Tears
Family, it is an odd and difficult concept for me. My mother and I are more of a twist on sibling rivalry over the love of my grandparents. My birth father is a mystery that I face every day in the mirror, because I really don't look like my maternal family. My grandparents were my parents to my heart.
We have been watching several apocalyptic style series of late, Lost, Jericho, now Battlestar Galactica. The are all interesting in their own right, bringing up many interesting things to mull over yet none of them make me feel good.
This morning I started culling through a few boxes of video tapes. Lots of shows I used to tape like Northern Exposure, Forever Knight, Olympics, Oscars... and a couple heart stoppers. First I came upon the video tape we made up almost 13 years ago for my inlaw's 40th wedding anniversary. They threw themselves a lovely shindig and a few months before we all went for a marathon slide viewing in order to select out memories to be put onto a video tape. That day is probably my favorite 'good' memory of my husbands family. I remember then, my eyes seeing the thousands of slides that were of such a 'Brady' existence. People recalling birthdays, family, the good side of human experience. I was collecting the stories then, finding out the links and just studying them from the inside out.
This morning I put on the video that we made from that time. We added different sound tracts for the different themes everyone had decided upon. The grandparents, Al, Sheila, Bill, Laurel, Andi, birthday cakes and parties, moving from Wisconsin to California, Al with his camera bag, family friends, graduations. A few spaces in the filming I didn't cue the music and we hear the voices of that day, happy, joking and like everything I cried.
So I'm almost to the bottom of the last box. A tape I had made of my grandmother talking about family history has been MIA and I was so afraid I wouldn't find it. Aloud I spoke, please let me find this tape, and there it was in my hands. The energy worked. I got to watch my grandmother speak from then. Her voice tentative at first and uncomfortable with the holes in her memory. I was grilling her trying to force the stories I knew already to become clear in her minds eye. OK so I was actually just asking questions to stimulate the filmed conversation. But, today it felt that I was pushing too hard. Eventually things did flow, and we had laughter but most of all I got to see my grandma looking at me then, the person she just saw, loved and beheld in kindness. I never finished the project because Grandma was too stressed. Knowing what I do of dementia today I have realized that the gaps in her memory were terribly frightening for her. She kept yawning for much of the filming, I don't know if humans are similar to canines but that is a stress reflex for dogs. Maybe the yawning stimulates certain physiological pathways to release hormones to respond to the stress.
I cry every single day now. That is impossible considering my mental past LOL. I refused to cry from age 14 - 24. At 17 I was beat and left for dead but I wouldn't cry. In part because it would start my sinus swelling and lead to painful infections. (ROFLOL, oh the lies we create to explain away insanity.) Today I realize it was a control issue by a young animal attempting to survive.. I was wound up so tight, so afraid. Telling myself constructs to push the boundary of what I perceived as safety. Maslow's hierarchy is so tidy for self examination. I doubt that crying is a requirement for self actualization but I'm very happy to allow myself to feel awash in emotions. Beauty makes me cry. Happy people make me cry. Schmaltz makes me cry. My sinus, well I still get infections but I don't worry about what might be, just when I can instead live within this moment.
We have been watching several apocalyptic style series of late, Lost, Jericho, now Battlestar Galactica. The are all interesting in their own right, bringing up many interesting things to mull over yet none of them make me feel good.
This morning I started culling through a few boxes of video tapes. Lots of shows I used to tape like Northern Exposure, Forever Knight, Olympics, Oscars... and a couple heart stoppers. First I came upon the video tape we made up almost 13 years ago for my inlaw's 40th wedding anniversary. They threw themselves a lovely shindig and a few months before we all went for a marathon slide viewing in order to select out memories to be put onto a video tape. That day is probably my favorite 'good' memory of my husbands family. I remember then, my eyes seeing the thousands of slides that were of such a 'Brady' existence. People recalling birthdays, family, the good side of human experience. I was collecting the stories then, finding out the links and just studying them from the inside out.
This morning I put on the video that we made from that time. We added different sound tracts for the different themes everyone had decided upon. The grandparents, Al, Sheila, Bill, Laurel, Andi, birthday cakes and parties, moving from Wisconsin to California, Al with his camera bag, family friends, graduations. A few spaces in the filming I didn't cue the music and we hear the voices of that day, happy, joking and like everything I cried.
So I'm almost to the bottom of the last box. A tape I had made of my grandmother talking about family history has been MIA and I was so afraid I wouldn't find it. Aloud I spoke, please let me find this tape, and there it was in my hands. The energy worked. I got to watch my grandmother speak from then. Her voice tentative at first and uncomfortable with the holes in her memory. I was grilling her trying to force the stories I knew already to become clear in her minds eye. OK so I was actually just asking questions to stimulate the filmed conversation. But, today it felt that I was pushing too hard. Eventually things did flow, and we had laughter but most of all I got to see my grandma looking at me then, the person she just saw, loved and beheld in kindness. I never finished the project because Grandma was too stressed. Knowing what I do of dementia today I have realized that the gaps in her memory were terribly frightening for her. She kept yawning for much of the filming, I don't know if humans are similar to canines but that is a stress reflex for dogs. Maybe the yawning stimulates certain physiological pathways to release hormones to respond to the stress.
I cry every single day now. That is impossible considering my mental past LOL. I refused to cry from age 14 - 24. At 17 I was beat and left for dead but I wouldn't cry. In part because it would start my sinus swelling and lead to painful infections. (ROFLOL, oh the lies we create to explain away insanity.) Today I realize it was a control issue by a young animal attempting to survive.. I was wound up so tight, so afraid. Telling myself constructs to push the boundary of what I perceived as safety. Maslow's hierarchy is so tidy for self examination. I doubt that crying is a requirement for self actualization but I'm very happy to allow myself to feel awash in emotions. Beauty makes me cry. Happy people make me cry. Schmaltz makes me cry. My sinus, well I still get infections but I don't worry about what might be, just when I can instead live within this moment.