Dragon Fighter
Bwa ha ha hah! You know how sometimes, you see a few tidbits that just tell you you HAVE to watch a movie? Yeah, that's me right now. Dean Cain in a movie called Dragon Fighter. Sounds bad doesn't it? Oh trust me, it is!
I missed the first ten minutes, but I get the impression that Dean Cain's character lost his parents in a fire because he has this paralyzing fear of the stuff. Or maybe he's just a wuss, I dunno. He's playing a Captain David Carter, who's going to be a head of security in some super top secret underground cloning facility. Do you smell disaster yet? The scene I caught first was the Captain and Mr. Dickwad Scientist in a cramped little "helicopter interior" with the Captain giving a sort of MacGuyver speech on how he would have landed the helicopter if the circuits fried.
They get out and it's like, the most beautiful set ever! A hill with a helicopter and a lean to? It's pretty much an elevator. That's it. An elevator in a little lean to on a hill. The only entrance into the facility. That disaster is starting to smell good ain't it? Go down, meet hostile security head predecessor, get introduced to people, meet the lovely Dr. Meredith Winter and her amazing escape artist dog Houdini. Dr. Meredith is played by Kristine Byers whose only other acting credit is Hot Girl #1 on Spring Break Lawyer, which incidentally has a better star rating than Dragon Fighter.
Ok, love interest introduced, let's meet the other victims, I mean characters. A Russian chick, a drunk guy, a deaf cook and a scientist who really loves animals. OK! Let's set up a plot here. Dickwad brought back a secret specimen he wants to clone. It's a dinosaur! What's this? Dinosaurs are out of their range for things to clone, oh hey, it's only a few hundred years old so it's AOK! Now what is it exactly? The good Captain steps in to play Super Genius boy and let them know it's probably a dragon. Oh snap! He's right!
He gets pissed off that they are playing with things that should be dead and goes off to fiddle with his helicopter. He sets it on fire. Oops. Paralyzing fear of fire sets in. Shit. Love interest to the rescue. Yay! Turns out she knows about helicopters...ok. Everything is right in the world and she invites him to watch them clone the dragon.
Insert really really really bad science and props most likely salvaged from the 80s, completely useless bio-suits that don't dover the face, incubation chamber blah blah blah. By inserting the nucleus of a cell into another cell, they make life? What? Just, so wrong. Anyway, they succeed. Fast forward three hours and TA DA! It's all done! Baby dinosaur made! Send two goons whose names aren't worth remembering in to retrieve the specimen and BOOM! Something blows up. Oh noes! Everything's fucked up!
Captain gets angry and is full of "I told you so!" while Dickwad is practically orgasming in his pants over his find of the Century and he will continue to get in the way at every turn because he does not want to destroy his most precious creation. Captain insists that they go in and look for hte schmucks. The only weapons they have are two shotguns with some tranq shots and some bullets. Animal lover and Captain go in...or try to. Dickwad freaks out because it's a germ free zone. Captain threatens to shoot him. In they go. Schmucks are dead. They go after the creature. It eats Animal Lover. Captain puts a shell into his gun and shoots at hte dragon...and shoots and shoots and shoots. Did you know that one charge gives 14 shots? I didn't either.
Insert a lot more boring bullshit too stupid to believe such as shooting doorways makes them open and close. Oh yeah, it's revealed that Dr. Dickhead is a huge dragon fanboy and his room was full of dragon books and pictures and swords. Also turns out that the cook isn't deaf. And the Captain runs around the tunnels constantly dodding fire. Yeah, boring shit. Let's move on. Everybody dies except the captain, Dr. Winters and her puppy and Dickwad. So the bomb shelter they just left was 500 feet underground, but it was made to withstand this and that bombs. Generator that ran the stupid incubation room supposedly is going to go off with 53% the destructive force of Hiroshima. They take off seconds before that happens and miraculously survive! Oh, did I mention that the pyrotechnics were like a amateur fireworks display gone awry? Yeah.
So now they're safe and up in the air. Yay! Love interest shows off her helicopter flying abilities ("What do you expect a girl who clones creatures for a living to do for a hobby?") and everything's ducky until....oh noes! Dragon is still alive and dive bombing them! Dickwad starts bouncing around from window to window staring at dragon like a moron and probably creaming his pants again. He eventually opens the door to take pictures and looks like a complete spaz doing it and surprise surprise! Dragon does him in.
