where I've been...
Welp, this is my first post of 2012, and it's nearly March... At first depression was keeping me silent, and now there's just been so much going on that I've been afraid to post for fear of posting too soon, then having to come back later and read hopeful thoughts that will tear my heart apart later. You know those periods of time when a bunch of
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I've known some of this before about the situation between you, your parents and your grandparents, but it's good to hear more of the full story. Also, mega kudos to your grandmother for getting sober, that's no easy task!
And its really lonely thought imagining having no one who truly understands you.
Yes, this is how I feel all the time. It's considerably different for me because my mother and I are pretty much the closest out of anyone and her love is the primary thing that keeps me going, but there's also always been a special bond between my grandma and I that's beyond description. It's not that I even share all that much personal info with her (since I'm terrified of hurting her with the news of the dubious crap I've been into lately.) It's the kind of bond where we can sit together and not say a single word, and still be sharing a mutual understanding whilst being completely at peace. By her own admission I'm her favorite grandkid, she has such love for me that it makes me tear up just from typing this, I can't even comprehend why she cares for me after all the bullshit I've done in the last 10 years but she does care immensely, and I've relied on her to get me through some extremely difficult times. If I lost her now... it would be like having a huge part of myself, my body, my mind, my soul even though I don't even BELIEVE in souls, just cut away from me. No one can be important to me the way she is. And I wouldn't want anyone to be. She's truly one of a kind.
Numbing myself emotionally is really the only way I can stave off depression and self-harming urges. Being emotionally barren isn't healthy either, but at least it keeps me alive and moving. Your suggestions at the end there are what I usually do too, laughing and joking around whenever possible, trying to keep my mom laughing too especially, and doing dumb but funny stuff to keep things lighthearted in between the serious moments. My role has always been "the funny one" in most every social circle I've ever participated in, so I feel it's my responsibility to use that humor to an end that will help everyone feel a bit better. I try to make my grandma laugh when we visit her in the hospital and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, usually not since she's still very out of it/confused. I feel like I've failed when I can't lighten her mood. I know it's not my fault, but because this situation is so fucked up and unfair, I always default back to bad habits and blame myself, for lack of a better place to put my anger and sadness...
(I exceeded the character limit, continued in the next comment...)
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