~Torn and introspective; Regrets for words not said~
I've been contemplating things for a while...thinking about life...love...happiness, and pain...feelings, emotions, things I wish I could've said and done things I haven't...things I regrettedly have not said...or never had the chance to...
There are 2 people I haven't been able to say "I love you" to...
One of them is a girl. One of them is a guy...
both of them freaked out and ran away from me when I said anything..they thought I was going to intrude on their current relationship.
I just want to say what I can't...
I just think that in some alternate reality, I'm there, loving those other people...not ever turning back and not ever regretting what I had done.
I hate my life right now.
I don't know if I made the right choice..I dont even know if what I'm doing right now is right or not.
I miss my Holz...and...dammit honestly I regret ever saying what I did, I broke her heart and left her because I was in too much pain and too damn scared because of some DUMB FUCK PRICK that fucking hurt me...
I can't tell Joe all of this..because he'd think I am leaving him...which I kinda wanna do.
He's treating me like shit. He's acting like a spoilt brat. He is neglecting my emotional needs..
One year...
So much can happen.
A girlfriend lost...a fucktard person at school forces me to drop out
I gain a (sorta) boyfriend and girlfriend over the phone and internet
I get all of my sexual needs...and then am broken up with right after valentines day...
I gain 3000$ worth of debt (Mostly medical)
I can't sleep at night or in the day...
I feel like my head's exploding from pain and fear...
My roommates help me out, loving me and caring for me, nursing me back to health and happiness
I lose 40 lbs
I gain it all back +20 more
I lose 3 dress sizes
I gain 2 more...I think...then lose them again
I gain 3 "guyfriends" that all fuck me over in the end cuz I won't give them what they want
I lose my home to some fucktard roommate demanding money
I lose my cat to the same fuckers (they took her dropped her off and let her get murdered)
I lose another job
I gain another job TS (tech support) at Alorica
I teach my sister how to drink
I gain a boyfriend...who treats me right for the first few months...giving me what I want (and need)
He moves in
He starts acting stupid and cruel
He starts being spoilt
He starts getting a temper
He gets pissed and we fight constantly
he never gives me what I need (emotionally, physically and sexually) NOTHING
I buy lots of sex toys (lol) and whips, and cuffs, and dirty dice...
A friend gets engaged.
A bestfriend/ex-boyfriend moves in with his fiancee
I drop training and all of martial arts...getting more depressed
I owe yet another 500+ dollars in debt
I join debt consolidation
My ex-girlfriend gets pregnant
We adopt another temp roommate who pisses off my boyfriend more
We get comcast and all sorts of extras we don't need and I hardly use
I FINALLY get a bed! YAY!
I get my cat from my moms (13 year old beautiful orange and white fuzzball)
I get a phone bill 199$+ a month, ripping me off horribly
I get a raise to sales dept.
I get less hours because there is no overtime available...
Even more fucked on money...
Joe is still being a dick...not giving me sexual needs, and getitng more pissd cuz I can't sleep at night
Joe is acting strange becuase he now knows EXACTLY what I went thru last year...
He stops giving me the kind of sexual attention I need...
Pain in my heart
Pain in my body
Pain...pain...pain...
I cry myself to sleep a lot...
I miss my ex-girlfriend so much..
I regret...
I regret!! I REGRET!!
I hold back those pains and tears again
I feel at night somehow those scars..the scratches again..
I am bleeding again..inside and out..from pain..my heart bleeds..
Did I make the right decision??
Am I with the right person??
I..Miss..Holls...
And I wish I could be with her, now more than anything...
but it's too late for regrets...
And then I think again..
Teasle..
I hear you..do you hear me? Do you even care about me?
I know you've got a life now..all I want is to just grab you, kiss you, and kiss away your pain and tears, and stay with you til they go away..even for a night..I want to make love to you..in any way possible..but that would weird you out huh...-_-;;
Corey..even though you'll never read this..
I wish I were with you..
I'm looking for a way out..
at least you wouldn't treat me like shit...
Joe needs anger management courses, and it's so harrying..I can't live like this..I can't...
I'm starting to fall apart..someone just help me..save me..
