let me tell you about flashbacks
It's quite funny how the silliest little thing will trigger memories or feelings. Like, how the smell of Big Red gum still makes me sick to my stomach because of a greasy ex who was a frequent chewer. Or how the taste of white wine takes me right back to London, right back to the chic little restaurant, pretending I drank white wine all the time. So it makes me laugh slightly that, whilst doing laundry, I think of fighting with J. It was easy to take my anger out on my laundry and a good part of the relationship was spent abusing my wardrobe.
I go back to a lot of the fights that we had, and can't stop thinking about how absolutely silly it all was. The only explanation I have for it all is that we were too far in the hole when it came to hurting each other's feelings and neither one of us could be the bigger person and let it go. And I don't know if he'll ever forgive me enough for doing what we waited too long to do. We may never be as good of friend's as we used to be.
So then a thought hits me: I know that J tried to love me in the best way possible that he knew but I couldn't ever love him back as much as he did me. So thinking now to how I feel about A and certain situations between us, I start to wonder if I am now in J's shoes. But this may be my habit of ovethinking lashing out because I have too much time on my hands.
I go back to a lot of the fights that we had, and can't stop thinking about how absolutely silly it all was. The only explanation I have for it all is that we were too far in the hole when it came to hurting each other's feelings and neither one of us could be the bigger person and let it go. And I don't know if he'll ever forgive me enough for doing what we waited too long to do. We may never be as good of friend's as we used to be.
So then a thought hits me: I know that J tried to love me in the best way possible that he knew but I couldn't ever love him back as much as he did me. So thinking now to how I feel about A and certain situations between us, I start to wonder if I am now in J's shoes. But this may be my habit of ovethinking lashing out because I have too much time on my hands.