let me tell you about voids
For six years or so, he was my best friend. I've told him things that almost no one knows about me. We've said horrible things to each other and still managed to stay friends. We dated, broke up, and still remained friends. Throughout insecure girlfriends, we've still been friends. But everything we've been through has not made our relationship strong enough to withstand his new life and the things that come with it.
J and I are no longer friends. Seriously. After being treated like dirty laundry by J because his new girlfriend can't stand me, we've decided to cut communications, because I can't just sit by and continue to be okay with that. I can't settle for this kind of friendship and so I won't. Because it makes her unhappy, I'm not allowed to be in his Top Friend's on MySpace, be mentioned in his profile, leave comments, talk to him on the phone if he's around her, or just plain be his friend because, to her, I'm nothing but an ex. As petty as that all sounds, it sets the tone for the kind of friendship we'd be able to carry out. Do you think that I'd ever be able to hang out with him and not have it cause a fight between them? Could I ever travel to visit him and not make her angry/uncomfortable? Think I'd ever be invited to their wedding? Or that they'd come to mine? Not likely.
J has mentioned how he thinks he might marry her one day which made me think about the way that our relationship is defined. In most people's minds, I am his ex first, and friend second. I don't get the courtesy of remembering that I knew him first- was friends with him first- I just get hushed away, and made out to be this crack in the foundation of their relationship. And if they truly do get married, I don't want to be the person that makes their relationship harder. I wish nothing but good things for J and if she's one of those things, so be it. I just wish our friendship could be a good thing, too, and not such an issue.
I've heard such mixed opinions about the situation, even from friends of mine, because they are trying to think how she feels. I know that everyone is different and she is coping with us differently than I would but here's the bottom line:
I am not a threat.
I don't want anything with J except a friendship. I hate that I am being judged already with her never having met me and not knowing me at all, save for what I'm sure she's read on my MySpace. If I were a male, I'd be treated differently. If J and I hadn't dated, hadn't been intimate, I'd be treated differently. If she knew how strongly I feel for the man in my life and knew how strongly I felt about the bond of friendship with J, nothing more, she might change her mind...but I doubt it. I felt that there would be no solution, she would never be comfortable with the friendship we had, so there was no other choice than to say goodbye. People will always view me as the awful other woman in their relationship and I think it's much easier to take if we just don't talk anymore. But this is one of the hardest things for me to do. He is one of the hardest people to lose.
----
Goodbye J. I hope this is worth it and that you can have a better relationship now. I'll miss you but I'm sure this is for the best. Take care.
[EDIT:] I have a hard time letting things go and, being the fighter that I am, I have tried to maintain some sort of contact with J but he's not reciprocating. I think it may have been easier for him to cut me out of his life than for me to cut him out of mine.
I mentioned once, while listening to the song "The Mixed Tape" by Jack's Mannequin, that we'll never have to wonder where each other is. We'd always have some way to get in touch with each other and would always be able to pick up our friendship wherever we left off. It would seem that I was wrong. Though he has the capability of getting a hold of me in an emergency, it's not the same vice versa. And that just sucks.
J and I are no longer friends. Seriously. After being treated like dirty laundry by J because his new girlfriend can't stand me, we've decided to cut communications, because I can't just sit by and continue to be okay with that. I can't settle for this kind of friendship and so I won't. Because it makes her unhappy, I'm not allowed to be in his Top Friend's on MySpace, be mentioned in his profile, leave comments, talk to him on the phone if he's around her, or just plain be his friend because, to her, I'm nothing but an ex. As petty as that all sounds, it sets the tone for the kind of friendship we'd be able to carry out. Do you think that I'd ever be able to hang out with him and not have it cause a fight between them? Could I ever travel to visit him and not make her angry/uncomfortable? Think I'd ever be invited to their wedding? Or that they'd come to mine? Not likely.
J has mentioned how he thinks he might marry her one day which made me think about the way that our relationship is defined. In most people's minds, I am his ex first, and friend second. I don't get the courtesy of remembering that I knew him first- was friends with him first- I just get hushed away, and made out to be this crack in the foundation of their relationship. And if they truly do get married, I don't want to be the person that makes their relationship harder. I wish nothing but good things for J and if she's one of those things, so be it. I just wish our friendship could be a good thing, too, and not such an issue.
I've heard such mixed opinions about the situation, even from friends of mine, because they are trying to think how she feels. I know that everyone is different and she is coping with us differently than I would but here's the bottom line:
I am not a threat.
I don't want anything with J except a friendship. I hate that I am being judged already with her never having met me and not knowing me at all, save for what I'm sure she's read on my MySpace. If I were a male, I'd be treated differently. If J and I hadn't dated, hadn't been intimate, I'd be treated differently. If she knew how strongly I feel for the man in my life and knew how strongly I felt about the bond of friendship with J, nothing more, she might change her mind...but I doubt it. I felt that there would be no solution, she would never be comfortable with the friendship we had, so there was no other choice than to say goodbye. People will always view me as the awful other woman in their relationship and I think it's much easier to take if we just don't talk anymore. But this is one of the hardest things for me to do. He is one of the hardest people to lose.
----
Goodbye J. I hope this is worth it and that you can have a better relationship now. I'll miss you but I'm sure this is for the best. Take care.
[EDIT:] I have a hard time letting things go and, being the fighter that I am, I have tried to maintain some sort of contact with J but he's not reciprocating. I think it may have been easier for him to cut me out of his life than for me to cut him out of mine.
I mentioned once, while listening to the song "The Mixed Tape" by Jack's Mannequin, that we'll never have to wonder where each other is. We'd always have some way to get in touch with each other and would always be able to pick up our friendship wherever we left off. It would seem that I was wrong. Though he has the capability of getting a hold of me in an emergency, it's not the same vice versa. And that just sucks.