped through her arm. FFS. I am just gonna remove everything and anything sharp in the house!!!!
but..that's not the root of the problem. She denies she needs meds. She denies she has a problem. And there's nothing *I* can do about it. Fuck, it's not suicide. It's just fucking depression. And she won't come to terms with it (she's bipolar too), and she takes her meds but still fucks herself up. Good god....I can't live with this shit. Yet she wants me to stay with her, and keep living with her. And I do save a lot of money and enjoy her company......
but I blame myself for not being there enough for her.
She's on disability for work right now....but for how long? and how long can she hide and deny the fact that she's been cutting to others? How long will she be able to hold up this fascade? I think she needs to take a good, long 2 weeks in the mental hospital!
She said when she had seen her counsellor the last few days, that things were going OK and she was almost ready to return to work. Well, hell, she HAS made improvements over the last few weeks. She has basically not smoked (weed), and tried to lay off the cigarettes a bit, and not drinking (finally...good lord she had a huge breakdown a few weeks ago, and drank like a fish and then denied it for few weeks.)
Anyway...last night tops the cake. I had to leave a voicemail with people at work...and one who is NOT my TM any more (team lead), he bitches me out today for missing work, and calling in at 10:17. Uh, hello...some days you CAN'T...call in any earlier than when the emergency happens. Yet I said it with a strangely calm and quiet tone, and what? What? You're gonna bitch me out for missing 1 day??? for missing 1 day??? without notice? Come on, that NEVER happens. Fuck you asshole. I usually never call in sick, or anything unless I need it. and guess what, I haven't gotten my damn vacation because the fuckers that cover our other grave shift (when I'm not here) took vacation when I wanted over the 4th of july. Screw off....all of you. I am so fucking sick of this shit. I wish they would just give me a day off...and guess what, if I told DWS about the shit you tried to pull, giving me a guilt trip when I told you I spent the night in the hospital with a sister that is mentally ill????? and fucking slashed her shit up like a diced sausage and potato pie??? Hmm.....DWS would have your ass for that. Fuck you motherfuckers. Yes. I said fuck like 100 times in this but I don't fucking care. This is all i can say to keep from breaking down and crying. That asshole made me soooo mad, he was all "well this is just me but when my dad was in the hospital I didn't miss any work at all." yeah fucking right. You missed a goddamned week. Fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!
Anyway................Rosey got 14 stitches.
The slash goes all the way in a diagnonal line across her wrists.
I'm wrapping up all sharp's and making her go to the insitution.
It's fucking sad that she's 32 and yet I'm 26, and don't have kids, and she wants to fuck herself up. Not that I really care who has kids and not but in my opinion if you have kids, you'd better damn well live for them!! be responsible ffs. :|
Anyway...................................................................................................................................(that's about 1/2 the length and 1/4 the thickness of the line on her arm.) I had to tease to get things to work right..I feel really angry and mad but laughing makes things better. I said "Gee, Rosey, too bad it isn't Zombie Walk day...." as she looks like a stitched-up ragdoll. Ugh. I want to vomit every time I think about that...............mark.
I'm pissed off. and i don't know what to do or say to her. I have to work 2 jobs to make way...and yet she needs me home with her (and won't admit it) and she slashed it last night because she said her doc won't approve her fucking disability because, what, she smoked a bowl a few times??? Oh yeah...because that doc is biased as fuck and being a fucking fucktard fuckhead. :|
So basically what I'm left off with (aside from taping and removing all the sharps from the house), is trying to find out how to make some damn money so I can cover her bills so she will stop freaking out on me.
FUCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!