too tired for this naming my entry bullshit
my dreams were better last night/today. what ever you want to consider it. they were still crazy but they werent like fucked up and sad.
so thats good.
im trying to get a handle on this worrying business that i fall into a lot. its really not helping anything. its not making it any easier. its just making it tougher.
I'm really not looking forward to getting my stuff from Ryan. I figure the sooner I do it, the sooner I don't have to WORRY about when im going to do it. Though, I don't even know how im going to get up there to get it. With only one car that will make it there and the parental unit who owns the car, is quite anal about basically ME using it. Apparently because of my wild ways in the past (when i was 14/15) I can't drive it that much. Only if its benefitting him or if I absolutely need to. I don't like that im having who I was then held against who I am now. Im not even that girl anymore. It sucks. I can't talk to him like an adult either, because he talks to me like im that age still. I remember the tone he used with me and he still uses it now. Its ridiculous. He needs to let go and forget about that time in our lives. I don't like feeling like im resented. Im not his amazing, wise son who finished high school and college and is back in college again. We can't all be like him now. I really need to move out of here. I don't know how exactly, I am still figuring it out. Cause the reality is, having a job isn't going to make it snappy. I can't deal with this shit still. I don't even want to ask him to borrow the truck cause the first word that will fly out of his mouth, before i even ask the question, is no. Then I have to argue with him about it to get him to see that Im not going to ruin his precious truck. I really can't stand arguing at all. I don't want to have to convince him, by arguing with him. The truck can get in an accident no matter who is driving. He should know that by now, considering the 2 accidents we have both been in together. I just don't knwo what to do anymore about him. I don't want us to have this kind of relationship, but I guess we can't be close with all of our family. I just don't know if he will go for me taking it to Saint George and staying over night, which I was planning on doing since I would be like an hour from there anyways. If the car wasn't fucking prehistoric, I would definitely be allowed to take it anywhere I wanted basically. If my parents cant even afford another car yet, how the hell am I ever going to afford a car? But the real question is, How the hell am I ever going to get out of this, no good for me, retirement town? I know what I have to do, but its not good enough. There has to be more ways. I just don't have the brains to figure them out. I want an easy way and unfortunately its all going to be tough. I really like Saint George. Its a cute, little town and though its not going to be little for long, its still cute. It reminds me of sewickley in a way. I think thats why I like it. I think of it as the Western version. At least there is more for me there than here. And I know it will take a while for me to get to that point, I try to keep my head up. Its just hard to see that happening for me. I've been here so long that I think I'll be stuck here forever or something. Im so glad that my parents considered the repercussions of moving me here. It's so excellent of them, to keep me in mind. But perhaps they didn't think it would be this bad for me. Though, if we never moved here I wouldn't know some of the people I know now. That I am grateful for. Maybe I will just try to go to college in St. George, instead of finding a job here. I will have to look into all the bullshit I need to do. In the mean time, Im just going to not think or worry or stress about things so much or at all. Especially not about things that are unnecessary and pointless. Things that won't happen. Things that don't need to be panicy about. Like love.
I miss my home I want to go home. <3 I miss you.
so thats good.
im trying to get a handle on this worrying business that i fall into a lot. its really not helping anything. its not making it any easier. its just making it tougher.
I'm really not looking forward to getting my stuff from Ryan. I figure the sooner I do it, the sooner I don't have to WORRY about when im going to do it. Though, I don't even know how im going to get up there to get it. With only one car that will make it there and the parental unit who owns the car, is quite anal about basically ME using it. Apparently because of my wild ways in the past (when i was 14/15) I can't drive it that much. Only if its benefitting him or if I absolutely need to. I don't like that im having who I was then held against who I am now. Im not even that girl anymore. It sucks. I can't talk to him like an adult either, because he talks to me like im that age still. I remember the tone he used with me and he still uses it now. Its ridiculous. He needs to let go and forget about that time in our lives. I don't like feeling like im resented. Im not his amazing, wise son who finished high school and college and is back in college again. We can't all be like him now. I really need to move out of here. I don't know how exactly, I am still figuring it out. Cause the reality is, having a job isn't going to make it snappy. I can't deal with this shit still. I don't even want to ask him to borrow the truck cause the first word that will fly out of his mouth, before i even ask the question, is no. Then I have to argue with him about it to get him to see that Im not going to ruin his precious truck. I really can't stand arguing at all. I don't want to have to convince him, by arguing with him. The truck can get in an accident no matter who is driving. He should know that by now, considering the 2 accidents we have both been in together. I just don't knwo what to do anymore about him. I don't want us to have this kind of relationship, but I guess we can't be close with all of our family. I just don't know if he will go for me taking it to Saint George and staying over night, which I was planning on doing since I would be like an hour from there anyways. If the car wasn't fucking prehistoric, I would definitely be allowed to take it anywhere I wanted basically. If my parents cant even afford another car yet, how the hell am I ever going to afford a car? But the real question is, How the hell am I ever going to get out of this, no good for me, retirement town? I know what I have to do, but its not good enough. There has to be more ways. I just don't have the brains to figure them out. I want an easy way and unfortunately its all going to be tough. I really like Saint George. Its a cute, little town and though its not going to be little for long, its still cute. It reminds me of sewickley in a way. I think thats why I like it. I think of it as the Western version. At least there is more for me there than here. And I know it will take a while for me to get to that point, I try to keep my head up. Its just hard to see that happening for me. I've been here so long that I think I'll be stuck here forever or something. Im so glad that my parents considered the repercussions of moving me here. It's so excellent of them, to keep me in mind. But perhaps they didn't think it would be this bad for me. Though, if we never moved here I wouldn't know some of the people I know now. That I am grateful for. Maybe I will just try to go to college in St. George, instead of finding a job here. I will have to look into all the bullshit I need to do. In the mean time, Im just going to not think or worry or stress about things so much or at all. Especially not about things that are unnecessary and pointless. Things that won't happen. Things that don't need to be panicy about. Like love.
I miss my home I want to go home. <3 I miss you.