let me tell you about overthinking
I thought I could do this, because it seemed like the best of both worlds. Now I don't know if I can keep doing this for much longer.
I am so into everything he offers me and I want to be with him for so long since it's taken so long for him to open his eyes to me. But the loneliness is palpable now. And I hate it because I'll reel from all the seratonin that will flood my brain the few days that he's with me and this will all be forgotten. Then, when he leaves me again, my lips will still be tingling from his kisses and I'll still be able to feel his touch. And I'll forget moments like this and only remember how sweet it will be the next time I see him.
This all seems so overdramatic to me, and if I mentioned it, most likely to him, too. So I won't say anything because I would be more broken if I didn't have him. If I risked this honesty, I'd be afraid he'd see only that route as the best to travel. I just don't know how to deal with this now and I hope, with time, this gets easier. But what if it doesn't? I understand entirely that a career is more important than a girlfriend but I just wish there was an easier solution than any I conjure.
One of the saddest things that fuels me through my lowest points is this: I'd give anything for this to last. That may not seem so tragic but my intentions with that statement are terribly selfish: I'm so tired of investing my heart only to have the stock go belly-up and I couldn't stand the looks of "I knew it" or "I told you so" this soon. Plus, when the only thing that's bad in the relationship is my neediness, why would I want to throw it away?
When I doubt my strength and independence, I ruin myself and whatever relationship I might be muddled in. Time for a reminder:
NO OVERTHINKING. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
[EDIT:] I'm not making excuses for this entry because it doesn't deserve that. This was a very low point for me and a weak moment. I titled it "let me tell you about overthinking" because I know that that's exactly what I do and did when I wrote this out. But that's why I write: to release the tension that builds and the craziness that starts to overtake my thoughts. I just want any reader to keep that in mind should they decide to keep tabs on this journal so that they will hold back any judgement for the hot/cold entries I have for the people in my life. Don't blame them, blame me because, as the writer, I decide with my words how much light to shed on them and how much darkness to cast them into.
I am so into everything he offers me and I want to be with him for so long since it's taken so long for him to open his eyes to me. But the loneliness is palpable now. And I hate it because I'll reel from all the seratonin that will flood my brain the few days that he's with me and this will all be forgotten. Then, when he leaves me again, my lips will still be tingling from his kisses and I'll still be able to feel his touch. And I'll forget moments like this and only remember how sweet it will be the next time I see him.
This all seems so overdramatic to me, and if I mentioned it, most likely to him, too. So I won't say anything because I would be more broken if I didn't have him. If I risked this honesty, I'd be afraid he'd see only that route as the best to travel. I just don't know how to deal with this now and I hope, with time, this gets easier. But what if it doesn't? I understand entirely that a career is more important than a girlfriend but I just wish there was an easier solution than any I conjure.
One of the saddest things that fuels me through my lowest points is this: I'd give anything for this to last. That may not seem so tragic but my intentions with that statement are terribly selfish: I'm so tired of investing my heart only to have the stock go belly-up and I couldn't stand the looks of "I knew it" or "I told you so" this soon. Plus, when the only thing that's bad in the relationship is my neediness, why would I want to throw it away?
When I doubt my strength and independence, I ruin myself and whatever relationship I might be muddled in. Time for a reminder:
NO OVERTHINKING. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
[EDIT:] I'm not making excuses for this entry because it doesn't deserve that. This was a very low point for me and a weak moment. I titled it "let me tell you about overthinking" because I know that that's exactly what I do and did when I wrote this out. But that's why I write: to release the tension that builds and the craziness that starts to overtake my thoughts. I just want any reader to keep that in mind should they decide to keep tabs on this journal so that they will hold back any judgement for the hot/cold entries I have for the people in my life. Don't blame them, blame me because, as the writer, I decide with my words how much light to shed on them and how much darkness to cast them into.