My body betrays me..it wants me to do things I can't..
i'm so damn horny right now..and so damn frustrated I don't even want to go to bed with him right now..I hate him right now..I hate the way he is acting..I dont even like him to do what little sexual things we can..
He freaked out on me when I tried to touch his penis (((ooh.and thats a word he can't say either...it's always "mr. winkie" WTF?!!!)))
and he freaked out..he said he's too stressed over stupid shit at school and everything..well fuck him, FUCK HIM.
FUCK all men..man I am damn fucking HAD with men..I am just had..if you aren't going to satisfy me, FUCK off...seriously. The only man I care about is Dustin..my bro..the one who actually CAN give a shit about me..
-growls- I mean, come on..it's been a fuking year and you can't even satisfy me, and you can't even fucking let me see you naked? what's your deal man? what's your problem? I want to touch you, feel you, feel your manliness, feel your god damned body against mine and fuck your brains out...how hard is that to admit?? HA! Yeah right..he'd probably kick my ass for saying that...but ya know when you say "it's weird" to have a person naked next to you, that's a bit of a fuck off notion ya know.......I mean, fuck, I want to fuck him but sometimes I want to die, it's so lame..I want to MAKE LOVE..how hard is that?? I mean he's so damn fucking mormon that it hurts. It's starting to agitate the angry rageful vengeance inside of me I can't express..I don't even want to lay by him any more. He won't even grope my boobs or like likc them or suck on them when I asked, it took 3 weeks before he even said something baout it..I WANT something dammit, I don't give a shit if you don't like oding it, fuck, fuck , FUCK! another thing is I mean, at 7 am when he goes to work he'll wake me up but if it's 1 am when I go to bed? fuck no! HE's so fucking selfish..and another thing..is it really right to have a guy that has a fantasy about 6 other girls (including me) all macking on each other and saying "OMG Joe you are soooo hott" and shit..I mean fuck?? WTF???
I give up.
Simply stated.
I've had it with relationsihps.
if you want to fuck, let's fuck.
if you want to play, let's play.
fuck relationsihps. I'm done.
I want sex.
And it's apparent he won't give it to me And I can't get it elsewehere so...............
Should I leave??
There are 2 people I haven't been able to say "I love you" to...
One of them is a girl. One of them is a guy...
both of them freaked out and ran away from me when I said anything..they thought I was going to intrude on their current relationship.
I just want to say what I can't...
I just think that in some alternate reality, I'm there, loving those other people...not ever turning back and not ever regretting what I had done.
I hate my life right now.
I don't know if I made the right choice..I dont even know if what I'm doing right now is right or not.
I miss my Holz...and...dammit honestly I regret ever saying what I did, I broke her heart and left her because I was in too much pain and too damn scared because of some DUMB FUCK PRICK that fucking hurt me...
I can't tell Joe all of this..because he'd think I am leaving him...which I kinda wanna do.
He's treating me like shit. He's acting like a spoilt brat. He is neglecting my emotional needs..
One year...
So much can happen.
A girlfriend lost...a fucktard person at school forces me to drop out
I gain a (sorta) boyfriend and girlfriend over the phone and internet
I get all of my sexual needs...and then am broken up with right after valentines day...
I gain 3000$ worth of debt (Mostly medical)
I can't sleep at night or in the day...
I feel like my head's exploding from pain and fear...
My roommates help me out, loving me and caring for me, nursing me back to health and happiness
I lose 40 lbs
I gain it all back +20 more
I lose 3 dress sizes
I gain 2 more...I think...then lose them again
I gain 3 "guyfriends" that all fuck me over in the end cuz I won't give them what they want
I lose my home to some fucktard roommate demanding money
I lose my cat to the same fuckers (they took her dropped her off and let her get murdered)
I lose another job
I gain another job TS (tech support) at Alorica
I teach my sister how to drink
I gain a boyfriend...who treats me right for the first few months...giving me what I want (and need)
He moves in
He starts acting stupid and cruel
He starts being spoilt
He starts getting a temper
He gets pissed and we fight constantly
he never gives me what I need (emotionally, physically and sexually) NOTHING
I buy lots of sex toys (lol) and whips, and cuffs, and dirty dice...
