echoes from the hinterlands
Lots of time has past since I last wrote here. Lots of miles have been covered. Lots of decisions have been made, and even more put off for later. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I still would rather not grow up in the first place. I feel a little bit too grown up for my own good even now. This whole world is too grown up. These times are too heavy and solemn. I hope to bring some light of the heart into this dark world. Bring a new meaning to the words "grown up", so I don't feel ashamed to fit that description anymore.
I'm in New Haven, at work in a bookstore with very few customers--where I have ample time to surf the Web. Right now I'm missing Kung Fu class because I agreed to stand in for my friend Nick tonight, because he couldn't find anyone else to do it. I worked from 7-4 at my other job, at the bakery in a health food store, and started here at 4:20 today; I'll be here till 10. I don't mind it, especially since it's so relaxed at night here. I would like to be in class better, but this won't happen often. It's snowing outside. Later I'll leave and walk the 6 or so blocks back to my small room in a large victorian house in New Haven't ghetto area. Where I'll go to sleep, only to get up and come back here at 9:30 tomorow morning.
I like this sort of work, for now, because it gives me something to do all day, and it's some sort of security because I have bills to pay.
Ack! The sentence above is so mundane. Its banality freaks me out.
It's the expression of a life boiled down to its bare, physical components. The small rocks in the midst of a giant whirling storm. Who knows where it will be when it dies down. IF it dies down. Maybe it's like the red eye on Jupiter. Spinning there for at least 400 years. Impressions, thoughts, feelings, longings, visions, dreams, impulses, memories. What are they? Everyone has them, don't they? What's the purpose? Is this all we are? This loose collection of materials?
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have a basis on which to write a journal entry. None of these things feel like me. The vortex is collapsing and scattering.
I'm not sure what I want to do with my future. I've become disillusioned, sort of. With our ways of being and relating in this world. "Society". What is it? What's the point? Why are we living here? "Work". "Money". "Power over others". "Fame". "Sex". Are those the reasons? How come I don't really care?
I don't have any strong goals anymore. I enjoy my martial arts classes, so I keep going. Work's OK, so I keep going. I enjoy interacting with people, playing with them and serving them. I come home and meditate every night. Sometimes long, sometimes not. I focus on stretching my body and feeling its energy flow. Relaxing to allow the energy to flow in an ever more natural pattern. It's so distorted from the natural pathways, the ways in which it evolved to flow. It feels so much better every day when I give it my attention. Even just that, the simple act of giving it my attention, makes it feel warm, happy, glowing. Smiling. Have you ever felt a smile in a part of your body other than the face?
I love my family. My cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and brother. Maybe I'll move to be closer to them. Maybe I'll go back to school, finish my degree. In what though? What can I offer the world? Where will my efforts be most needed?
I keep seeing that the root of all of our problems in this world is the part of us that is grasping, greedy and afraid of change. The part that relies stubbornly on thought in all situations. The part that's stuck on one identity for us, thinking that's all we are. Afraid to let it go because we're afraid of the emptiness that might lie beyond. This, they say, leads to our desire to acquire ever more, to keep things for ourselves and from others, to climb high above others in the hierarchy of this world.
Let me tell you, letting go of that part of ourselves is terrifying. It's facing the fear of death itself. But if it's what we must do to save this world, if it's the best way I can offer myself to everyone, then...I hope I can have the courage, someday, to jump off that cliff. Not for me, but for everyone and everything.
They say we're all headed there, eventually, anyway.
I'm in New Haven, at work in a bookstore with very few customers--where I have ample time to surf the Web. Right now I'm missing Kung Fu class because I agreed to stand in for my friend Nick tonight, because he couldn't find anyone else to do it. I worked from 7-4 at my other job, at the bakery in a health food store, and started here at 4:20 today; I'll be here till 10. I don't mind it, especially since it's so relaxed at night here. I would like to be in class better, but this won't happen often. It's snowing outside. Later I'll leave and walk the 6 or so blocks back to my small room in a large victorian house in New Haven't ghetto area. Where I'll go to sleep, only to get up and come back here at 9:30 tomorow morning.
I like this sort of work, for now, because it gives me something to do all day, and it's some sort of security because I have bills to pay.
Ack! The sentence above is so mundane. Its banality freaks me out.
It's the expression of a life boiled down to its bare, physical components. The small rocks in the midst of a giant whirling storm. Who knows where it will be when it dies down. IF it dies down. Maybe it's like the red eye on Jupiter. Spinning there for at least 400 years. Impressions, thoughts, feelings, longings, visions, dreams, impulses, memories. What are they? Everyone has them, don't they? What's the purpose? Is this all we are? This loose collection of materials?
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have a basis on which to write a journal entry. None of these things feel like me. The vortex is collapsing and scattering.
I'm not sure what I want to do with my future. I've become disillusioned, sort of. With our ways of being and relating in this world. "Society". What is it? What's the point? Why are we living here? "Work". "Money". "Power over others". "Fame". "Sex". Are those the reasons? How come I don't really care?
I don't have any strong goals anymore. I enjoy my martial arts classes, so I keep going. Work's OK, so I keep going. I enjoy interacting with people, playing with them and serving them. I come home and meditate every night. Sometimes long, sometimes not. I focus on stretching my body and feeling its energy flow. Relaxing to allow the energy to flow in an ever more natural pattern. It's so distorted from the natural pathways, the ways in which it evolved to flow. It feels so much better every day when I give it my attention. Even just that, the simple act of giving it my attention, makes it feel warm, happy, glowing. Smiling. Have you ever felt a smile in a part of your body other than the face?
I love my family. My cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and brother. Maybe I'll move to be closer to them. Maybe I'll go back to school, finish my degree. In what though? What can I offer the world? Where will my efforts be most needed?
I keep seeing that the root of all of our problems in this world is the part of us that is grasping, greedy and afraid of change. The part that relies stubbornly on thought in all situations. The part that's stuck on one identity for us, thinking that's all we are. Afraid to let it go because we're afraid of the emptiness that might lie beyond. This, they say, leads to our desire to acquire ever more, to keep things for ourselves and from others, to climb high above others in the hierarchy of this world.
Let me tell you, letting go of that part of ourselves is terrifying. It's facing the fear of death itself. But if it's what we must do to save this world, if it's the best way I can offer myself to everyone, then...I hope I can have the courage, someday, to jump off that cliff. Not for me, but for everyone and everything.
They say we're all headed there, eventually, anyway.