where I've been...
Welp, this is my first post of 2012, and it's nearly March... At first depression was keeping me silent, and now there's just been so much going on that I've been afraid to post for fear of posting too soon, then having to come back later and read hopeful thoughts that will tear my heart apart later. You know those periods of time when a bunch of
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What you said about envying religious people is 1000000% true to how I feel, and how I've felt at every single health scare we have in our family. One of the first things my grandma said to me after coming out of her surgery on Wednesday night was "Did you pray for me?" I know she had good intentions, but she knows I'm not religious, and I just awkwardly had to answer "No, but I thought about you and sent you good thoughts." Secretly I wonder if maybe she thinks I'm not doing enough for her, that by doing this instead of praying I'm not trying support her enough. But I'm probably just being self-conscious, I'm sure she's appreciative of what I've done... at least, fuck, I hope she is. The worst thing would be for her to die having thought that I wasn't doing everything possible to keep her comfortable and happy and keep her in my thoughts every waking moment. I worry constantly that the people I love won't know how deeply I love them. I've ALWAYS had a problem communicating my positive emotions, friends and exes and even my mother have all accused me of not showing I care and being distant/aloof or even cold. It's all the result of my mental illness(es), and I want more than anything for them to know it isn't my fault, it's not the image I want to project. I want her to know I love her so much. Ugh, sorry... making myself cry here talking about this. I'm just so scared for her, and of losing her before I can really tell her how I feel.
Reading your comment was so helpful to me, I hope you realize how appreciative I am of you and how supportive you've always been to me. Out of everyone I miss talking with you the most, and I'm afraid that because I haven't been around much in the last year that you think maybe I've lost interest in being friends, but that's not it at all. Things just keep getting tougher and more complicated here on my end, and in trying to get away from the reality of things I honestly didn't even notice I was disappeared from the 'net for weeks at a time. Then when I tried to come back and talk on here, I would end up staring at the entry or comment screen just terrified of having to write about my life again, to explain everything and feebly justify my absence. You're a good friend and one of the few I've met on LJ that I feel really does care and makes a genuine effort to know people. I want you to know how much good you've done for me since we've added each other. To be completely honest I really made this post for a very select few people to see, and you are one of them. I'm trying so hard to get my energy back and post more and starting fanning over games and anime again the way I used to, but it's more difficult than I ever imagined it could be. Just... thank you, for being patient enough to stick it out with me, and for still caring even now. Thank you so much. <3333
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As for your grandmother, I'm sure she knows how much you care. When you are that age and have a good family you just have that wisdom, at least from what I've experienced with people.
As for praying, I don't do it either, so all my good thoughts and hopes go to her, you, your mother and the rest of your family , minus that fucking perverted asshole, of course.
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As for your grandmother, I'm sure she knows how much you care. When you are that age and have a good family you just have that wisdom, at least from what I've experienced with people.
As for praying, I don't do it either, so all my good thoughts and hopes go to her, you, your mother and the rest of your family , minus that fucking perverted asshole, of course.
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