6 years
So it has been six years since my mother died. I'm actually pretty darn ok with this. She is no longer actively torturing me and I happily don't miss it. I stopped playing ball with her a long time before hand. I was fortunate that she did things preceding her death that shored up much of what I needed to accept that there wouldn't be any last minute movie soul baring of love. She never truly wanted a relationship with me, just the pretend child. I was just a resource to be used. Her life was her own story and I truly wasn't even a member of the cast.
Tonight I did light a candle as is the Jewish tradition. I only recalled to do this because I set a reminder on a calendar apparently. I wanted to remember her in a candle light not the harsh light of day.
She was a life long alcoholic and had smoked for over 40 years. Her bladder cancer had a positive correlation to the smoking so I'm not worried over my own genetic propensity. Her vanity was the true cause of death. She could have had surgery early and that would have worked. A year later the surgery would have meant living with a bag. She instead chose to not treat it seriously and instead milked out the chance to torture everyone around her with the Big C diagnosis. Big surprise to her was that she was going to die from her choices.
There are few memories of her acting parental but I do appreciate those times. When my SIL suggested that I wouldn't make it into vet school my mother attacked with a knife like precision statement between the ribs. I made it into University of Dublin but for many reasons I didn't choose to go. I don't regret not going I made choices that today mean I have a great marriage and the peace of mind from taking care of my grandmother that I felt obliged to fulfill.
She sewed me twin dresses to be her mini-me that was so popular when I was a kid. OK I'm sitting here too long trying to ferret out other memories, they are there, but not important to what I want to get out...
Anyway Mom, here is hoping that you found yourself with your beloved pets of your dreamed afterlife. May you be chased by all the men you wanted and be forever the queen of the ball. May you have peace knowing that I never knew you but still have a bit of love toward you but more desire for you to have a happily ever after.
You worked very hard and your afterlife rewards should exceed your wildest imagination. Go with peace and celebrate yourself.
A leaf on the wind... Next time I find a feather I will apply it to you.
Tonight I did light a candle as is the Jewish tradition. I only recalled to do this because I set a reminder on a calendar apparently. I wanted to remember her in a candle light not the harsh light of day.
She was a life long alcoholic and had smoked for over 40 years. Her bladder cancer had a positive correlation to the smoking so I'm not worried over my own genetic propensity. Her vanity was the true cause of death. She could have had surgery early and that would have worked. A year later the surgery would have meant living with a bag. She instead chose to not treat it seriously and instead milked out the chance to torture everyone around her with the Big C diagnosis. Big surprise to her was that she was going to die from her choices.
There are few memories of her acting parental but I do appreciate those times. When my SIL suggested that I wouldn't make it into vet school my mother attacked with a knife like precision statement between the ribs. I made it into University of Dublin but for many reasons I didn't choose to go. I don't regret not going I made choices that today mean I have a great marriage and the peace of mind from taking care of my grandmother that I felt obliged to fulfill.
She sewed me twin dresses to be her mini-me that was so popular when I was a kid. OK I'm sitting here too long trying to ferret out other memories, they are there, but not important to what I want to get out...
Anyway Mom, here is hoping that you found yourself with your beloved pets of your dreamed afterlife. May you be chased by all the men you wanted and be forever the queen of the ball. May you have peace knowing that I never knew you but still have a bit of love toward you but more desire for you to have a happily ever after.
You worked very hard and your afterlife rewards should exceed your wildest imagination. Go with peace and celebrate yourself.
A leaf on the wind... Next time I find a feather I will apply it to you.