(no subject)
I'm feeling writerly tonight so bear with me. Peter Gabriel reminds me of home and sorrow. I used to do interpretive dance to it. I would imagine what the music looked like, and would act it out, the imaages that came to mind.I need to look upon my childhood with kindness, not as a series of mistakes, but the many versions of who I was and am becoming. Like the flawed but cute pottery you make when you are small.
I can feel my escvapism and laziness around me like a cloak, a relustance to move, and a desire not to know, not to feel. I can feel the inexplicable sadness lurking underneath my happiness or perceived happiness just waiting to emerge. I refuse to let it. And it's the same feeling of loss, the ides of March and my old dog's birthday, but he's not in cuddleable form anymore. A bit more than a year since his death and it still brings tears to my eyes. You never stop feeling the sadness of loss, you just get used to it, and don't notice. I've been wondering if my allergy medicine is losing its efficacy, as my nose seems to be permanently clogged. Or maybe its the mold I recently found in my room. So beautiful today, and I wished for a kite. I've been wondering lately and trying out seeing if I can do the things that bring me joy, or I just like in class. Norweigan guilt syndrome- if you enjoy it, you're not working hard enough or you're sinning.Been crocheting lately. Been worrying about what Saga food is doing to me. Been smiling. Been doing Kanji. Been doing this staying alive business. Realized one of the fundamental things about Christianity that frustates me is that God is always seen as the other, a separate entity, a paternal entity, when I really see God as the universal life force, the unifying life force, the conglomerate opf spirit we all return to and are sent out from to learn more about our surroundings. Like cells in a body, our individual souls are part of something greater, and yet entities in their own right. Sometimes it's easier to think of God as separate, so you can talk to him/it/them/whatever/her. But I think you can have a conversation with god even as it is and is not you. I guess prayer is like conversation with God. I think I need to engage in a conversation and be a better listener.
I can feel my escvapism and laziness around me like a cloak, a relustance to move, and a desire not to know, not to feel. I can feel the inexplicable sadness lurking underneath my happiness or perceived happiness just waiting to emerge. I refuse to let it. And it's the same feeling of loss, the ides of March and my old dog's birthday, but he's not in cuddleable form anymore. A bit more than a year since his death and it still brings tears to my eyes. You never stop feeling the sadness of loss, you just get used to it, and don't notice. I've been wondering if my allergy medicine is losing its efficacy, as my nose seems to be permanently clogged. Or maybe its the mold I recently found in my room. So beautiful today, and I wished for a kite. I've been wondering lately and trying out seeing if I can do the things that bring me joy, or I just like in class. Norweigan guilt syndrome- if you enjoy it, you're not working hard enough or you're sinning.Been crocheting lately. Been worrying about what Saga food is doing to me. Been smiling. Been doing Kanji. Been doing this staying alive business. Realized one of the fundamental things about Christianity that frustates me is that God is always seen as the other, a separate entity, a paternal entity, when I really see God as the universal life force, the unifying life force, the conglomerate opf spirit we all return to and are sent out from to learn more about our surroundings. Like cells in a body, our individual souls are part of something greater, and yet entities in their own right. Sometimes it's easier to think of God as separate, so you can talk to him/it/them/whatever/her. But I think you can have a conversation with god even as it is and is not you. I guess prayer is like conversation with God. I think I need to engage in a conversation and be a better listener.