Restart Button
Sitting here in front of my computer ignoring the misery I should feel from other subjects, I focus on what I just saw. I read the letter to myself and as I herd each word, I herd it in her voice. She has found her center and I am extatic for her, even if it excludes me. I cant help but feel this sense of understanding, one that you only feel once in your life, maybe its because you only feel it once, or maybe its because its the first time Ive ever felt this way, but I must say, it feels good. This on going war I have with myself all of this shit in my mind,this has just shown me, I can overcome it. If I can accept the terms Cindy and I are on this easily, I can figure out what to do with myself along the lines of my health. I keep thinking about what I want to do wtih my life, how I am going to enjoy it, I think Ill slow down and just live it day by day, I hate doing that but what else is there to do? I also go back to think how each person in this world has something about them that makes it so easy for them to live with a certain character or personallity. I was always an adapter, trying to find myself through experimenting with differnt personallities, while that has given me some trouble, it has all been worth it because people can think what they want and judge as they please, however, I am one step closer to knowing myself and who I am. Then I wonder if I was a certain way all along or does everyone adapt to who they want to be; what does it really mean when people say, be yourself? I am glad I have my own sense of understanding of that, as a child I always expected life to be lived as a scripted movie. I would be cher from clueless in school and grow to be the chick in the starbucks that reads and meets her love of her life there, a man that resembles JTT and to be discoverd and be a famous singer and drink crystal and be like cher the singer getting plastic surgery and look 25 forever... Now I ask, what the fuck was wrong with me when I was a kid. I hate clueless, and dont like coffee or alcohol, I dont like to read, JTT is ugly, and I dont see getting famous for singing to be an option, thats what I think was so fun about being a kid, having an imagination of a picture perfect existance that awaits you not knowing all together you are so FUCKED heh. Now back to looking at this in an optimistic way, I think tele brainwashed me as a child and reallity snapped me out of it I guess it would be about a month or two ago heh. I enjoyed it while it was happening but I like reallity better. I now understand that everyone has problems rather than laying in the shower crying wondering why it was happening to me. I know that when I get like that, i just need to get out of the house, even if it just means a walk around the block. So I dont want to speak too soon so i am going to quit writing about my new outlook, heh. Now, on to target to get a paintbrush!