Love interest continues to show what a 1337 helicopter pilot she is. Captain calls in reinforcements in the form of 5 fighter jets, only, they can't get a lock on the dragon cause it's an organic life form. Crap. It takes out two jets. Oh noes! Captain orders pilots to switch to heat seeking missiles. They still can't get a lock...on a hot blooded fire breathing dragon? It doesn't generate enough heat for a heat seeking missile....oh really? But a flare gun does it? Oh wait, it's acts like napalm and sets the whole thing on fire. Bombs away! The day is saved! Only, the helicopter not runs out of fuel and Captain must make his MacGuyver-like heroic landing.
Now the day is really saved! Yays! Love interest says they need to go out sometime...out flying that is. Captain suggests dinner. She says, and I quote "Just make sure it's not one of those Chinese restaurants with the name Dragon in it!" He laughs and assures her it will not be. It's over right?
Nooooo. Now we have two guys in suits in the bunker...the bunker that was blown up by an explosion that was 53% of the force of the Hiroshima hydrogen bombs....So why is there anything left of this bunker let alone an untouched incubation facility? Oh that's cause the government builds double of everything to save their experiments. Oh hey! What's this thing in the middle? Shit! It's alive! Flash of a "dragon foot" and everything goes black. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So there you have it! Jurassic Park meets Reign of Fire in an epic case of FAILURE! This movie is just full of BAD! Bad acting, bad camera work, bad multi-screen crap, horrible set, stupid script, shitty plot. BAD BAD BAD! Oh man, it was so horrible, yet I couldn't stop laughing and watching to see how much worse it got! Total train wreck syndrome. *shakes head*
So yeah, I toooooootally recommend it when you're sitting around bored out of your mind. However, you must have the following, someone to laugh at it with and alcohol if you're so inclined. That can only make it infinitely better. Fun times. Run times.
And as if I didn't get a big enough dose of horrible improbable science, Dr. Who came on afterwards and I said "What the hell?" and watched it. It's science was on par with Dragon Fighter's. It was just bad. It was a nice enough distraction I suppose, but it didn't impress me. *shrugs* Guess we can't all be enamored with the Doctor.
I missed the first ten minutes, but I get the impression that Dean Cain's character lost his parents in a fire because he has this paralyzing fear of the stuff. Or maybe he's just a wuss, I dunno. He's playing a Captain David Carter, who's going to be a head of security in some super top secret underground cloning facility. Do you smell disaster yet? The scene I caught first was the Captain and Mr. Dickwad Scientist in a cramped little "helicopter interior" with the Captain giving a sort of MacGuyver speech on how he would have landed the helicopter if the circuits fried.
They get out and it's like, the most beautiful set ever! A hill with a helicopter and a lean to? It's pretty much an elevator. That's it. An elevator in a little lean to on a hill. The only entrance into the facility. That disaster is starting to smell good ain't it? Go down, meet hostile security head predecessor, get introduced to people, meet the lovely Dr. Meredith Winter and her amazing escape artist dog Houdini. Dr. Meredith is played by Kristine Byers whose only other acting credit is Hot Girl #1 on Spring Break Lawyer, which incidentally has a better star rating than Dragon Fighter.
Ok, love interest introduced, let's meet the other victims, I mean characters. A Russian chick, a drunk guy, a deaf cook and a scientist who really loves animals. OK! Let's set up a plot here. Dickwad brought back a secret specimen he wants to clone. It's a dinosaur! What's this? Dinosaurs are out of their range for things to clone, oh hey, it's only a few hundred years old so it's AOK! Now what is it exactly? The good Captain steps in to play Super Genius boy and let them know it's probably a dragon. Oh snap! He's right!
He gets pissed off that they are playing with things that should be dead and goes off to fiddle with his helicopter. He sets it on fire. Oops. Paralyzing fear of fire sets in. Shit. Love interest to the rescue. Yay! Turns out she knows about helicopters...ok. Everything is right in the world and she invites him to watch them clone the dragon.