A friend gets engaged.
A bestfriend/ex-boyfriend moves in with his fiancee
I drop training and all of martial arts...getting more depressed
I owe yet another 500+ dollars in debt
I join debt consolidation
My ex-girlfriend gets pregnant
We adopt another temp roommate who pisses off my boyfriend more
We get comcast and all sorts of extras we don't need and I hardly use
I FINALLY get a bed! YAY!
I get my cat from my moms (13 year old beautiful orange and white fuzzball)
I get a phone bill 199$+ a month, ripping me off horribly
I get a raise to sales dept.
I get less hours because there is no overtime available...
Even more fucked on money...
Joe is still being a dick...not giving me sexual needs, and getitng more pissd cuz I can't sleep at night
Joe is acting strange becuase he now knows EXACTLY what I went thru last year...
He stops giving me the kind of sexual attention I need...
Pain in my heart
Pain in my body
Pain...pain...pain...
I cry myself to sleep a lot...
I miss my ex-girlfriend so much..
I regret...
I regret!! I REGRET!!
I hold back those pains and tears again
I feel at night somehow those scars..the scratches again..
I am bleeding again..inside and out..from pain..my heart bleeds..
Did I make the right decision??
Am I with the right person??
I..Miss..Holls...
And I wish I could be with her, now more than anything...
but it's too late for regrets...
And then I think again..
Teasle..
I hear you..do you hear me? Do you even care about me?
I know you've got a life now..all I want is to just grab you, kiss you, and kiss away your pain and tears, and stay with you til they go away..even for a night..I want to make love to you..in any way possible..but that would weird you out huh...-_-;;
Corey..even though you'll never read this..
I wish I were with you..
I'm looking for a way out..
at least you wouldn't treat me like shit...
Joe needs anger management courses, and it's so harrying..I can't live like this..I can't...
I'm starting to fall apart..someone just help me..save me..
My body betrays me..it wants me to do things I can't..
i'm so damn horny right now..and so damn frustrated I don't even want to go to bed with him right now..I hate him right now..I hate the way he is acting..I dont even like him to do what little sexual things we can..
He freaked out on me when I tried to touch his penis (((ooh.and thats a word he can't say either...it's always "mr. winkie" WTF?!!!)))
and he freaked out..he said he's too stressed over stupid shit at school and everything..well fuck him, FUCK HIM.
FUCK all men..man I am damn fucking HAD with men..I am just had..if you aren't going to satisfy me, FUCK off...seriously. The only man I care about is Dustin..my bro..the one who actually CAN give a shit about me..
-growls- I mean, come on..it's been a fuking year and you can't even satisfy me, and you can't even fucking let me see you naked? what's your deal man? what's your problem? I want to touch you, feel you, feel your manliness, feel your god damned body against mine and fuck your brains out...how hard is that to admit?? HA! Yeah right..he'd probably kick my ass for saying that...but ya know when you say "it's weird" to have a person naked next to you, that's a bit of a fuck off notion ya know.......I mean, fuck, I want to fuck him but sometimes I want to die, it's so lame..I want to MAKE LOVE..how hard is that?? I mean he's so damn fucking mormon that it hurts. It's starting to agitate the angry rageful vengeance inside of me I can't express..I don't even want to lay by him any more. He won't even grope my boobs or like likc them or suck on them when I asked, it took 3 weeks before he even said something baout it..I WANT something dammit, I don't give a shit if you don't like oding it, fuck, fuck , FUCK! another thing is I mean, at 7 am when he goes to work he'll wake me up but if it's 1 am when I go to bed? fuck no! HE's so fucking selfish..and another thing..is it really right to have a guy that has a fantasy about 6 other girls (including me) all macking on each other and saying "OMG Joe you are soooo hott" and shit..I mean fuck?? WTF???
I give up.
Simply stated.
I've had it with relationsihps.
if you want to fuck, let's fuck.
if you want to play, let's play.
fuck relationsihps. I'm done.
I want sex.
And it's apparent he won't give it to me And I can't get it elsewehere so...............
Should I leave??