Writer's Block: Solo traveler
I've always been kind of a loner...very shy. The only thing I ever shined at was academics, and...believe it or not, public speaking! Once I found this out, I started being able to motivate people and talk to people (it's the strangest thing..I found Empathy. And...stranger enough, I found learning how to speak publicly and have an open mind, at church! Ugh.) I did fairly well with making a few friends, but they were a choiced few. Someone I could open up to and trust. LOL, some of them were pretty unlikely at first (at least I thought.. at first) but I went against my better judgment and went over to them and said hello, took a risk and guess what? That's how the loner was no more...in my case and theirs! Not a lot of people did the same to me, just came over and saw I was lonely and said hi. hehe. Guess that's the way the world works, in reverse. I tried to be nice to everyone around me, though there were a few that still refused to be nice to me (mostly because they made frienemies with me. That's another story.) I also had a few people that hated my guts without even giving me a chance or getting to know me at all! Like, ooh I don't know, Brittany Murray!!!! Take this day, when we all had a young activitiy for church, we played a game that was murder in the dark, murder mystery. I had teamed up with Teasle, of course, and Brittany had somewhat not liked her, and then not liked me instantly. We got in a fight (haha, who started it, I don't know) and basically I defended Teasle, of course. And Brittany then became a stuck-up bitch for the rest of my living days knowing her! Even in high school, she held a huge grudge against me, for some strange reason....she wouldn't let it go! I saw her in A-Capella class, was curious what she was doing, and she was doing a report on some stupid thing for cowboys (what the words Yee and Haw meant for example). She didn't give me the time of day..but I asked anyway, about her project. Eventually she told me. Hmm...strange. Maybe I also have a gift to let people know since I don't make a big deal of it and forgive easily (MOST people! Only 2 people I will NEVER EVER forgive! but that's another story!), maybe she's warmed up to me a teeeny bit.
But aside from things, I guess I make friends pretty easily. I wish I could say the same for boy/girl friends..ugh. I suck at dating. I wish I could just apply my same thought pattern of "be nice to everyone" and be friendly to these people and NOT freak out when they actually have interest in me! And NOT freak out when they try to make a move..hah...guess that's something I need to talk to a counsellor about eh?
I am still trying to learn how to take the dive, and get outside my comfort bubble, and date a titch, just get to know someone, or at least take the dive and just ask someone out. Wish me luck on that one -___-;;
As for most of the time, when I was a kid...things came easier. It's not that I thought the whole world would like me, I just didn't CARE whether I fit in or not. Most often it was the latter.
Take for instance, Lisa. I loves my Lisa to death. I don't remember exactly the day we met but I remembered we were both kinda lonely and boom, there it was, destiny happened, we are still bff's for life (along with Teasle! I love you guys!) I guess what it comes down to is, when the barriers are dropped, the defenses are low, then finally, Yes Finally, you have a friend you can talk to about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, and they don't hold grudges or anger in their heart and can speak their minds....as well as you. And when that barrier is gone, the true self, the true nature of self, shines brightly, and in some instances, love takes place. If I could just let my barriers down, my defenses, with a guy or girl I am dating....well, that would let love in, and let me find what I need in life. But...easier said than done! The last couple times I've let my defenses down...as with anything, comes vulnerability. And vulnerability kills. That's when someone takes a pot-shot at your heart, and it can be good or bad, and most of the time I've got it bad.
So, when do you make the call? When do you take the plunge? When do you finally set in motion, the things you want to say or do, to make that person like you? What step is it, tell me, that you stop flying solo, and make a commitment to just say "yes"? or at what stage, do you finally just drop everything and say "Hey I kinda like you", or "Let's hang out"? Because every time I've tried saying that, I hold back, I bite my tongue, I FEAR. I cave. It's a programmed response, to not trust, to let fear lead my life. So, how do I hold that confidence, do I feign ignorance and just pretend? Do I hold back on telling people my personal thoughts, until I know how they are first? How do I get to know someone without unsheathing that vulnerable side?.....is it even possible? (And mostly, I keep thinking about this, because I have never gone on a gayte with a girl that I just meet out of the blue...nor have I gone on a date with a guy in a long ass time. When I was kinda-seeing Josh, he turned my world upside-down in a bad way...I really loved him, for everything he was, and his kids, and he just poofed on me when I got too close.)
*sigh* anyway...I gotta stop rambling. If anyone has some advice, I'd be much obliged.
But aside from things, I guess I make friends pretty easily. I wish I could say the same for boy/girl friends..ugh. I suck at dating. I wish I could just apply my same thought pattern of "be nice to everyone" and be friendly to these people and NOT freak out when they actually have interest in me! And NOT freak out when they try to make a move..hah...guess that's something I need to talk to a counsellor about eh?
I am still trying to learn how to take the dive, and get outside my comfort bubble, and date a titch, just get to know someone, or at least take the dive and just ask someone out. Wish me luck on that one -___-;;
As for most of the time, when I was a kid...things came easier. It's not that I thought the whole world would like me, I just didn't CARE whether I fit in or not. Most often it was the latter.
Take for instance, Lisa. I loves my Lisa to death. I don't remember exactly the day we met but I remembered we were both kinda lonely and boom, there it was, destiny happened, we are still bff's for life (along with Teasle! I love you guys!) I guess what it comes down to is, when the barriers are dropped, the defenses are low, then finally, Yes Finally, you have a friend you can talk to about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, and they don't hold grudges or anger in their heart and can speak their minds....as well as you. And when that barrier is gone, the true self, the true nature of self, shines brightly, and in some instances, love takes place. If I could just let my barriers down, my defenses, with a guy or girl I am dating....well, that would let love in, and let me find what I need in life. But...easier said than done! The last couple times I've let my defenses down...as with anything, comes vulnerability. And vulnerability kills. That's when someone takes a pot-shot at your heart, and it can be good or bad, and most of the time I've got it bad.
So, when do you make the call? When do you take the plunge? When do you finally set in motion, the things you want to say or do, to make that person like you? What step is it, tell me, that you stop flying solo, and make a commitment to just say "yes"? or at what stage, do you finally just drop everything and say "Hey I kinda like you", or "Let's hang out"? Because every time I've tried saying that, I hold back, I bite my tongue, I FEAR. I cave. It's a programmed response, to not trust, to let fear lead my life. So, how do I hold that confidence, do I feign ignorance and just pretend? Do I hold back on telling people my personal thoughts, until I know how they are first? How do I get to know someone without unsheathing that vulnerable side?.....is it even possible? (And mostly, I keep thinking about this, because I have never gone on a gayte with a girl that I just meet out of the blue...nor have I gone on a date with a guy in a long ass time. When I was kinda-seeing Josh, he turned my world upside-down in a bad way...I really loved him, for everything he was, and his kids, and he just poofed on me when I got too close.)
*sigh* anyway...I gotta stop rambling. If anyone has some advice, I'd be much obliged.