Insert really really really bad science and props most likely salvaged from the 80s, completely useless bio-suits that don't dover the face, incubation chamber blah blah blah. By inserting the nucleus of a cell into another cell, they make life? What? Just, so wrong. Anyway, they succeed. Fast forward three hours and TA DA! It's all done! Baby dinosaur made! Send two goons whose names aren't worth remembering in to retrieve the specimen and BOOM! Something blows up. Oh noes! Everything's fucked up!
Captain gets angry and is full of "I told you so!" while Dickwad is practically orgasming in his pants over his find of the Century and he will continue to get in the way at every turn because he does not want to destroy his most precious creation. Captain insists that they go in and look for hte schmucks. The only weapons they have are two shotguns with some tranq shots and some bullets. Animal lover and Captain go in...or try to. Dickwad freaks out because it's a germ free zone. Captain threatens to shoot him. In they go. Schmucks are dead. They go after the creature. It eats Animal Lover. Captain puts a shell into his gun and shoots at hte dragon...and shoots and shoots and shoots. Did you know that one charge gives 14 shots? I didn't either.
Insert a lot more boring bullshit too stupid to believe such as shooting doorways makes them open and close. Oh yeah, it's revealed that Dr. Dickhead is a huge dragon fanboy and his room was full of dragon books and pictures and swords. Also turns out that the cook isn't deaf. And the Captain runs around the tunnels constantly dodding fire. Yeah, boring shit. Let's move on. Everybody dies except the captain, Dr. Winters and her puppy and Dickwad. So the bomb shelter they just left was 500 feet underground, but it was made to withstand this and that bombs. Generator that ran the stupid incubation room supposedly is going to go off with 53% the destructive force of Hiroshima. They take off seconds before that happens and miraculously survive! Oh, did I mention that the pyrotechnics were like a amateur fireworks display gone awry? Yeah.
So now they're safe and up in the air. Yay! Love interest shows off her helicopter flying abilities ("What do you expect a girl who clones creatures for a living to do for a hobby?") and everything's ducky until....oh noes! Dragon is still alive and dive bombing them! Dickwad starts bouncing around from window to window staring at dragon like a moron and probably creaming his pants again. He eventually opens the door to take pictures and looks like a complete spaz doing it and surprise surprise! Dragon does him in.
Love interest continues to show what a 1337 helicopter pilot she is. Captain calls in reinforcements in the form of 5 fighter jets, only, they can't get a lock on the dragon cause it's an organic life form. Crap. It takes out two jets. Oh noes! Captain orders pilots to switch to heat seeking missiles. They still can't get a lock...on a hot blooded fire breathing dragon? It doesn't generate enough heat for a heat seeking missile....oh really? But a flare gun does it? Oh wait, it's acts like napalm and sets the whole thing on fire. Bombs away! The day is saved! Only, the helicopter not runs out of fuel and Captain must make his MacGuyver-like heroic landing.
Now the day is really saved! Yays! Love interest says they need to go out sometime...out flying that is. Captain suggests dinner. She says, and I quote "Just make sure it's not one of those Chinese restaurants with the name Dragon in it!" He laughs and assures her it will not be. It's over right?
Nooooo. Now we have two guys in suits in the bunker...the bunker that was blown up by an explosion that was 53% of the force of the Hiroshima hydrogen bombs....So why is there anything left of this bunker let alone an untouched incubation facility? Oh that's cause the government builds double of everything to save their experiments. Oh hey! What's this thing in the middle? Shit! It's alive! Flash of a "dragon foot" and everything goes black. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So there you have it! Jurassic Park meets Reign of Fire in an epic case of FAILURE! This movie is just full of BAD! Bad acting, bad camera work, bad multi-screen crap, horrible set, stupid script, shitty plot. BAD BAD BAD! Oh man, it was so horrible, yet I couldn't stop laughing and watching to see how much worse it got! Total train wreck syndrome. *shakes head*
So yeah, I toooooootally recommend it when you're sitting around bored out of your mind. However, you must have the following, someone to laugh at it with and alcohol if you're so inclined. That can only make it infinitely better. Fun times. Run times.
And as if I didn't get a big enough dose of horrible improbable science, Dr. Who came on afterwards and I said "What the hell?" and watched it. It's science was on par with Dragon Fighter's. It was just bad. It was a nice enough distraction I suppose, but it didn't impress me. *shrugs* Guess we can't all be enamored with the Doctor.